Breakin Ankles

Sunday, February 26, 2006

WInter Olympics

How to fool people into thinking you watch the winter olympics:

"Hey, that 14 year old figure skater with the hard to pronounce name, from that even harder to pronounce country - she's really kickin' ass in the figure skating competition!"

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Birthday Message gone awry: Ma Neeshma?

Growing up, one of my best buds had a younger brother named Avi, who I was also friends with. Two years ago, Avi left the US and went to Israel to serve in the Israeli Army.

Sometime this summer, his brother informed me that Avi's girlfriend (in Israel) was trying to put together a nice birthday surprise for him. One of the gifts was going to be an audio CD comprised of messages from Avi's friends and relatives from all over the world. I was told to record, on my computer, a silly message for Avi and send it to his girlfriend's email, and then she'd take care of the rest.

So I recorded a message for him, and it started out like this: I tell him in Hebrew, and in a deep manly voice (uh... i mean my natural voice), "Avi, this is your Commanding Officer. What are you up to?" Then I switched to English and said something like "What up, its Homer, hope you have a happy birthday and that you're having a good time" etc. etc.

Done and done.

In the end, I heard the CD contained something like 20 or so audio tracks from various friends and family members. His girlfriend left a message herself, and I imagine it was a nice lovey type of message. So naturally, when she gave him the CD, she wanted him to listen to the track she recorded, first. She tells him: "Avi, listen to number 16 first." Being a good soldier, and an even better boyfriend (that was gay hah), Avi complies and puts on track 16.

The girlfriend was mistaken, however, and track 16 wasn't her own message, but was mine! So Avi, expecting to hear some sort of heartfelt message, instead hears my stupid ass voice talking in a stereotypical Hebrew/Soldierish accent. He started laughing and couldn't help but wonder why his girlfriend wanted him to listen to that one first!

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Dunk Off!!

Oh shit, blogging live for the second year in a row for the NBA All- Star dunk contest, and once again, I'm up screaming and clapping like a little kid. Nate Robinson, the 5'9 mini man, brought some crazy shit and had the crowd going insane. Word's can't really describe some of the dunks this dude did.

Anyhow, for the first time ever, the dunk contest ended in a tie.. enter.... the DUNK OFF. Oh shit! Nate Robinson stepped up and delivered after a few misses with an amazing between the legs off the backboard dunk. Next up was Andre Igudala (the other finalist)who needed a 47 or so to beat Nate. He goes up and dunks. It's decent.

The scores come up and it looks like Andre has enough points for the victory. But then a judge changed his score from a 10 to an 8, thereby giving the Dunk Title to Nate Robinson. Scandal! Iverson goes "We got robbed". Andre is seen mouthing "That's fucked up". Either way, good ass dunks.

Everyone likes to see little guys get up and jam. Woot Woot!

Homer Gets Punked

Homer Gets Punked: A novella of sorts...

It all went down last winter. Gold Nugget was crashing at my place one night. I was on my computer while the nugget was sitting on my couch behind me, presumably typing away at some assignment that was due the next day. An IM pops up.

It says "Hello Homer, this is Nugget's wife, is he there now?" Sometimes G. Nugget's wife would sign on under his name, so I thought nothing of it.

I responded "Yes, he's right here".

Wife: "Can you please tell him to come to the computer, I have to tell him something."

I tell Nugget, "your wife is on the computer, she wants you for something." He responds: "Hold on one second, I'm just finishing up this assignment"

I send the Nuggets wife an instant message: "He said he'll come in a second, he's just finishing something up"

Then shit gets hectic..

I get a message from her saying: "Homer, you know me right?" I respond "Yes". She goes "And I know you, and I like you a lot, and I want to ask you a question, and I want you to be honest with me". I'm sorta confused but say "shoot".

She then asks "Homer, does Nugget really crash at your place sometimes? Sometimes he doesn't call and I think he may be staying somewhere else". I respond "No no, he stays here". She goes, "Are you being honest with me Homer, I really want to trust you, I know you're a nice guy".

At this point I go to Nugget "Dude, just come over here, its getting really awkward. Your wife is asking if you crash here. I told her yes, but she doesn't seem to believe me." He responds "Oh jeez, tell her one second! I'm almost done here... Well fine, just have her call me then."

So I tell Nuggets "wife" on the computer -- "He says to call him". She says "Okay". 2 minutes later she goes "What is going on, he didn't pick up, are you sure he's there?" I relay the info to nugget, who is still seemingly engrossed in his homework and he goes "Dude, what do you want me to do, she said she'd call but my phone didn't ring, tell her to hold on. I mean you didn't hear my phone ring either, right?!".

I tell Nuggets wife: "He says to hold on.." She replies, "I just called, he didn't pick up.. please stop covering for him, or if he's there, please put him on the chat line so I can talk to him."

At this point I feel like I'm in the most awkward of situations. Nuggets wife thinks he may be cheating on her, and wants the scoop from me. But there is no scoop, Nuggets just being a bitch sitting on my couch, lost in stupid law school homework.

I say "Nugget, this is getting pretty awkward, just come and chat with your wife, she thinks you might be cheating on her!"

He says "Stop B.S'ing, I'm almost done anyhow"

Meanwhile, the Im's from Nuggets "wife" keep getting more and more awkward. She's getting sad and emotional and hurt, and I don't know what to say to make her feel better, or alleviate her concerns. I start getting nervous that there is some deep seated husband/wife friction going on, and I'm stuck in the middle of it!

After 2 more minutes of me pleading with Nugget to stop being a nerd, I get this IM from his wife:

"Homer, it seems that G. Nugget isn't there, and I appreciate that you are trying to cover for him, but I want the truth, no matter how bad it hurts... But can I tell you one more thing before I sign off?"

Homer: "Sure, but I swear he's right here! what do you want to tell me?"

Nugget's Wife: "Look behind you BITCH!!!!"

I turn around and see Nugget laughing his ass off like no other. "Dude, you were freaking out!!! hahahahhahahah" He was crackin up forever. Turns out it was Nugget on the computer the whole time!

I told him "You fucker!" but I couldn't help but laugh as well. I had been punked. Badly. G. Nugget, King of the Pranks, had struck again.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Believe it or not...

At my undergrad, you had to complete 7 credits worth of Science courses in order to graduate, and by my Senior year I had accumulated 6. Since I had already met my math requirements, I sucessfully calculated that I only needed 1 more science credit.

1 credit science courses are an interesting breed in that they're usually blowoffs, and my undergrad was no exception. Some of the 1 credit science classes I had to choose from included: Coral Reefs, Climate and Mankind, Volcanoes and Earthquakes, and Water and Society.

I chose to take Coral Reefs.

A few weeks after the semester ended, my grades started to roll in. Having slacked off my first 2 years of college, I was now tryin to do as well as I possibly could to boost up my lackluster GPA. My grades started to come in one at a time, and things were looking up -- that is until I saw a big fat F on my transcript. An F! What the F (pun intended) was going on?! I examined my grade more closely and saw that I received an F in "Volcanoes and Earthquakes", but I wasn't even registered for that.

Or was I?

Panicking, I checked my schedule and it turned out that I really was registered for Volcanoes and Earthques, yet I had been "attending" Coral Reefs all semester long. I had been going to a class I wasn't registered for all semester, while not going to what was really on my schedule. Yikes. So I had to contact the administration and tell them what was up. Then, the professor from Coral Reefs had to write something verifying that I really attended his class. Then, I had to petition for a "late drop" to drop the 'F' from my transcript, resulting in an awe-inspiring "W". Finally,I had to petition for a "late add" in order to get my Coral Reefs grade on my transcript. The whole thing was so idiotic it was almost funny. I survived unscathed.

On a side note, that same semester I saw my Coral Reefs professor at a party. What he was doing at an undergrad party is beyond me, but rumor had it that he was sleeping with a student. Anyhoo, I got a little tipsy, and before I knew it, I was talking to my Prof. asking if he could give me a good grade. In hindsight, I should have hit up the party where the "Volcanoes and Earthquakes" professor was at.

Better posts on the way loyal readers.

Charlotte's Web: A Fairytale

There i was--making my way through my favorite local bar--when what should brush my cheek?

A strand.
I looked up. Peeled away the strand.

Continuing ahead, I walk into a mass group of what appeared to be friends. But friends they weren't.

A mass of spiders.

They looked at me as if I had just made the biggest mistake of my soon to be short lived life. I tried to turn around, but was entangled in those silky strands. Try as I might, my struggling only made it worse. What appeared to be the mayor of the web made me turn around. I relinquished myself to my fate.

Out from the shadows she came.
My eyes followed the black line of her spindly legs up to her huge eyes. For a moment I froze. All time stopped.

But then I realized.
I have nothing to lose.
It was now. or never.

So I filled my lungs. And I straightened my shirt.
I was going to face the widow head on.

I decided a pre-emptive attack was the way to go. With lightening speed I broke free of the entanglement, broke free of the spiders that tried to wrap me in that silky web. And came up from behind.

"Well...hello there. How are you?" I queried.

The response was to be expected.
Inarticulate and dull.
Nothing more than simple stuttering.
Her eyes were filled with fear.
She couldn't look at me directly.

I continued with the rapid fire. She was not going to make it out this time.
Two options existed:
It was her. Or it was me.

I continued. "So how is your latest prey? Catch anything more in this luxurious web of yours?"

Stumbling through her words like a methadone junkie. Stringing together what was audible from her sounds, I realized there really was no point. Sensing the impending awkard silence. She was on her heels, and quickly asked,

"How is school?"

That's all she could muster. I had to savor the moment. A grin grew gradually across my face. I couldn't help it. I steadied myself.

"Great." I replied ever so confidently not realizing I was still trapped in the web. "Couldn't be better."

Just then her webmate tried to intervene. He could sense that she was losing ground. It was too late.

I turned to around to leave. But decided. NO MERCY.

I spun my heel. Tapping her just above her black widow red hourglass marking, I replied, "It was really nice to see you Widow."

The only venom to fly that night would be mine.

And the widow, what did she get you ask? Banished. From the web. Forever.

Moral of the story. Even the widow can be prey.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


So apparently an international team of scientists have found a "lost world" of newly discovered plants and animals. New kinds of birds, frogs, butterflies, and even a new kind of kangaroo! For some reason I find this find to be pretty cool. Usually when scientists discover a new sort of species, it's something boring like a beetle with a slightly shorter lifespan than a regular beetle, or a grasshopper that doesn't quite hop, but frolicks instead. But a new Kangaroo? Interesting shit. For a day at least.

I never got why people were so obsessed with the Olson twins. Sure they were cute kids, but that's about it. I never got why people were counting down the days until they turned 18, as if they were any different from other child stars. In related news, I just found out that Steffanie from full house was addicted to Meth and had to go to rehab. Add that to that Olson chicks eating disorder and it makes you wonder exactly what kind of house of ill repute this "Full House" really was. And in the midst of all this madness, the question must be asked: Where was Uncle Jesse?

Whenever you go to a restaurant you are immediately told what the special is. I've never in my life actually seen someone order the special. As Seinfeld once said, if the special was so good, why isn't it on the regular menu? Touche`.

I've always wondered this: Men like the smell of a woman's perfume, and women like the smell of a man's cologne. People like to smell good. Why wouldn't a man wear a woman's perfume if he thought it smelled so good. Some women are addicted to the smell of cologne, so why don't they buy it for themselves? I've actually wondered bout this for years. Maybe it's psychological. Guess nugget was right, I'm a PCG afterall ;-)

This post has been lame, but I'm just getting back into the game. I'll have some good shit comin up soon. Any requests?

eXTReMe Tracker