Breakin Ankles

Monday, June 06, 2005

Judgement Day

Tomorrow I will be in court defending my first client, a man of unquestioned moral character. Who is my client, you ask? He is man who can run for miles on end and not break a sweat. My client has been known to help old ladies cross busy intersections while also curing their arthritis in the process. He has beat Kasparov in a game of chess while sitting atop Mt. Everest, wearing only a pair of shorts and a T-Shirt. He has been nominated for Nobel Prizes in 5 diverse categories, taking home trophies in 3. His papers on differential equations have been praised both for their mathematical ingenuity and strikingly beautiful prose. He has won numerous purple hearts for time served in Iraq, yet continues to be adored by the anti-War movement as the "leading pacifist of our time". To many, he is an American hero, but to me, he is simply my client. His accolades mean nothing to me. My only goal - nay, my only duty - is to do all I can to make sure he walks out of court tomorrow a free man.

How shall I persuade the judge that this man stands wrongfully accused? Simple. I have prepared a laundry list of persuasive legal theories -- and numerous arguments carved out of all applicable legal areas will be presented to the judge. The interstate commerce clause, equal protection, the rule against perpetuities. UCC section 201, and self defense are just a few topics I plan on using in my clients defense. Something is cooking in the kitchen.... and it smells like fuckin justice.

I'll keep ya'll posted.


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