Breakin Ankles

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Song Transation #1: 2Pac

Today is the first installment in a series of blog posts where I analyze the lyrics to well-known songs. First up, "Wonder why they call you Bitch" by 2pac.

"Look here Miss Thang, hate to salt your game
but yous a money hungry woman, and you need to change
In tha locker room, all the homies do is laugh.
High five's cuz anotha homey played your ass."

Translation: Hello dear, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I get the strong impression that the emphasis you place on money in your life is misplaced. Furthermore, gentleman in the neighborhood have taken notice of this, and have been known to exchange celebratory gestures with each other every time you make love with one of them, presumably through trickery.

"It was said you were sleeezy, even easy
sleepin around for what you need
See it's your thang and you can shake it how you wanna.
Give it up free or make your money on the corner."

Translation: Your morals are questionable, at best. Moreover, while it is your body and you can do with it what you please, may I be so bold as to suggest that you read up on some Economic theory. For you see, if the demand for, how shall I say this, your "Booty"?, is high, then perhaps you should start selling said "booty" in exchange for cash on the street corner of your choice.

"Keep your mind on your money, enroll in school.
And as the years pass by you can show them fools.
But you ain't tryin' to hear me cuz your stuck,
you're headin' for the bathroom 'bout to get tossed up."

Translation: Perhaps starting studies at a local University would do you some good. Yet you do not seem to take my suggestions seriously, and apparently you are more interested in having sexual intercourse in a bathroom, of all places. Ho, you disgust me.

Any suggestions for other Song Translations? Leave em in the comments

Thursday, January 17, 2008

E-mail from a guy who cant tell what SPAM is

Hey everyone, I just returned home from my trip abroad and wanted to let you all know how it went. Wait a minute, my email inbox just exploded with 50 new emails. Lemme quickly go through them and then I'll catch up with you guys :)

WOW. I know I promised to tell you all about my trip, but something amazing is happening. I just received an email from a long lost relative of mine from Nigeria who claims that I stand to inherit a large sum of money. I have to admit that I was skeptical at first since I'm obviously not from Nigeria. As you all know, I'm from Chad, and although the two countries border each other, they are vastly different both socially and economically.

Anyways, a distant cousin of mine was recently murdered at the Nigerian Embassy in a coup d'etat and he left all his money to me. But as luck would have it, the money is tied up in tons of redtape. I can, however, hire someone to work through the legal entanglements and have the money wired directly to my bank account. I just have to send over some bank information so that the transfer goes smoothly. I know it seems risky, but my my relative is risking his life in order to help me out, so worrying over sending over some bank information seems a bit petty in comparison.

Well, if you can get over THAT excitment, allow me to tell you about my trip to Costa Rica. We flew into San Jose last Sunday and were greeted with 90 degree weather. It was beautiful. In fact, OH SHIT, HOLD UP!! I just got an email for a pill promoting a "machine gun man muscle." As you all know, my last 3 relationships ended because I was impotent, so this email is my second blessing of the day. The email says that "women are laughing at me" -- tell me about it brother! So I only need to send in 80 dollars for a 2 month prescription. Done and done! Anyways, back to the story. We landed in San Jose and decide to head right to the beach and get our surf on.

WAIT! Okay, I realize this is the third time I've interrupted this email but the Gods are smiling down upon me today. Check this out. As you all know, I was laid off 3 weeks ago and have been struggling to find a job. But I just received an email that reads: "In a recent review of online resumes, yours stood out and I believe you might be what my client needs. Alpine Access is hiring a Business Development Manager and I would like to invite you to accept the position."

A business position? For me, a high school drop out?! Wow, I might have to start leaving town more often :) The job is pretty much guaranteed. I get 80 grand a year (300% raise!) and tons of benefits. I. Am. Utterly. Speechless. I can't wait to show up to my first day of work. I know I'll impress them because I'll be wearing my brand new Rolex watch and European handbag that I just purchased online. Don't worry guys, I'm not throwing my money away -- I found a website that offers watches and handbags at huge discounts. I'm no fool.

Okay, so I'm not sure if it's related to my new job, but I just now received an email invitation to join "The Winners Club". When I clicked on the link my computer started acting funny. Hmm.. I wonder if it's a glitch on their end. I'll have to ask about that when I start next week.

Hey, this is odd. I was just offered another position as a "Senior New Media and Graphic Designer." Aside from the fact that I'm not qualified, I'm a little bit perplexed because I've never heard of the company and when I go their website, the URL is comprised of a bunch of numbers. Maybe it's a pattern like on LOST? I don't know, I'll have to follow up and call them. I guess I'm just being paranoid. I'm sure they just got my name from the same place the first company got my name. Too bad for them though, I already gots me a job :)

I know thats a lot to take in, so thank you for staying with me if you're still reading. Now I know you guys are all wondering what's going on with my lady situation. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but me and Michelle broke up while in Costa Rica. We had a great run together, but it just wasn't right, and we both knew it was time to end it. But don't worry, I just got an email from a hot girl (trust me, I saw her pics ;-) saying that she saw my online profile and thinks I'm sexy. She sent me a link to her webpage and lets just say that the pics don't lie! Long story short, I only had to pay $29.95 (that's chump change considering my inheritance) so that I could chat with her. So far she seems really nice, but who wears a bikini indoors? But hey, I'm not complaining.

HAHA. I just checked my spam and I had an email saying "Enjoy an exciting after-party after the party - with your large gun". What idiots. First of all, an after-party after the party is already like 7am and no one parties so late into the morning. And second of all, I don't own a gun. Obviously SPAM! Some people sure are idiots.

Anyways, I know I didn't tell you about my trip in detail, but I'll have to let ya'll know the scoop soon. Sorry for blabbing on, but it's just been such an amazing day, what with my new penis pills, my new job, new watch and handbag (authentic, thank you very much), and my new girl!

talk soon,


Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Facebook and Friendster and MySpace, oh my!

How is it that Myspace continues to be one of the top visited sites on the web? I understand that a lot of bands use it to promote their shit, but any website that can continuously crash your browser is in DESPERATE need of a vast and extensive overhaul. I click on my friends pages and I'm bombarded with flashing lights, 45 pictures, and seemingly every youtube video ever created all crammed onto one page. I'm actually surprised that the friend whose page I'm looking at doesn't barge on through my door right as I click on their profile.

It's funny to think back to a time when Friendster was the most popular social network on the web. Friendster's downfall, of course, was that it was slow to add new features and users quickly jumped ship to newer and more attractive alternatives. Now I don't think Myspace is in any danger of becoming the next Friendster, but I'm starting to sense a small, yet significant, migration to its cleaner and leaner cousin, Facebook.

Interestingly enough, I've noticed that Myspace is slowly but surely starting to copy a number of Facebook features. For instance, the ability to tag friends in photos and to see which friends have updated their Myspace profiles are 2 new feature upgrades that were clearly borrowed from Facebook. Now I'm not anti-Myspace by any means, I just happen to prefer Facebook. And again, Myspace isn't going anywhere anytime soon. It has its nice markets, obviously. We all know that Myspace very big when it comes to music, but if it continues to become a platform for half-naked women who think they're models, spammers, and wanna be celebrities, then I wonder how soon it'll be before a mass migration from Myspace begins. I've also noticed that Facebook is starting to attract users who typically wouldn't be on a social network. And it's crucial to note that by separating its users into different networks, it's able to maintain credibility as a social network for both teens and those in their 30's. Ironically, if Myspace wants to maintain its dominance as a social network, it will have to start (and indeed it already has) becoming more facebook like. Oh cruel fate.

Lastly, I think that 'Friendster' should become an adjective to describe something that's clearly out dated and unpopular. Imagine the possibilities -- "Hey nerd, that shirt is so Friendster!"

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Ron Paul's legion of idiotic supporters

Apparently, Ron Paul supporters besieged Bill Clinton outside of a bakery and proceeded to shout that 9/11 was an inside job. Bill Clinton engaged the idiotic demonstrators and said, "You wanna know what I think? You guys who think 9/11 was an inside job are crazy as hell." Amen brotha. It goes without saying that anyone who thinks 9/11 was an inside job is a certifiable intellectual infant who watches too much 24.

But the interesting thing about this story, however, is the fact that the people involved weren't crazed Marxists, but rather Ron Paul supporters. I don't really know what to make of this but it seems obvious to me that if you're running for president, the last thing you want is to have your supporters running around like a bunch of crazed loons and making bogus claims about 9/11 to a president who wasn't even in office when the attacks took place!

Now I don't agree with everything Ron Paul has to say, but he seems to be an intelligent guy with a lot of interesting and new ideas for Washington. With that said, some of his supporters need to tone it down a bit. A good number of Ron Paul supporters are seemingly in love with the man and bring him up at every possible opportunity -- just check the comments in my MTV post below if you want to see what I'm referring to. Every day I'm inundated with an inordinate amount of Ron Paul election spam. Too many Internet message boards and social news network sites are filled with Ron Pauls rabid supporters throwing their annoying election propaganda in my face. The length to which these supporters will go to relate everything back to their fearless demagogue is almost humorous.

Here is a hypothetical conversation of me talking with one of these crazed Ron Paul guys.

me: "Man, I'm really hungry"
Ron Paul supporter (RPS): You know who also gets hungry? Ron Paul. Vote for him in '08.

me: I wonder what my brother will name his newborn son
RPS: Did you know that Ron Paul's last name is also a first name? Vote Ron Paul.

me: I really like Corn Pops, what a great cereal.
RPS: Ron Paul once saw a box of Corn Pops while shopping in a supermarket in Texas in '87. Ron Paul in '08, help change the world!

Enough already! The funny thing is that if Paul's army of highly motivated supporters continue to pester the masses with online spam, people who are looking to learn more about the candidates will have a bad association with Ron Paul from the get go.

Lastly, I'm not to make any broad generalizations here, but I knew 2 or 3 hardcore libertarians in college. They were all extremely intelligent, highly motivated, and they all ended up going to top 10 law schools. But they were all socially awkward as well. Could this be part of the problem? Are Ron Paul's supporters comprised of super book smart yet socially inept individuals? Who the fuck knows. Just stop with the spam already!

UPDATE !!(Unsolved Mysteries Style) Does Ron Paul harbor some racist, anti-semitic, and homophobic ideas? This just came out today, so it will be interesting to see how it holds up to scrutiny.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Did ya ever notice?

Did you ever notice that the only time people use the phrase "through the roof" is when they're referring to their electric or heating bills? "My heating bill this month is through the roof!", they all shout. Unless you've somehow shot something literally right through the roof of your house, there is no other time when using the phrase "through the roof" makes any sense.

And did you ever notice that the only time people use the word "uncanny" is when they say , "The resemblance is uncanny?"

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Enough is enough!

You know those Coors light commercials where they splice together some video of guys asking mundane questions with footage of NFL coaches during there post-game press conferences?

Well the first few (like the one above) were definitely funny, but they've become stale and repetitive as of late. For one thing, it's the same gimmick over and over and over. But more importantly, there are only a finite amount of video clips that have coaches spouting off entertaining sound bytes. I've actually noticed that Coors now uses footage from fake press-conferences by getting guys like Dennis Green and Jimmy Johnson to say scripted lines on a sound stage to use in their commercials. Come on now! You can't do that. It's time to let a good idea die with dignity instead of beating us over the head with it 15 times during every game.

Besides, now self-respecting NFL fan drinks Coors light anyways.

Friday, January 04, 2008

People who need to go, Pt. 1

People who say, "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." Yes, I realize that this was once probably entertaining in a Bond movie 40 years ago, but it has become the most cliched phrase in existence.

The person, who upon seeing two people wearing the same color shirt, exclaims , "Oh my gosh! Did you two like call each other and coordinate in the morning?" No, no we didn't.

Honorable Mention: People who think that saying "See you next year!" before New Years is both clever and funny. I can assure it's not. These are probably the same people who say "Blast off!" at the end of every countdown. If you're over the age of 13, both of these phrases should be off-limits.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

MTV: What hast thou become?

So I just checked the TV listings and the only times that MTV plays videos these days is from 5am to 7am. I guess I had assumed, mistakenly, that TRL or some variation thereof was still on the air. I find this interesting for a few reasons. Of course, there is the glaring fact that MTV stands for Music Television yet less than 10% of its programming is devoted to music. And I could of course point out the fact that many of the Television shows that MTV does air aren't even related to music at all -- shows such as "My Sweet 16" and "Made" come to mind. But I want to focus on something else here. I want to focus on the fact that MTV, for better or worse, has essentially become the cable TV version of US Magazine and With that said, I've seen more episodes of Real World than should legally be allowed for a heterosexual male, and for the most part, I enjoy much of its programming. The mystique, however, is gone.

Without question, MTV has lost part of the allure that made it so great when people in or around my age group were growing up. I can thank MTV for introducing me to an array of diverse musical acts, from RUN DMC to Guns n Roses to Peter Gabriel to Michael Jackson and NWA. Unlike the current state of affairs, MTV used to be a way to explore new musical genres and be exposed to new artists. Shows such as Headbangers Ball and Yo! MTV Raps were instrumental in shaping the music that kids were exposed to, and subsequently became interested in. As a kid I remember flipping through channels and becoming enthralled with Def Leppard. I remember watching Will Smith rap at a time when it was actually cool to listen to Will Smith rapping. I remember where I was the first time I heard "Dre Day" on TV. From Offspring to Bone Thugs-n- Harmony, I can recall a plethora of bands that I would have otherwise been oblivious to had it not been for MTV. MTV, believe it or not, used to expose music to the masses.

But as time marched on, MTV began a slow and steady transformation. Though MTV had long been a place to watch original TV shows such as "The State", "True Life", and "Beavis and Butthead", those shows were always just the icing on the cake so to speak, a temporary reprieve from the music. Eventually, however, the shows MTV began airing started to become less original, more trashy, less focused, and more ridiculous. Shows such as "The State" (one of the funniest and most original sketch comedy shows of all time), for example, had something of substance to offer it's viewers. Now I turn on MTV and I see spoiled 15 year old bitches complaining to their parents about how they want a BMW convertible for their birthday. Hell, when I was 15, I was happy enough to watch Alicia Silverstone make out with a dude on the back of a motorcycle in an Aerosmith video. MTV used to be a place where you could either catch music or watch rising stars such as Adam Sandler and Jon Stewart before they became household names. Now, MTV is a place where you watch some douchebag named Spencer talk about nonsense to some lame ass girls who probably wouldn't have even made the cut for Singled Out, or even the classic "MTV Spring Break!" series.

MTV's disinterest in putting out quality shows was also reflected in the music they chose to promote. Somewhere along the way, MTV devolved from a station that promoted certifiable stars such as Michael Jackson and Guns n Roses to a station that promoted gimmicky and atrocious songs such as the "Macarena" and "Who let the dogs out". Because MTV primarily avoids music related programming these days, I can't help but wonder how this affects the musical interests of kids growing up. And the wild card in all of this is the Internet. Maybe kids are exposed to new music via other avenues these days and I'm just an old(er) man who is out of the loop. I suppose that kids today can just hop onto iTunes and browse an insanely large library of music that would have made the 12 year old me drool in envy. Perhaps, in the end, MTV's transformation was inevitable due to the fact that it's no longer the only game in town. Perhaps, the music video is obsolete.

Is MTV relevant anymore? Yes, but in an entirely different way. MTV can no longer 'make' an artist or band the way it used to be able to, but it does have the frightening ability to seemingly create stardom out of nothing for its reality show cast members. And in todays gossip hungry and voyeuristic society, apparently that's all you need to stay relevant. MTV doesn't play music anymore and it hasn't for quite sometime. I'm fine with it, but it's sort of interesting that a station that once had its hands on the pulse of American music has become a variation of SoapNet. And if every show on MTV was quality, then I'd be the last person complaining. But I just don't have any need to see a second season of "Tila Tequila" or 5 straight hours of "Life of Ryan". I don't think anybody does.

eXTReMe Tracker