Breakin Ankles

Monday, January 31, 2005

Put this out there for me

The playa with the tilted brim and the 'biggest sack' -- Snoop Dogg -- recently expressed his desire to coach in the NFL. "My dream is to coach in the NFL, probably for the Steelers. Put that out there for me." Maybe it's just me, but I think the quote is hilarious. Who the hell says shit like 'put that out there for me"?! It's like Snoop is some sort of modern day Moses, expressing some idea knowing that his minions will soon get to work getting the idea out there. Can you picture it: Snoops chillin in a hottub with some fine honeys, smokin a J, doing his nails. Boom. An idea/dream strikes him. Now does Snoop get out of the hottub and make things happen? Hellz no! And why does he need to? After all, all he has to do is say "Put that out there for me" and presto! - the media is all over it. The very fact that I'm writing about it speaks volumes. With a readership hovering around 6 now, I am becoming much more selective about what I'm willing to blog about. Snoop, you made the cut.

Even better: Snoop is planning a charity concert/football game that he plans to call the Snooper Bowl.

This just in! Snoop accused of Sexual Assault

Can't you just picture it?
Snoop: What up girl, you lookin fine...
Girl: Ewww.. get away.
Snoop: I want to touch your boobs, put that out there for me.

Pawn takes Queen. Bad move Snoop.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Music and Snow and a lame title for a post

Rap lyric I heard today, with a quick analysis: From the song "Real Big" by Mannie Fresh

" Is that a Fish tank bro in the middle of the dash?
Yeah pimp, but don't put your fingers on my glass"

Oh, sorry playa. I usually keep my Fish tank in the backseat, so I was a little curious.

I seem to enjoy many songs that most would categorize as girly. "Girls just wanna have fun", "My boyfriends back", "He's a rebel", and "Then he kissed me" are just a few examples. It's not the lyrics that I like really, but some songs just seem to be so catchy that you can't help but like them. Picture it: Me cruising through the barrio in my lowrider. Honeys to my left and baby mamaz to my right. I turn up the volume so that all can hear my cd player blastin the words "well he walked up to me and he asked me if I wanted to dance." I then proceed to lower the volume and everyone is in shock. A real gangsta has arrived, and people are just now realizing it and contemplating their next moves. But alas, it is too late. I have already made a mental note that this particular block is dead and, at this point, am already well on my way to A1A Beachfront Avenue.

Is there anything more grand than maneuvering through a huge pile of snow simply by stepping in the foot imprints of those travelers that came before you?

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Randomness Part II

1. It has been brought to my attention that Joss Stone is 17 years old. I had previously mentioned how hot she was, so I was particularly shocked when I heard the news. If I had known her real age, rest assured that I would have never said the things I did. I had no idea she was so old -- kidding :-)

2. Simpson quote for the day -- Mr. Burns to a football team he's coaching: "Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game...I know because....I crippled him myself in order to inspire you."

3. Have you ever been in class, and some fool, for whatever reason, is nodding his head furiously as the teacher is making a point, and smiling as if he just won the lottery? My guess is that these fools understand what the teacher is trying to say, and are so excited that they just start bobbing their heads. Throw a black long-haired wig on one of these fools and they'd probably look like a Metallica fan. Who are these fools, and what is behind their foolish behavior? Developing...
Fool Count: 5

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Old School Games... sort of

Remember those games you would play on family road trips, or if you were one of those early teenage boys who still didn't talk to girls?

1. The Geography Game: You must say a city, state, or country that begins with the same letter that the previous word ended with. I used to play this in school all the time. The true playaz knew that the key to this game was to name places that ended with the letter 'Y'. The most diabolical of the playaz, when having to name a place starting with the letter 'P', would say 'Phoenix'.

2. Fake book titles: Of course, there is the well-known "Yellow Streams" by I.P Daily. Here are some that me and my friends came up with way back in the day: "Ice Cream Flavors" by Milli Vanilli, "Shit Stains" by Bobby Brown, and my favorite being "The Disappearing Penis" by Magic Johnson. Being the insensitive young lads that we were, we would sometimes come up with offensive titles a'la "How to get (insert disease here)" by (insert someone who has that disease) or "How to be ugly" by (insert someone who is ugly). Sunrise Sunset...Where have all the flowers gone...Turn Turn Turn.

3. An oldie but a goodie, and my loyal readership of 2 can play this one along with me right now! Pick a number between 1-10 and remember it. Now multiply that number by 2. Next, add 4 to your number. Now divide by 2. Lastly, subtract the number you started with from the number you have now. Scroll down to rubric 5 see your number.

4. Joss Stone is so hot.

5. Your number is 2 bitch. Recognize. Who's your daddy? What's that, your father died when you were young? Oh great, now I feel like an asshole.

Thursday, January 13, 2005


1. Snoop Dogg's song "Drop it like it's hot": This song is so fuckin horrible that I wish I had a better vocabulary so that I could better describe how shitty it really is. This song is pretty much Snoop "rapping" over a guy making noises with his mouth. It's so bad that Snoop rapping over a guy farting would probably be a better song. "Let me hear a little bit of that bass groove right here" -- Snoop has been on a downward spiral, musically at least, ever since he realeased Doggystyle.

2. Randy Moss moons the Packers: I give him points for coming up with an original celebration. I give him even more points for not apologizing for his actions.

3. Brett Favre: What's up with this dude choking under pressure? His underhand shovel pass was so stupid it was funny. Even worse were the fellas at NFL primetime who had this to say about Favre's horrible toss: "He's smiling, he's really having fun out there isn't he? He knows he messed up, he's a true warrior".

4. Joss Stone: Mamma mia!

5. See #4

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Generic graduation speech

I was going through some random shit in my room and found an old student run magazine from high school. It was a graduation issue, so it was full of all that goodbye-to-high-school type of stuff. So witthout further adieu, here is a generic speech that you are liable to hear at any high school graduation.

Principal: And now, some words by class president (insert name of kiss-up student here)

Student: Hello. I can still remember our first day of class here at (insert highschool name here). Everything seemed so big, and me and my friends just seemed so.... so small. But as the years passed by, those big hallways have gotten a lot smaller, and all those strange faces have become familiar. We stand here before you ready to enter the real world. We are nervous, but we are also confident that (insert highschool here) has prepared us to tackle any challenges that we will face. This isn't the end for us, it's really the beginning. Where are we all going to end up? We don't know, but you know what? THAT is the exciting part.

I could list all of the memories that were created during the last four years, but then I'd still be speaking by the time next years graduation rolled around (wait for the laughter to subside). But seriously, the memories I've made here will last me a life time. But what really made my time here so memorable has been the interactions I've had with my teachers. I will never forget Mrs.___ for showing me that I really can make a difference. And I can't forget Mr. ___. He was always so patient with me, and I will be forever gratefull to him for drivng me to get an abortion my Junior year.

Websters defines a graduation as "A ceremony at which degrees or diplomas are conferred". After recieving our diplomas earlier today, I think that we can all agree that truer words have never been written.

Friends, family, teachers, fellow classmates: we stand here today not as children, but as young adults. Except, of course, for that genius 12 year old chineese exchange student going to MIT next year. -- Class of (insert year here), we made it!!!

Saturday, January 08, 2005

What do you drink?

I'm bored and drinking an ice-cold Coke, so I thought it was time to give a run down of the best sodas out there. On top of the list, with out dispute, is Coke. Woop Woop! Ain't nothing better than an ice cold Coke on a warm summers day! All you pepsi-drinkin, thumb twiddling, A.M-radio-listening fools who playa hate on da Coke need to recognize game. Coke is clearly superior than pepsi. Now Wild Cherry Pepsi is legit, so calm down and put the knives away you angry Pepsi drinkers. Cherry Coke v. Wild Cherry Pepsi; now there's a fight I'd pay to see.

And who can forget about the smartest soda of them all. That's right! I'm talking about the Docta! Dr. Pepper has been helping quench the thirst of thirsty individuals for years. He is cheap (around .75 cents per housecall) and is enjoyed by both rich and poor, city and country folk alike.

If all Soda beverages comprised a family, I think that Mountain Dew would be the pot smoking kid who spends his days thinking about the meaning of life, and his nights skateboarding to his hearts content. (It is highly probable that all those Do the Dew commercials have somehow infiltrated my brain). In this soda beverage family, Cherry 7-up strikes me as the young attractive stepmom that Dad(coke) leaves Mom(pepsi) for. As a result, most are not fooled by the dashing and striking pink color of Cherry 7-up and refuse to even take a sip of the devlish soda. A&W rootbeer is clearly the grandfather of the family, sitting on the porch with his trusty hound at his feet, a shotgun in his lefthand, and a ice cold rootbeer in his right.

The rest of the family:

Snapple: The Nerd
Sprite: The white suburbanite kid who litsents to 50 Cent.
Apple Juice: The wierdo. i.e "how'd he get into our family?"
Orange Juice: The Homosexual
CHERRY Coke: The Virgin
Miller High Life: Nate
Wild Cherry Pepsi: The slut

Any addittions to the soda family analogy are welcome :-)

Thursday, January 06, 2005

The key to the single woman.. who has a kid

Some thoughts after watching Jerry Maguire:

It seems to me that if you are a guy who is trying to get a single woman with a kid, the surefire way to success is to just get along well with the fatherless child. Befriend him, teach him to throw a ball. He will naturally enjoy the male companionship. After impressing him with your extensive array of life experiences, you can even say (in a joking fashion of course) "Who's your Daddy?!" The odds are that both of you will burst out lauhing in unison -- a hearty and healthy chuckle. After all, both of you obviously realize that the kid has no Daddy. Therein lies the humor! What fun! The single mom will look at the 2 of you from the sidelines, smiling from ear to ear. "Finally!", she will think, " I've found a father figure for my little boy. This man is now worthy of marriage". So if you want to land that single mom with a kid, here is a tip: Leave the roses at home, but remember to bring a playstation 2.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Poetry is 4 Suckas

"I was raised on the streets, what you know about that?
My momz killed my dad with a baseball bat..."

- 'Keep it in the family' by Sir Elky the Third

Ah, the late 1800's really were the golden years for poetry. Who can deny that many men throughout history wrote poems?

Here is my attempt/mockery of poetry -- seen through the prism of two poems I have written.

Poem 1:
Words. Everywhere I go I see them. Surrounded by them. But what are they really? A collection of letters? Ha! Like sweat from the brow of a workman, words drip off me like the seeds of a cantelope. Each seed is a word, each bite an adjective, a verb, a noun. Write me a letter, oh won't you? But when you do, remember to use words.

Poem 2:
As I look into the mirror, I see not a man, but a thought. For as the reflection in the mirror gazes back at me, like a child towards his mother, I attempt to conquer my thoughts. But a thought is a proven warrior, deftly evading my blows, countering my sabotage with logic and reason. Can I strive? Can I survive? For if I think not, am I not? The battle is underway, my friends. The battle is underway.

Note: The above poems were not written seriously!

What is this blog?

I have no idea! I'm home for winter break and have a lot of free time on my hands.

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