Breakin Ankles

Thursday, July 28, 2005

A little bit of the bubbly, and standardized testing

I took the Illinois Bar Exam this week and survived with my sanity, luckily. The proctors made it abundantly clear that we were not allowed to have any sort of device emitting any sort of noise, inluding cell phones, watches, beeping machines etc.

So I left my EKG machine at home and wandered, innocently, into the murky world of standardized testing. Note: One unlucky sap's cell phone went off during the exam. No one would claim the bag in which the cell phone was ringing, so the proctor went through the bag until she found some identifying papers. The kid had to leave the exam and automatically fails as well. No joke.

Filling out bubbles, how exciting. I don't know why, but apparently I'm quite slow at filling in the bubbles with my trust ole' #2. I'd still be filling in my name while the people all around me were seemingly finished. Maybe the lead in my penci was too thin or something?? Oh snap, get ur mindz out the gutter people. To help poor saps like me, who take forever to fill in the bubbles, I must take the time now to humbly offer a suggestion. While not revolutionary, it will revolutionize standardized testing as we know it. Hey, I guess that it is revolutionary after all. Instead of having us fill in bubbles slowly and meticulously, how bout just provide us with some sort of pencil stamp. The stamp would obviously be the size of a bubble, and we could just press it down on whatever answer we wanted. Think about all the extra time people would have on exams. It boggles the mind. Or, should I say, it bubbles the mind? Please take the next 10 seconds to think 'Wow, that was a really lame joke, this blog really is a waste of time'.

Welcome back. Maybe I'm alone here, but I've never been able to effectively erase out a filled-in bubble on a standardized exam. I always happen to have a defective eraser, or perhaps standardized testing paper isn't conducive to erasing, in general. Either way, in my attempts to erase a bubble, I always mange to smudge the job, and spend the next 30 seconds wondering if the testing machine will be able to decipher what my true answer is. The worst is when you unknowingly have an eraser with pencil smudges already on it, and every sweep of the pencil just spreads the smudgines around like an STD.

During the bar exam, I am proud to say that I filled in what can only be described as the "perfect bubble". The bubble was filled to the brim with #2 lead, yet no marks went outside the bubble itself. Furthermore, the density of the pencil markings inside the bubble were uniform. No parts of the bubble were darker than the other. In fact, may I be so bold as to say that the bubble was so perfectly filled out, that one might even assume that it was done with a pencil stamp(tm).

Back in High School, there was a mini-scandal because apparently you could score perfect on a scantron by simply putting chapstick over all the bubbles. Supposedly, this would make it impossible for the machine to deduce what bubble was filled out, and it would therefore spit out a scantron with a "perfect score". I assure you, though, that my 1600 on the SAT is completely legit, and that my impressive portfolio of chapstick stock is purely coincidental.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Musical T-shirts

Aerosmith is a good band and all, but do not, I repeat, DO NOT, ever trust a guy wearing an Aerosmith t-shirt. Are such guys un-trustworthy or sneaky? Not neccessarily. Actually, on second thought, I'm not sure. There is just something unsettling about a guy wearing an Aerosmith t-shirt.

If you see a person wearing a Marilyn Manson t-shirt, you better pray that they're still in high school. Otherwise, proceed with caution.

If you see someone wearing a Phish t-shirt, you can probably throw your wallet at them, and they'd pick it up and give it back to you saying "Hey man, I think you dropped this.." When you say "thank you", they'll probably say "for what?" - Be understanding though, they're probably still recovering from a night of tripping off acid while bathing in a tub filled with melted ben and jerry's ice cream.

If you see a guy wearing a Dave Matthews t-shirt, you can play a fun little game. Ask them what Frat they're in and act like you're in the same one. Then, ask if they saw "that Dave show in that city where they did a killer jam session for 20 mins straight". Hijinks, and possibly more (sic), will ensue. *

If you see a guy wearing a Sublime t-shirt, think to yourself that Sublime rules and is a great band. Watch for a bevy of tattoos and wallet chains. If you do not like Sublime, proceed with caution.

If you see a guy wearing a John Mayer t-shirt, approach and say, "Dude, are you serious?"

Speaking of Aerosmith, back in high school, every guy was in love with Alicia Silverstone on account of her riveting performances in those Aerosmith videos.

* I do not know what the term "(sic)" is used for, but it seems cool so I thought I'd throw it in there.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Phone Sex

Now that I've got your attention, here are some of my random thoughts regarding talking on the phone.

Isn't it annoying when you call someone up and get their machine, but you have to wait 15 seconds before you can leave a message. "If you'd like to leave a numeric page, please press 5. If you'd like to page this person, please press 7". What the hell is a numeric page anyways?! Paging a person? I'm calling a cell phone, not a beeper. Unless I'm mistaken, most people leave messages via voicemail, so why not make that the first option? (Note: Some providers let you press '1' right away to bypass that other shit, but others don't.)

Has anyone else out there noticed that when you call customer service nowadays, they keep you on the line for 3 minutes to make sure that they did a good job. I recently called up my cable provider with a problem, and the lady quickly helped me out. I said "Thanks" and thought I was home free, but then it was a non-stop barrage of questions such as: "Is there anything else I can do for you today?.... Was I helpfull in assisting you this afternoon?....If you have any more problems, please don't hesitate to call...You do realize this call was monitored for quality assurance, don't you?...Thanks again for calling Charter Communications...Did you catch The Real World last night?"

There are some people with whom your close enough with so that moments of silence on the phone aren't akward at all. Othertimes, silence on the phone is so akward its not even funny. Once I was talking to a girl on the phone, and when I asked her a question, I didn't get a response back. 20 seconds pass by and I'm thinking that this is this most akward silence in the history of mankind. Turns out she got disconnected -- I suppose, in hindsight, I could have said something witty such as "hello? are you there?" but I was very caught up in the whole akwardness of it all.

Funny Story: I have a friend who is bad at remembering names, and often times,he'll exchange phone numbers with people whose names he can't remember. He doesn't want to be rude and say "What was your name again?" so he just enters the number into his phone with random letters as the name, or under amusing headings such as "guy with blue shirt".

Anyone out there have phone stories etc. to divulge?

P.S Studying for the bar exam is no joke.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Girls liking asshole guys

I hear girls all the time complaining that they can't find a "nice guy" to date, or that all the "good guys" are taken. Many of these girls, however, don't give "nice guys" the time of day, and instead, pursue assholes. Some speculate that the pursuit of asshole guys by women is so pervasive as to constitute an epidemic.

Girls will try and get with a guy when they KNOW he has a reputation for being an asshole. Has he cheated on past girlfriends? Who cares! Does he treat people, in general, like shit? Who cares! Why girls go for guys like that is a question I'm not quite sure I can answer. Perhaps girls get a boost to their self-esteem if they land a guy that plays by his own rules. Perhaps they view asshole guys as a challenge. They might think "If I can only get rid of his asshole aspects, he would be the perfect guy!" Fair enough. Everyone has different things they're looking for in a mate,and I'm not one to pass judgment. But I do get annoyed when these same girls COMPLAIN that they can't find a "nice guy". Sometimes I feel like saying, "Well no shit bitch, you keep dating assholes!" - and with the way some girls are, saying that mean statement would probably get that same girl on my jock. Of course some girls don't realize guys are assholes till much later on, but this is directed at those girls who go after guys they KNOW are assholes. Again, if that's your perogative, cool -- just don't complain about it, bitch. (The number of female blog groupies I have will increase in direct proportion to the number of times I say the word 'bitch')

What's also annoying is that girls act surprised when a known asshole acts like an asshole towards them. "I can't believe he cheated on me, things were going so great. I thought I was different." Sorry bitch, but in the mind of an asshole, the only thing different about you from the last girl is your cupsize. Guys, on the other hand, know what they are getting into when they start shit up with a bitchy girl. Guys, in a similar hypothetical, would say "Oh well, I knew she was a bitch from the start. I should have known better." Girls act like they've been victims in an elaborate conspiracy set up in order to hurt them, when in reality they're just ignoring the fact that they made a bad choice from the start.

Personally, I think the majority of girls DON'T want to date asshole guys, but sometimes it seems that way cuz the girls that do are the ones who are always complaining. That reminds me: Once I asked a girl I know what her type of guy was. She responded, matter of factly, "Assholes". Hey, at least she's honest!

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Song Translation

Today is the first installment in a series of blog posts where I analyze the lyrics to well-known songs. First up, "Wonder why they call you Bitch" by 2pac.

"Look here Miss Thang, hate to salt your game
but yous a money hungry woman, and you need to change
In tha locker room, all the homies do is laugh.
High five's cuz anotha homey played your ass."

Translation: Hello dear, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I get the strong impression that the emphasis you place on money in your life is misplaced. Furthermore, gentelman in the neighborhood have taken notice of this, and have been known to exchange celebratory gestures with each other every time you make love with one of them

"It was said you were sleeezy,even easy
sleepin around for what you need
See it's your thang and you can shake it how you wanna.
Give it up free or make your money on the corner."

Translation: Your morals are questionable, at best. Moreover, while it is your body and you can do with it what you please, may I be so bold as to suggest that you read up on some Economic theory. For you see, if the demand for, how shall I say this, your "Booty"?, is high, then perhaps you should start selling said "booty" in exchange for cash on the street corner of your choice.

"Keep your mind on your money, enroll in school.
And as the years pass by you can show them fools.
But you ain't tryin' to hear me cuz your stuck,
you're headin' for the bathroom 'bout to get tossed up."

Translation: Perhaps starting studies at a local University would do you some good. Yet you do not seem to take my suggestions seriously, and apparently you are more interested in having sexual intercourse in a bathroom, of all places. Ho, you make me sick.

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