Breakin Ankles

Thursday, June 30, 2005


Ever notice how some girls are haters? Do you find it extremely annoying? If so, you are not alone.

Girls will hate on other girls and not think twice about it. I've never understood why girls tend to do this, but its a very big turn off. Guys are never like "Yo man, check out that dudes shirt, its so tacky... and check out that guys hair, you know he gets it highlighted." Guys don't give a shit. Some common phrases one might hear around a female hater:

"Oh my gosh, look at what that girl's wearing, is she trying to be a ho?"

"Her boobs are so fake"

"I bet that girl looks ugly without makeup on"

"I hate her"

I don't know why girls are haters, but I do know this: It's very refreshing to be out with a girl who can compliment other girls instead of making fun of them.

Did you know that there are many different kinds of haters out there? Yes, its true!

THE CLEVER HATER: This type of girl will hate on other girls in a roundabout way. She will pick out a girl in a bar who is mildly attractive, and build her up with amazing compliments. "That girl in the red is like a super model!" In turn, whoever she is with will respond with "what? she's not that pretty". For you see, the clever hater fiendishly attempts to turn you into the hater! Clever? Indeed. Reprehnsible? No doubt!

THE JEALOUS HATER: This type of girl is jealous of, and will therefore hate on, any girl that gets a lot of attention at a bar. Jealous haters have been known to remark "You know hes just talking to her cuz shes a slut". A Jealous Hater will see a Nun talking to a hot guy and say "You know he's only talking to her cuz she puts out." Harsh, but some girls are that jealous. It's true. I've seen the documentation.

THE DEVIOUS HATER: This type of girl focuses most of her hating energies on her own friends. Yes, such girls do exist! Girls will be mad if one of their friends are having more luck in the man department than they are, so they start hating! Why? I have no fucking clue! Guys, on the other hand, are the complete opposites. If a guy is having no luck with the ladies, and his friends are out there mackin it up, the guy will be like "yo man, what's your secret!? What am I doing wrong? Gimme some pointers bro!" A guy will see his friends on the mountain top and says "Give me a hand!" A Devious Hater sees one of her friends on the mountain top and starts spreading gossip like the plague, and praying that her friend falls down from the mountain.

THE SELF HATER a.ka. THE FISHER: This type girl makes fun of herself only to hear reassurances from other people that she is, in fact, pretty etc. This type of hater is also known as THE FISHER - as fishing for compliments is how they get down and boogie. A Self Hater might say something like, "I'm really just not that pretty." First of all, who says that out of the blue?! Second of all, its obvious that its only being said so that whoever she is with can say "What are you talking about, you're gorgeous!", to which The Self Hater would respond "No I'm not". This little exchange can go on for hours, days even. Sadly, these girls require constant reassurance from others to maintain their self esteem.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Pickin up Chicks

In undergrad, a friend of mine liked some girl who was in his statistics class. Once, she was telling him how she lost her stats book, and he goes "wow, what are the odds of that?!" The chick didn't really get that it was a joke and goes "Um... I don't know"

Thursday, June 23, 2005

100 G'z in my pocket

Check this out. I promise to give you 100 grand for winning a radio contest. Instead I give you a candy bar called 100 grand. You bitch and moan and take me to court. What happens next? Please limit your answer to 3 bluebooks.

What other similar offers/tricks can you think of? Here are two to get the ball rolling:

Saying you'll give someone a car, but instead just give them a matchbox car.

Saying you'll give someone a blowjob, but instead, you just give them a job where they get paid to blow bubbles.

Walking around town...

Walking around with headphones on always changes the rules of social protocol when it comes to seeing people you know on the street. With your headphones on, you are sort of in your own little world, free from distractions, impervious to those odd men on the street who claim to have no home and supposedly need money for food and shelter. So anyways, you're walking down the street listening to your tunes and you see someone you know -- what do you do? If you would normally stop and chat, do you stop and take off your headphones? Is it rude to just nod and keep on walking? For it seems that wearing headphones gives you a license to just ignore everything, as if your music takes precedence over all.

Cop: Hey pal, a bank robber is on the loose, can you look out for a guy wearing a blue t-shirt?!!
Headphones Man: Whats that? Oh, sorry, but I'm wearing headphones at the moment and I'm really into this song... sorry.
Cop: Oh, my mistake, I didn't notice that. Carry on good sir.
Headphnes Man: Good day....... pig

Ever see those guys with HUGE ass headphones that are twice the size of an average apple? I have nothing to say about them, really. The people that wear them just seem 'interesting'.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Batman Begins and Snobby Movie Critics

So I saw Batman yesterday, and it definitely lived up the hype. Notorious critic and infamous Hollywood 'it' girl, Mariam Mokri, wrote that it was "Fucking Awesome" -- and I'd definitely have to agree. The action was great, the dialogue worked, and it had a great balance of drama, action, and even humor. The audience even started clapping when it ended! I've never seen that before, has anyone?!

But the reason for this post is to discuss something that I've disliked for ages... snobby movie critics. Via Althouse, I came across a review of Batman Begins from the New Yorker, by one David Denby. Everything I hate about uppity movie critics can be captured in the first sentence alone: "This is an overly methodical and heavy-spirited movie—pop without rapture." Umm.. pardon me, but what the fuck does that even mean?! It's standard fare, however, for these - dare I say- snobby movie critics. With writing like this - "and I miss Anton Furst’s urban-grotesque production design from the first movie—the curious, malign details pulled out of the night" - I can't help but wonder if Denby really saw the movie, or is trying to write poetry. It's annoying that so many movie critics don't really review a movie as much as they engage in a pathetic attempt at psuedo-intellectual babble, writing movie reviews with a thesaurus in one hand, when all they really need is a dictionary opened up to the page containing the word 'pretentious'.

Now you may be thinking, "Homer, well aren't you being pretentious yourself? Does everyone have to like every movie that you do?" Not at all my friends. My beef is not with those who don't share my taste in movies, but with movie critics who are seemingly failed writers, and thus attempt to live out their dreams via their movie reviews. They write nonsense with no substance, and presumably, go into movies like Batman wanting to hate it, lest they think they have something in common with 'common folk'. Writing like a snobby movie critic is actually sort of easy -- all you have to do is write a lot, and say nothing.

Here is an example:

"This movie fails in its attempt to create a heroine worthy of admiration, while disregarding the necessary social constructs the audience would need to understand the heroine's fight against society's apathy vis a vis equality. This begs the question, are we but pawns in the Director's vision of an unjust world, or are we supposed to believe dreams really can come true?" I just made that up and have no idea what it means, but sadly, I can imagine it being a real review for a movie.

And can you imagine going to a movie with one of these uppity critics?

Me: So, did you like the movie?

Critic: Well, I've never laughed so much in my life, but the exploration of the Father's motives seemed at odds with the elegancies of what would have been appropriate in 20th century England.

Me: Umm, the movie was about a kid going away to summer camp in the 1980s. They only show the father for 10 seconds when the kid leaves England to come to America.

Critic: Yes, of course, but why did the Father let him go?

Me: Um, well the kid wanted to go to summer camp, that's about all there is to it. Didn't you say you laughed like you've never laughed before?

Critic: Yes, but this movie creates a new subtext for the genre, one that ultimately fails. That being the case, I didn't like it.

Lastly, I guess it's not surprising that the Batman review is from the New Yorker. Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine is on a quest to prove that a comic in the New Yorker isn't funny and doesn't even make sense. When the executive attempts to explain it, the following conversation ensues:

Mr. Elinoff: Well Miss Benes . Cartoons are like gossamer and one doesn't dissect gossamer. heh..hemm..

Elaine; Well you don't have to dissect if you can just tell me. Why this is cartoon supposed to be funny?

Mr. Elinoff: Ha! It's merely a commentary on contemporary mores.

Elaine: But, what is the comment.

Mr. Elinoff: It's a slice of life.

Elaine: No it isn't.

Mr. Elinoff: Pun?

Elaine: I don,t think so.

Mr Elinoff: Vorshtein?

Elaine: That's not a word.....You have no idea what this means do you?

Mr Elinoff: No.


Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Michael Jackson v. Mike Tyson:

Who would you rather trust your children with, Michael Jackson or Mike Tyson? I personally would have to go with Mike Tyson, hands down. On the flip side, you can't really type 'Michael Jackson' without the phrase 'hands down.... little boys pants' coming to mind.

If you leave your kid with Michael Jackson for a few hours and he tells you they played video games, the first question that comes to mind is "Did ya'll play naked? What do you mean when you say you played video games?" If Mike Tyson is in charge of your kid for a few hours and tells you they played video games, the first question that would pop into your head would be "Did you guys play punch out?" or "Who won?".

On the other hand, Mike Tyson is a convicted rapist, so I would never decide to leave my *girlfriend* with him for even a few minutes. But Michael Jackson, on the other hand, could hang out with my hypothetical girlfriend while she was completely naked and horny -- and I wouldn't worry for a second. And keep in mind, my hypothetical girlfriend is extremely hot!

Can you imagine what the Jackson dinner table is like?

The Parents: So kids, what's new with you this year?
MJ: Well, I'm on trial for molesting little boys...
JJ: My boob popped out in front of millions of Americans.
MJ: Shit, I gotta go. I'm late for a basketball game.
The Parents: Are you going to watch the Spurs play the Pistons?
MJ: Nope, Lakeview Elementary is playing Abbot Elementary today, and I got front row seats. Shit, I've said too much..

Monday, June 13, 2005

Revenge of the sixth

While watching the Tyson fight this past Saturday, a clever drinking game was devised. Now this game was a bit more complex than my personal favorite game, "Let's drink a lot of alcohol in a short period of time!" The rules were as follows: Each person predicted what round they thought the fight would finish, and the winner had to consume five shots. This is Wisconsin, we don't play around. Round 1 passes. Tyson is still standing, and the person who picked round 1 breathes a sigh of relief. This scenerio repeats itself for rounds 2-5 (I had round 5 if anyone's curious). Round 6 comes along, and Tyson decides to quit before round 7 commences. The person who had round 6 begs for mercy saying "The fight didn't end in round 6! Whoever had round 7 has to take 5 shots, not me!" Interesting point. Debates ensue. Who is to take the 5 shots? Mr. Round 6? Or Mrs. Round 7? Technically, the sixth round FINISHED with both fighters still in the mix. There was no seventh round, really, so it could also be argued that the fight couldn't have ended in the seventh round. Both sides weren't gonna give in, so a compromise was reached. The 6th and 7th round people would split the shots (2+3). Everyone wins. Everyone gets drunk. Hallelujah.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Judgement Day

Tomorrow I will be in court defending my first client, a man of unquestioned moral character. Who is my client, you ask? He is man who can run for miles on end and not break a sweat. My client has been known to help old ladies cross busy intersections while also curing their arthritis in the process. He has beat Kasparov in a game of chess while sitting atop Mt. Everest, wearing only a pair of shorts and a T-Shirt. He has been nominated for Nobel Prizes in 5 diverse categories, taking home trophies in 3. His papers on differential equations have been praised both for their mathematical ingenuity and strikingly beautiful prose. He has won numerous purple hearts for time served in Iraq, yet continues to be adored by the anti-War movement as the "leading pacifist of our time". To many, he is an American hero, but to me, he is simply my client. His accolades mean nothing to me. My only goal - nay, my only duty - is to do all I can to make sure he walks out of court tomorrow a free man.

How shall I persuade the judge that this man stands wrongfully accused? Simple. I have prepared a laundry list of persuasive legal theories -- and numerous arguments carved out of all applicable legal areas will be presented to the judge. The interstate commerce clause, equal protection, the rule against perpetuities. UCC section 201, and self defense are just a few topics I plan on using in my clients defense. Something is cooking in the kitchen.... and it smells like fuckin justice.

I'll keep ya'll posted.

Sports and the Law collide

more on this later

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Randomness Part IV: Smelling things with no odor

I had a dream the other night that I called 911 and ended up dating the 911 operator. We communicated via the 911 line and on the internet, so I don't know what she looked like.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese

I saw a commercial for genital herpes the other day and it turns out that people with genital herpes have all sorts of fun They ride horses in pristine countrysides, they go canoeing in parts of the world that resemble the garden of eden, they laugh on swings that somehow exist in the middle of rolling green hills, they fly kites on sandy white beaches, and then they laugh some more. Are people with genital herpes so shunned by society that they must escape to far away lands, travelling on horseback to avoid detection? Or are they so happy that there is a 'cure' for genital herpes that they decide to celebrate by going horseback riding and canoeing? The coin is up in the air.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Maybe he just farted??

Check out this crazy story.
Here is a brief run down of what happened.

A guy goes into a portable toilet to take a dump. While sitting down, he proceeded to light a cigarette which then ignited methane gas leaking "from a pipe underneath the toilet unit." Boom! Explosion! Man goes flying. Shit is falling from the sky like chocolate was during Homer's (no relation) "Land of Chocolate" dream in that classic Simpsons episode.

John Jenkins, the victim in this freak accident, claims to have suffered severe burns all over his body. He is now suing the general contractor and a coal company for negligence to the tune of 10 million dollars. From the article: "Eastern Associated owns the Blacksville property where the explosion occurred. Jenkins alleges that heavy equipment from Chisler Inc. ran over the pipelines before the explosion, causing the methane gas leak."

Do we have a case here my friends? If I were the defense, my whole case would simply rest upon the title of this post!

Cool Shit

Check out this amazing video clip of an incredibly well-trained dog!

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