Long story short, there's shit on my face

I met some person in my apt. complex the other day, only to find out later that I had a huge blotch of mustard on my face from a sandwich I had eaten earlier. This blotch was so big that if I was walkin down the street, cars would slow down thinking a yellow light was up ahead.

A few weeks ago I was walking back to my apartment and the resident manager of my building happened to be walking out as I was walking in. I gave him a head nod, but instead of getting one back like usual, I could have sworn that he was straight up laughing at me. When I got into my apartment, I understood what was going on. I noticed that I had a significant blotch of tartar sauce on the side of my lip from a sandwich I had just eaten. Maybe I should just stop eating sandwiches. Or, if I may think outside of the box for a moment, maybe I should just start wiping my face after eating??

Ever notice that when people say "Long story short" it really means that they're going to keep talking for a long time? Whenever I say "long story short", I always end up talking for at least another 20 mins. I suppose that "long story short" really means "Hey, I have a long story to tell, I'll try to shorten it up a bit, but beware, it's still going to be a long ass story."