Wasting Time...

Sarah Palin's brother in law looks like Heroes TV Star!

2008-10-11T13:50:00.005-05:00

Sarah Palin's brother-in law, Mike Wooten (pictured above), looks just like Matt Parkman from the TV show "Heroes".

Pictured: "Matt Parkman"

Wikipedia Graffiti following Kimbo Slice's loss

2008-10-06T02:49:00.001-05:00

After Kimbo Slice was knocked out by Seth Petruzelli in a thrilling upset, it took no time at all before Seth Petruzelli's Wikipedia page was tagged with obscene graffitti that was subsequently removed. I was able to get some snapshots of the work done by the comical pranksters before they were taken down. Click on the image for a larger picture.

This entry calls Ken Shamrock a P***Y after he withdrew from the main event after sustaining a cut in training.

This one declared that Kimbo had been Knocked the F**k out, and also declared the demise of EliteXC.

Within 10-15 minutes, the graffiti had been deleted and the entry was locked.

Sweeney Todd Sucks

2008-04-14T19:49:00.002-05:00

So I saw "Sweeney Todd" this weekend and it was abysmal. Movies like this leave me wondering how movies even get made in the first place. Who allows such trash to be filmed?

This movie was horrible from start to finish. First off, it's a musical. That wouldn't be a problem if there were some good songs sung by talented singers, but that's not the case. The songs all sound the same. And they all suck. There's no melody and the lyrics are dull and boring. And oh yeah, the people singing them can't sing!

Sweeny Todd is a horrible movie that's disjointed at best. There's no rhyme or reason to anything, stuff happens inexplicably, and the audience is left guessing as to what is what. I was shocked to find out that this turd of a movie was nominated for various awards and I'm wagering that the people who enjoyed this film are pretentious film-goers. Lame.

There Will Be Blood SUCKS!

2008-02-17T22:17:00.002-06:00

Am I the only person who found this movie to be exceedingly boring and way too long? While the acting was great, the script was a bit weak. It's sad to say because it was a great plot that could have been an equally great movie. Instead we were left with a bunch of disjointed scenes. We were left with Daniel Day Lewis becoming insane or who knows what. He loves his son, he hates his son, who the fuck knows.

Some scenes, such as when Daniel Day Lewis is pretending to be baptized, could have been much more powerful if vaudeville style jokes hadn't been inserted every so often. And as great as Lewis did portraying his character, a lot of his actions just didn't make any sense -- it was basically him acting crazy for the sake of acting crazy.

I could go on about how boring this movie was, but I'll just leave you with this. Great Acting. Good plot. Too long. Too boring. Not enough interesting dialogue. IT basically seemed that the director wanted to have as many scenes as possible of Daniel Day Lewis acting creepy or crazy. And while these scenes really showed off what Daniel Day Lewis is capable of, they did nothing to make the movie more interesting.

Is the Slam Dunk Contest back?

2008-02-17T16:57:00.004-06:00

Every year during the dunk contest, an announcer inevitably proclaims that "The Dunk Contest is Back!" It was "back" when Jason Richardson won, it was "back" when Nate Robinson won, and apparently it's back again with Dwight Howard. D-Ho did have some crazy drunks, so all the props to him.

and though the Superman dunk is getting all the publicity, I really like this creative dunk Howard came up with.

The reason people keep looking for a reason to bring the NBA dunk contest 'back' is that it's hard to do something people haven't seen yet. A look back at the dunks from the 1980's makes it clear that MJ and Dominique would have had a tough time competing against some of the best dunkers from the mid 1990's and the present day. A hoop is 10 feet tall and there is only so much creativity you can come up with for a dunk. I mean, there are only so many ways to dunk the ball by bringing the ball through your legs. Vince Carter brought dunking to a whole 'nother level with his creative tour de force in 200o. Dwight Howard didn't quite bring dunking to a whole nother level last night, but he sure brought in some original flavor to the dunk contest. So is the dunk contest 'back' ? Of course not, it never left. We've just been spoiled with what were once thought to be un-thinkable dunks over the past few years. It's not that dunkers have no imagination anymore, it's that we're nearing a saturation point because people are close to maxing out what is possible with the dunk.

I might be wrong though. I mean, check out this video the "Air up There" from the And1 mixtape tour doing a 720 dunk.

Song Transation #1: 2Pac

2008-01-26T11:28:00.000-06:00

Today is the first installment in a series of blog posts where I analyze the lyrics to well-known songs. First up, "Wonder why they call you Bitch" by 2pac.

"Look here Miss Thang, hate to salt your game
but yous a money hungry woman, and you need to change
In tha locker room, all the homies do is laugh.
High five's cuz anotha homey played your ass."

Translation: Hello dear, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I get the strong impression that the emphasis you place on money in your life is misplaced. Furthermore, gentleman in the neighborhood have taken notice of this, and have been known to exchange celebratory gestures with each other every time you make love with one of them, presumably through trickery.

"It was said you were sleeezy, even easy
sleepin around for what you need
See it's your thang and you can shake it how you wanna.
Give it up free or make your money on the corner."

Translation: Your morals are questionable, at best. Moreover, while it is your body and you can do with it what you please, may I be so bold as to suggest that you read up on some Economic theory. For you see, if the demand for, how shall I say this, your "Booty"?, is high, then perhaps you should start selling said "booty" in exchange for cash on the street corner of your choice.

"Keep your mind on your money, enroll in school.
And as the years pass by you can show them fools.
But you ain't tryin' to hear me cuz your stuck,
you're headin' for the bathroom 'bout to get tossed up."

Translation: Perhaps starting studies at a local University would do you some good. Yet you do not seem to take my suggestions seriously, and apparently you are more interested in having sexual intercourse in a bathroom, of all places. Ho, you disgust me.

Any suggestions for other Song Translations? Leave em in the comments

E-mail from a guy who cant tell what SPAM is

2008-01-17T21:02:00.000-06:00

Hey everyone, I just returned home from my trip abroad and wanted to let you all know how it went. Wait a minute, my email inbox just exploded with 50 new emails. Lemme quickly go through them and then I'll catch up with you guys :)

WOW. I know I promised to tell you all about my trip, but something amazing is happening. I just received an email from a long lost relative of mine from Nigeria who claims that I stand to inherit a large sum of money. I have to admit that I was skeptical at first since I'm obviously not from Nigeria. As you all know, I'm from Chad, and although the two countries border each other, they are vastly different both socially and economically.

Anyways, a distant cousin of mine was recently murdered at the Nigerian Embassy in a coup d'etat and he left all his money to me. But as luck would have it, the money is tied up in tons of redtape. I can, however, hire someone to work through the legal entanglements and have the money wired directly to my bank account. I just have to send over some bank information so that the transfer goes smoothly. I know it seems risky, but my my relative is risking his life in order to help me out, so worrying over sending over some bank information seems a bit petty in comparison.

Well, if you can get over THAT excitment, allow me to tell you about my trip to Costa Rica. We flew into San Jose last Sunday and were greeted with 90 degree weather. It was beautiful. In fact, OH SHIT, HOLD UP!! I just got an email for a pill promoting a "machine gun man muscle." As you all know, my last 3 relationships ended because I was impotent, so this email is my second blessing of the day. The email says that "women are laughing at me" -- tell me about it brother! So I only need to send in 80 dollars for a 2 month prescription. Done and done! Anyways, back to the story. We landed in San Jose and decide to head right to the beach and get our surf on.

WAIT! Okay, I realize this is the third time I've interrupted this email but the Gods are smiling down upon me today. Check this out. As you all know, I was laid off 3 weeks ago and have been struggling to find a job. But I just received an email that reads: "In a recent review of online resumes, yours stood out and I believe you might be what my client needs. Alpine Access is hiring a Business Development Manager and I would like to invite you to accept the position."

A business position? For me, a high school drop out?! Wow, I might have to start leaving town more often :) The job is pretty much guaranteed. I get 80 grand a year (300% raise!) and tons of benefits. I. Am. Utterly. Speechless. I can't wait to show up to my first day of work. I know I'll impress them because I'll be wearing my brand new Rolex watch and European handbag that I just purchased online. Don't worry guys, I'm not throwing my money away -- I found a website that offers watches and handbags at huge discounts. I'm no fool.

Okay, so I'm not sure if it's related to my new job, but I just now received an email invitation to join "The Winners Club". When I clicked on the link my computer started acting funny. Hmm.. I wonder if it's a glitch on their end. I'll have to ask about that when I start next week.

Hey, this is odd. I was just offered another position as a "Senior New Media and Graphic Designer." Aside from the fact that I'm not qualified, I'm a little bit perplexed because I've never heard of the company and when I go their website, the URL is comprised of a bunch of numbers. Maybe it's a pattern like on LOST? I don't know, I'll have to follow up and call them. I guess I'm just being paranoid. I'm sure they just got my name from the same place the first company got my name. Too bad for them though, I already gots me a job :)

I know thats a lot to take in, so thank you for staying with me if you're still reading. Now I know you guys are all wondering what's going on with my lady situation. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but me and Michelle broke up while in Costa Rica. We had a great run together, but it just wasn't right, and we both knew it was time to end it. But don't worry, I just got an email from a hot girl (trust me, I saw her pics ;-) saying that she saw my online profile and thinks I'm sexy. She sent me a link to her webpage and lets just say that the pics don't lie! Long story short, I only had to pay $29.95 (that's chump change considering my inheritance) so that I could chat with her. So far she seems really nice, but who wears a bikini indoors? But hey, I'm not complaining.

HAHA. I just checked my spam and I had an email saying "Enjoy an exciting after-party after the party - with your large gun". What idiots. First of all, an after-party after the party is already like 7am and no one parties so late into the morning. And second of all, I don't own a gun. Obviously SPAM! Some people sure are idiots.

Anyways, I know I didn't tell you about my trip in detail, but I'll have to let ya'll know the scoop soon. Sorry for blabbing on, but it's just been such an amazing day, what with my new penis pills, my new job, new watch and handbag (authentic, thank you very much), and my new girl!

talk soon,

Graham

Facebook and Friendster and MySpace, oh my!

2008-01-09T17:18:00.000-06:00

How is it that Myspace continues to be one of the top visited sites on the web? I understand that a lot of bands use it to promote their shit, but any website that can continuously crash your browser is in DESPERATE need of a vast and extensive overhaul. I click on my friends pages and I'm bombarded with flashing lights, 45 pictures, and seemingly every youtube video ever created all crammed onto one page. I'm actually surprised that the friend whose page I'm looking at doesn't barge on through my door right as I click on their profile.

It's funny to think back to a time when Friendster was the most popular social network on the web. Friendster's downfall, of course, was that it was slow to add new features and users quickly jumped ship to newer and more attractive alternatives. Now I don't think Myspace is in any danger of becoming the next Friendster, but I'm starting to sense a small, yet significant, migration to its cleaner and leaner cousin, Facebook.

Interestingly enough, I've noticed that Myspace is slowly but surely starting to copy a number of Facebook features. For instance, the ability to tag friends in photos and to see which friends have updated their Myspace profiles are 2 new feature upgrades that were clearly borrowed from Facebook. Now I'm not anti-Myspace by any means, I just happen to prefer Facebook. And again, Myspace isn't going anywhere anytime soon. It has its nice markets, obviously. We all know that Myspace very big when it comes to music, but if it continues to become a platform for half-naked women who think they're models, spammers, and wanna be celebrities, then I wonder how soon it'll be before a mass migration from Myspace begins. I've also noticed that Facebook is starting to attract users who typically wouldn't be on a social network. And it's crucial to note that by separating its users into different networks, it's able to maintain credibility as a social network for both teens and those in their 30's. Ironically, if Myspace wants to maintain its dominance as a social network, it will have to start (and indeed it already has) becoming more facebook like. Oh cruel fate.

Lastly, I think that 'Friendster' should become an adjective to describe something that's clearly out dated and unpopular. Imagine the possibilities -- "Hey nerd, that shirt is so Friendster!"

Ron Paul's legion of idiotic supporters

2008-01-08T01:10:00.000-06:00

Apparently, Ron Paul supporters besieged Bill Clinton outside of a bakery and proceeded to shout that 9/11 was an inside job. Bill Clinton engaged the idiotic demonstrators and said, "You wanna know what I think? You guys who think 9/11 was an inside job are crazy as hell." Amen brotha. It goes without saying that anyone who thinks 9/11 was an inside job is a certifiable intellectual infant who watches too much 24.

But the interesting thing about this story, however, is the fact that the people involved weren't crazed Marxists, but rather Ron Paul supporters. I don't really know what to make of this but it seems obvious to me that if you're running for president, the last thing you want is to have your supporters running around like a bunch of crazed loons and making bogus claims about 9/11 to a president who wasn't even in office when the attacks took place!

Now I don't agree with everything Ron Paul has to say, but he seems to be an intelligent guy with a lot of interesting and new ideas for Washington. With that said, some of his supporters need to tone it down a bit. A good number of Ron Paul supporters are seemingly in love with the man and bring him up at every possible opportunity -- just check the comments in my MTV post below if you want to see what I'm referring to. Every day I'm inundated with an inordinate amount of Ron Paul election spam. Too many Internet message boards and social news network sites are filled with Ron Pauls rabid supporters throwing their annoying election propaganda in my face. The length to which these supporters will go to relate everything back to their fearless demagogue is almost humorous.

Here is a hypothetical conversation of me talking with one of these crazed Ron Paul guys.

me: "Man, I'm really hungry"
Ron Paul supporter (RPS): You know who also gets hungry? Ron Paul. Vote for him in '08.

me: I wonder what my brother will name his newborn son
RPS: Did you know that Ron Paul's last name is also a first name? Vote Ron Paul.

me: I really like Corn Pops, what a great cereal.
RPS: Ron Paul once saw a box of Corn Pops while shopping in a supermarket in Texas in '87. Ron Paul in '08, help change the world!

Enough already! The funny thing is that if Paul's army of highly motivated supporters continue to pester the masses with online spam, people who are looking to learn more about the candidates will have a bad association with Ron Paul from the get go.

Lastly, I'm not to make any broad generalizations here, but I knew 2 or 3 hardcore libertarians in college. They were all extremely intelligent, highly motivated, and they all ended up going to top 10 law schools. But they were all socially awkward as well. Could this be part of the problem? Are Ron Paul's supporters comprised of super book smart yet socially inept individuals? Who the fuck knows. Just stop with the spam already!

UPDATE !!(Unsolved Mysteries Style) Does Ron Paul harbor some racist, anti-semitic, and homophobic ideas? This just came out today, so it will be interesting to see how it holds up to scrutiny.

Did ya ever notice?

2008-01-06T02:04:00.000-06:00

Did you ever notice that the only time people use the phrase "through the roof" is when they're referring to their electric or heating bills? "My heating bill this month is through the roof!", they all shout. Unless you've somehow shot something literally right through the roof of your house, there is no other time when using the phrase "through the roof" makes any sense.

And did you ever notice that the only time people use the word "uncanny" is when they say , "The resemblance is uncanny?"

Enough is enough!

2008-01-05T23:30:00.000-06:00

You know those Coors light commercials where they splice together some video of guys asking mundane questions with footage of NFL coaches during there post-game press conferences?

Well the first few (like the one above) were definitely funny, but they've become stale and repetitive as of late. For one thing, it's the same gimmick over and over and over. But more importantly, there are only a finite amount of video clips that have coaches spouting off entertaining sound bytes. I've actually noticed that Coors now uses footage from fake press-conferences by getting guys like Dennis Green and Jimmy Johnson to say scripted lines on a sound stage to use in their commercials. Come on now! You can't do that. It's time to let a good idea die with dignity instead of beating us over the head with it 15 times during every game.

Besides, now self-respecting NFL fan drinks Coors light anyways.

People who need to go, Pt. 1

2008-01-04T20:11:00.000-06:00

People who say, "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." Yes, I realize that this was once probably entertaining in a Bond movie 40 years ago, but it has become the most cliched phrase in existence.

The person, who upon seeing two people wearing the same color shirt, exclaims , "Oh my gosh! Did you two like call each other and coordinate in the morning?" No, no we didn't.

Honorable Mention: People who think that saying "See you next year!" before New Years is both clever and funny. I can assure it's not. These are probably the same people who say "Blast off!" at the end of every countdown. If you're over the age of 13, both of these phrases should be off-limits.

MTV: What hast thou become?

2008-01-02T21:26:00.003-06:00

So I just checked the TV listings and the only times that MTV plays videos these days is from 5am to 7am. I guess I had assumed, mistakenly, that TRL or some variation thereof was still on the air. I find this interesting for a few reasons. Of course, there is the glaring fact that MTV stands for Music Television yet less than 10% of its programming is devoted to music. And I could of course point out the fact that many of the Television shows that MTV does air aren't even related to music at all -- shows such as "My Sweet 16" and "Made" come to mind. But I want to focus on something else here. I want to focus on the fact that MTV, for better or worse, has essentially become the cable TV version of US Magazine and TMZ.com. With that said, I've seen more episodes of Real World than should legally be allowed for a heterosexual male, and for the most part, I enjoy much of its programming. The mystique, however, is gone.

Without question, MTV has lost part of the allure that made it so great when people in or around my age group were growing up. I can thank MTV for introducing me to an array of diverse musical acts, from RUN DMC to Guns n Roses to Peter Gabriel to Michael Jackson and NWA. Unlike the current state of affairs, MTV used to be a way to explore new musical genres and be exposed to new artists. Shows such as Headbangers Ball and Yo! MTV Raps were instrumental in shaping the music that kids were exposed to, and subsequently became interested in. As a kid I remember flipping through channels and becoming enthralled with Def Leppard. I remember watching Will Smith rap at a time when it was actually cool to listen to Will Smith rapping. I remember where I was the first time I heard "Dre Day" on TV. From Offspring to Bone Thugs-n- Harmony, I can recall a plethora of bands that I would have otherwise been oblivious to had it not been for MTV. MTV, believe it or not, used to expose music to the masses.

But as time marched on, MTV began a slow and steady transformation. Though MTV had long been a place to watch original TV shows such as "The State", "True Life", and "Beavis and Butthead", those shows were always just the icing on the cake so to speak, a temporary reprieve from the music. Eventually, however, the shows MTV began airing started to become less original, more trashy, less focused, and more ridiculous. Shows such as "The State" (one of the funniest and most original sketch comedy shows of all time), for example, had something of substance to offer it's viewers. Now I turn on MTV and I see spoiled 15 year old bitches complaining to their parents about how they want a BMW convertible for their birthday. Hell, when I was 15, I was happy enough to watch Alicia Silverstone make out with a dude on the back of a motorcycle in an Aerosmith video. MTV used to be a place where you could either catch music or watch rising stars such as Adam Sandler and Jon Stewart before they became household names. Now, MTV is a place where you watch some douchebag named Spencer talk about nonsense to some lame ass girls who probably wouldn't have even made the cut for Singled Out, or even the classic "MTV Spring Break!" series.

MTV's disinterest in putting out quality shows was also reflected in the music they chose to promote. Somewhere along the way, MTV devolved from a station that promoted certifiable stars such as Michael Jackson and Guns n Roses to a station that promoted gimmicky and atrocious songs such as the "Macarena" and "Who let the dogs out". Because MTV primarily avoids music related programming these days, I can't help but wonder how this affects the musical interests of kids growing up. And the wild card in all of this is the Internet. Maybe kids are exposed to new music via other avenues these days and I'm just an old(er) man who is out of the loop. I suppose that kids today can just hop onto iTunes and browse an insanely large library of music that would have made the 12 year old me drool in envy. Perhaps, in the end, MTV's transformation was inevitable due to the fact that it's no longer the only game in town. Perhaps, the music video is obsolete.

Is MTV relevant anymore? Yes, but in an entirely different way. MTV can no longer 'make' an artist or band the way it used to be able to, but it does have the frightening ability to seemingly create stardom out of nothing for its reality show cast members. And in todays gossip hungry and voyeuristic society, apparently that's all you need to stay relevant. MTV doesn't play music anymore and it hasn't for quite sometime. I'm fine with it, but it's sort of interesting that a station that once had its hands on the pulse of American music has become a variation of SoapNet. And if every show on MTV was quality, then I'd be the last person complaining. But I just don't have any need to see a second season of "Tila Tequila" or 5 straight hours of "Life of Ryan". I don't think anybody does.

Jewelry Stores at the Airport

2007-12-25T22:10:00.000-06:00

Traveling over the holidays recently, I noticed a peculiar store at the airport that sold jewelry. I couldn't help but wonder who in their right mind would ever buy jewelery at an airport. I mean, for all I know it's quality stuff, but the location is what perplexes me. I came to the conclusion that the only people who would actually make use of a jewelry store at an airport would be men who cheat on their wives.

Think about it: You're a wealthy businessman travelling abroad for, um, oh i don't know, lets say, business. While overseas in London or Bangkok or Brussles or wherever you may be, you somehow get drunk and order a 500 dollar an hour escort to your room. I mean, who hasn't gotten plastered while wearing a 3 piece suit, taken out the maximum amount from an ATM machine, drunkenly stumbled to your hotel suite, awkwardly flirted with the maid (who through alcohol coated eyes seemed 40 years younger than her 70 year old wrinkles indicated) and called a masseuse who (to your surprise) turned out to be an expensive hooker? I mean, come on, it's inevitable.

Then morning comes. You realize you paid a woman 500 dollars an hour for 3 minutes of her time. You are hungover, but sober enough to realize that perhaps your MBA degree is a joke. By the time you shower, get dressed and become alert, you notice that your wife has left you 3 voicemails inquiring as to how your trip has been going. Your 3 year old daughter even left you a sweet message saying "When are you coming home daddy, I miss you". Before you know it, you're at the airport feeling guilty as hell. Are you going to tell your wife what you did? Of course not, you're not an idiot. But you are human and you do have feelings. But what, oh what!, can you possibly do? A'ha! It's almost too good to be true!! Out of the corner of your eye you see what looks to be a jewelry shop. Oh joy! You rush over and quickly buy a beautiful diamond necklace for your wife. You come home and your family is so excited to see you and then you drop the present on your wife. She smiles while you quietly think to yourself -- "God bless the man who decided to put jewelry stores in airports." 2 minutes later the kids are in bed and your wife is waiting for you in the bedroom while wearing some fancy lingerie. You, however, are busy catching up on some work emails that just came through on your blackberry. And what do you know! Looks like you're traveling again at the end of the week. Maybe that MBA was good for something after all.

Riddle me this

2007-09-24T16:52:00.001-05:00

If you could only have one type of finger on your hands, which one would you pick? In other words, you could have 10 thumbs, 10 index fingers, or 10 middle fingers etc. The need for opposable thumbs is key, so an important question would be which finger could perform thumb-like functions in the thumb location.

I think it's fairly obvious that the pinky doesn't even warrant any serious consideration. Same goes for the finger right next to the pinky (the ring finger I believe). The ring finger is inherently weak, exemplified by the fact that is chosen to wear the wedding ring. A hand full of 10 middle fingers might be useful for arguments, but friendly waves and benign hand gestures to friends and loved ones might cause some problems. I think 10 thumbs is a workable solution, but people might call you "stumpy". So we're left with 10 index fingers as the optimal choice. In the end, I think that 10 index fingers provides the perfect balance between dexterity and aesthetic considerations.

I just don't get it

2007-09-21T14:36:00.000-05:00

I never got why people come up with email address's that contain a number pertaining to a year that will soon become irrelevant. For example, someone graduated high school in 1999 so they make their email Jsmith99@hotmail.com. It's a dated email address, so why pick it? Sometimes people will simply attach the current year at the tailend of their email (i.e tofulovin07). People can sure be foolish. But not me. My email is timeless -- homer16@yahoo. Why Homer16? Well I was 16 when I first got an email address. And THAT'S how its done.

Black and White.... and bored

2007-09-21T14:04:00.000-05:00

For whatever reason, people in black and white photographs don't look as tough as they would in real life. I often find myself looking at old black and white photographs and thinking to myself that I could easily beat up everyone in the picture.

Dumb Jokes

2007-09-20T16:25:00.000-05:00

Here are 2 stupid jokes I made up today whilst bored at work:

1) what do you call a book about midgets? A short story
2) what do you get a janitor for his birthday? A urinal cake

The Idiot Files

2007-09-19T16:16:00.000-05:00

Do you ever send yourself an email and then notice that you have a new message waiting for you in your inbox? You then become all curious and excited until you find out that it's the email you just sent yourself. This happens to me on occasion. And on occasion, I write about such occurrences -- like now, for example. You are dumber for having read this post. This, in turn, makes me smarter. Point: Homer.

Gimme that dog

2007-09-17T16:48:00.000-05:00

So it recently came to my attention that some wealthy New York heiress died and left over 12 million dollars to her dog while leaving nothing to her grandchildren. For whatever reason (read: my anger that I was left out of the will) this lady annoys me because she seems to epitomize the wealthy socialite with an irrational obsession/love of animals. I mean come on, leaving your dog 12 million dollars? Give that money to charity, lady. Though I've never met this woman, I'd wager a large sum of my friends money that she was annoying. In fact, I saw a picture of her beloved dog and the dog looks annoying too. Update: turns out this woman is billionaire real estate investor Leona Helmsley and her nickname was the "Queen of Mean."

In any event, and at the risk of turning this blog into a forum for my irrational rants, allow me to state to the masses that I find old single women who leave fortunes to their pets to be an annoying group as a whole. There's probably a reason they decide to leave everything to their pets -- because they don't actually get along with human beings. If I ever come across an old woman with a tiny dog I might just be inclined to steal it from her... right in front of her face and right under her nose. And to add insult to injury, whilst I was stealing said dog, I'd remark "Hey lady, I'm stealing your dog and there's nothing you can do about it you old bag o bones." Then I'd saunter off, take pictures of the dog and tag that bitch up on facebook for all to see. Bitch.

Long time

2007-09-07T12:46:00.001-05:00

This post has been a long time coming. The anti-apple crowd has gotten too ridiculous and absurd and a response must be made. And as luck would have it, an article I came across today provides the perfect stepping off point to address a number of issues that have surrounded Apple as of late. The article in question attempts to lay out a case explaining how Apple has become the new Microsoft as it pertains to monopolistic actions and matter-o-fact bullying. So without further adieu, I will paste snippets of the article followed by my response. Enjoy.

"The core complaint about Microsoft in the 1990s was that its Windows market share gave it monopoly power, which it abused in multiple ways. Attorneys General and others zeroed in on the "bundling" of the Internet Explorer Web browser, which they claimed was forced on users because Microsoft offered it as part of Windows. People love iPods. But iPods come bundled with iTunes. Want to buy music from Apple? Guess what? You must install iTunes. Want an Apple cell phone from AT&T? Yep! ITunes is required even if you want only to make phone calls. Want to buy ringtones for your Apple phone? ITunes. Apple not only "bundles" iTunes with multiple products, it forces you to use it. At least with Internet Explorer, you could always just download a competitor and ignore IE."

Where do I even begin?! The problem with Internet Explorer, back in the day, is that Microsoft was trying to force it on consumers in the hopes that it would become the dominant browser. And given the fact that 95% of computers used Windows allowed Microsoft to inextricably tie the browser to the operating system. There were floods of complaints alleging that throwing out Internet Explorer would cause damage to the operating system as a whole. Moreover, Microsoft took numerous steps to ensure that Internet Explorer would come as the default browser on PCs. Now let's take a look at Apple. Apple makes a music player called Itunes. If you want to buy music from Apple, you must buy it through Itunes. SCANDAL!! Jesus, I don't know what the big deal is about this. If you don't want to download music from apple or use itunes, then just don't. It's that simple. Apple has created the ipod and is it so wrong for Apple to say: "Look, we've created this piece of hardware, and in order for it to run the way we want it to run, you have to use it in conjunction with our software." I don't see the problem here. The very reason the ipod has been so successful is precisely because Apple has been able to control all aspects of the user experience. If that doesn't float your boat, then just don't use itunes. Hell, don't even use an ipod. People forget that there are a number of other avenues out there where people can purchase music. Why not take it old school and even go and buy a CD? People are not tied to the Apple in the way that users were and are tied to Microsoft Windows. Microsoft tried to leverage their OS dominance as to ensure that people were forced to use their browser. Apple attained music player dominance because they gave consumers a choice to enter their gated community of itunes/ipod. If you don't want to enter, you don't have to. Itunes is the means by which apple is able to keep things uniform and ensure that consumers have an easy way to access and manipulate their digital libraries and eventually access them on their apple devices. If that doesn't work for you, then no big deal. People are not tied to itunes the way they are to Windows.

"And iTunes for Windows' popularity isn't driven by software product quality. ITunes is the slowest, clunkiest, most nonintuitive application on my system. But I need it because I love my iPods."

I use a mac so I can't attest to this, but I've heard this complaint many a time. One, get a mac. Two, the ipod is an apple product and Apple thinks itunes is the best way for the ipod to interact with digital files and so that's the route it's chosen. Is it surprising that Apple software runs better on Apple hardware? Of course not. Yet this author seemingly thinks that having third party software syncing up with Apple hardware will make life easier. Apple has no responsibility to ensure that the ipod can sync up with other media players. For all we know, other media players would only sully the ipod experience. By creating a streamlined and closed environment by which users interact with their music, Apple is helping the consumer by maintaining complete control over the experience. And again, that's exactly why Apple came to dominate the portable media player market in the first place.

"At least with Windows, you could reformat your PC and install Linux or any number of other PC-compatible operating systems. Can I reformat my iPod and install something else? Can I uninstall iTunes but keep using the iTunes store and my iPods?"

This reeks of typical Windows obliviousness. What average computer user even knows how to reformat their PC and install Linux? Does your average computer user even know what Linux is? And as for uninstalling itunes but keep using the iTunes store? Well, you've lost me. I don't even know what that means. Why would you want to use the iTunes store if you're so anti-iTunes? And if you want to use the iTunes store but use a different media player, then simply download the non-drm versions of songs that are now available on iTunes. Hell, you can even put them on a non-ipod device if it suits your fancy. That hardly sounds monopolistic to me.

This post is already long enough as is so I won't be able to respond to every paragraph written. But one point I must address is the authors contention that Apple has become the copycat that everyone used to accuse Microsoft of being. Microsoft essentially copied the Mac OS -- quite shittily I might add. It didn't really build on anything that the Mac did, and it didn't really push computing forward (dare i say it pushed it backwards) in any tangible way. Basically, it put out a shoddy copied version of the Mac OS. And as for Apple and the technologies it uses in it's products -- well no one claims that they are all Apple inventions. But Apple doesn't just copy ideas, it finds ways to integrate ideas into products in ingenius ways. No one ever claimed that Apple introduced touch technology but it was the first company that was able to make that technology readily accessible to the public. No one claims, as the author insinuates, that Apple was the first company to have a wifi enabled device. But they (prediction) will be the first that makes it actually a worthy add on. The Zune has had wifi for a while but who cares? Who cares about a technology if you can't derive any functionality from it. It's as if Apple invented the car and people look down at apple because they didn't invent the wheel. Apple, in releasing its products, finds new ways to use existing technologies in ways people had never before imagined possible. That's not copying, that's ingenuity. Microsoft dominated the market with technologies other companies developed first simply because it was Microsoft. Apple has dominated the handheld media player market because it has the best player on the market hands down. All in all, the article attempts to paint apple as a monopoly, a copycat, and a bully. Is the ipod a monopoly? Yes, in the sense that it dominates the media player market. But is it really a monopoly when there are so many other ways to access media content? I could easily amass an impressive music and video collection without even using an ipod or itunes. Is Apple a copycat? Umm.. why, because they didn't invent touch technology or wi-fi? I don't follow that logic. Anywhoo, this post has droned on long enough so I'll stop here. My normal and boring posts will resume any day now.

Two random thoughts of the day

2007-08-23T15:28:00.000-05:00

1) Wouldn't it be weird if when you went to take a shit, the food came out exactly the way it went in?

2) You know who's really happy about the prevalence of bluetooth headsets these days? Crazy people. When people started using bluetooth headsets, people would often see individuals talking on the street with their hands at their sides, a phone nowhere in sight. They'd therefore assume the person was talking to themselves and was otherwise crazy. But now, if you see someone seemingly talking to no one while they walk down the street, you just automatically assume they have a wireless headset on. So, there must be a whole slew of legitimately crazy people walking around muttering sweet nothings to significant others who don't exist who are therefore able to shield themselves from the 'Crazy' label. Bluetooth headsets have effectively allowed crazy people to seamlessly blend into society. Actually, now that I think about it, technology as a whole might one day totally blur the line between what we perceive as normal and crazy. It wouldn't surprise me if in 5 years I see my good friend KT massaging a tree with her hands while she talks into an acorn. "Have you gone mad?!" I'd ask -- to which she'd reply "no, you idiot. I'm just updating my facebook photo album while I check my voicemail." Sound crazy? Sure, it does today, but tomorrow?

Less Fur. More Diamonds!

2007-08-12T00:34:00.000-05:00

What's the deal with semi-attractive, full-on ditzy girls being so gung ho about animal rights? I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about. There seems to be an abundance of sorority-esque girls with fake nails and pink voloure sweatsuits, with tiffany heart bracelets who adore tiny little dogs and hate "mean people" who abuse animals. Now don't get me wrong, I in no way condone, endorse, or approve of dog fighting or any other type of animal abuse. What amuses/annoys me, however, are some of the girls who are so against it. What tickles my funny bone is that some of these animal crusaders seem to be living in some sort of fantasy world where they view all animals as tiny teddy bears, and since they seem to have some sort of infantile-esque way of interacting with society at large, they view all animals as "cutesy wootsey" and if anyone dares hurt one of their beloved "animawls".. well, then they're just a big 'meany'.

It's like Pamela Anderson. I get that she's all for animal rights. Well kudos to her, but just get out of my face about it. Actually, I take that back. Pamela Anderson agreed to a Comedy Central Roast 2 years ago on the condition that all proceeds go to fight animal abuse. That roast was hilarious, so I can't rag on her really. Maybe it's because I watch a lot of MTV, but I feel that I've seen way to many "you just hate me cuz I'm cute" type of girls who think they're the shit. The odd part is, it's not that their attitude really bugs me. It's the fact that they have a "cause" that really gets to me. I guess I think that they're too ditzy, stupid, and/or shallow to really care about something. Maybe I'm just being closed minded, but when you see a girl with fake nails and a little dog inside a 1000 dollar purse talk passionately about animal rights... well I don't know about you, but I just find it super annoying. A comparison: let's take your typical beach blonde california ditz and find her beach bodied male counterpart with a similar type of "I'm the shit" attitude. You with me brah? Okay, now imagine how annoying it would be if that same guy was a big advocate of stopping global warming. Hmm.. on second thought, I don't think this comparison really makes much sense. So to sum up: I find it extremely annoying when ditzy girls are so passionate about animal rights. It's not that they don't have the right to care about something, its more so that I envision them having some sort of childlike interest in the well-being of animals rather than having an opinion based on any sort of logical and rational thought process. Okay, now I'm going overboard but I never really ranted on here before so I thought I'd give it a try.

Peace.

I can't believe I just read that

2007-07-22T23:14:00.000-05:00

So I work in an office and I've noticed something interesting there. It's a breeding ground for what I like to call the "half-smile/nod".

The Scene: any office
The Players: you, bitch
Other players: random co-worker

So you're walking down the hall and you see a co-worker or someone who works in the same office walking towards you. You don't really know this person, but you know who they are and vice versa. Or maybe you don't. But either way, as you pass each other, you start to smile. But it's only halfway. Actually, it's more like a smirk, and no teeth are ever shown. And as you're forming this interesting facial expression, you sort of nod your head downards at half speed as you make eye contact with the other person.. It's the half-smile/nod. It's akin to saying "Hey, I don't know you so this is how we apparently acknowledge each others existance. You work where I work so I'll be polite and smile. But don't get the wrong idea because as you can see, it's only a half smile I'm giving you. But don't fear, I'll throw in a nod on the house."

I go through this routine a few times a day. So much so that it was on my mind and I blogged about it. I don't call this blog wasting time for nothing!

I'll try and do better next time, kids.

This old routine?

2007-07-20T20:27:00.000-05:00

So a friend told me I should start writing again because I tell good stories. In other news, I'm apparently I'm an easy sell. I'm surprised more people aren't like "Hey Homer, you're pretty buff and handy with the bricks, wanna come help me renovate my house?" Another reason why I've returned to the blogosphere is that the person who I was supposed to start a joint blog with punked out on me. Her name is the RedBaron in case your wondering (.. andcheck it out Kat, it's a double insult since your new nickname now incorporates the name of your sworn enemy. Thats right. I'm playing dirty, and I'm looking in your direction). Now that that's out of the way, onto a blogpost.

Actually, I'll do a blogpost later. I'm tired. Stay tuned.

amtrak livin'

2006-08-22T00:43:00.000-05:00

Today on the train I was sitting across form a 11 year old kid and a college student. From where I was eavesdropping, I couldn't help but overhear part of their conversation. Apparently the college student was studying acupuncture, and upon hearing his neighbors field of study, the 11 year old kid's eyes lit up.

"Acupuncture?!"

"Yup", the woman said with a soft smile.

"You mean with needles?!"

"Yup, that's what I do."

Then the conversation took an unexpected turn onto a road I didn't even know existed. The kid goes:

"I heard that only crazy people go to acupuncturists."

"Really? Why would that be?"

"Because acupuncturists are crazy, so if a crazy person goes to one, he won't feel as crazy."

Then the boy's grandfather, who was sitting behind them, chimes in -- "No, its true! You send a crazy person to someone who is crazy, and he starts to feel more normal."

The woman started to smile, sensing the humor in the odd conversation she was having with 2 random train travelers. Trying to appear serious, she explained that acupuncturists actually do a lot of good work and help a lot of people with real problems.

The boy, however, could not be stopped. He was traveling full throttle down a previously un-traversed road, and not even the logical words of his college student train neighbor could slow him down.

"If I ever went to one", the boy said, "I'd grab the needles and STAB THE DOCTOR!"

Then I laughed. True story.

Miss me?

2006-05-25T01:24:00.000-05:00

I'm back again, and hope to resume blogging regularly now that Summer is approaching. My summer plans are anybodys guess. At some point, though, I'm going to have to start looking for a job -- as in, a job that doesnt involve sprinkles and selling yogurt to skinny teenage girls who think they're too fat. In short, I will be scouring far and wide for a REAL job. Yikes! Funny thing is, none of my good friends can picture me with a real job. In a wierd way, though, it sort of makes me happy. Like maybe it means I'll end up finding some cool ass job that isn't your typical 9-5 (or 8-7) type of gig -- an acrobat perhaps, or a tester of the worlds finest toilet papers. Maybe I'll invent something, or start a business, or write something, or do something fun. All I know is that sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day doesn't sound too appealing.

I guess the scariest part about looking for a job is that I might actually find one.

you've. been. punked.

2006-04-07T16:17:00.000-05:00

hahaha homer.

Fools in School...

2006-04-06T23:31:00.000-05:00

Joy. Excitement. Relief. Just a few words that come to mind when a teacher finishes class early. Right when a teacher says "Well, that's all the material I have for today", I start packing up my stuff and, if I'm in the right mood, I do a little jig. But any teacher worth their weight in apples will always add on this little gem before class is officially over: "Does anyone have any last questions?" That is when my eyes start roaming around the room in a wild frenzy, as I pray no one makes any sudden movements. But, to my dismay, there is always some fool that can't hold in his/her question until after class. This annoys me to no end. Being in class is bad enough, but being teased about getting out early really sucks.

Sometimes a kid in class will make a joke and everyone else will laugh. The teacher will then ask what was said, and the kid will respond softly. So the teacher asks them to repeat the joke. This might happen 2 or 3 times until the teacher finally hears it. But amid all this hoopla, something funny happens. Everytime that student is asked "what did you say?", his answer becomes more formal and the joke loses all funnyness, assuming it was even funny in the first place. Case in Point:

Teacher: I hope I don't have any typos on the exam this year. That would really give me a headache.

Student: Yeah, that would give all of us major headaches too, so try not to. [class laughs -- [edit: law students are nerds]]--> case in point: my double brackets

Teacher: [confused] What was that?

Student: Oh, I just said that a typo would be a major headache for us too.

Teacher: Huh?

Student: [speaking more slowly] Having a typo on the exam would be frustrating.

Teacher: Wait, what did you say?

Student: [speaking louder and more deliberately] I hope there are no typos on the exam for that would impede our ability to answer the exam question accurately.

Teacher: Right, that's what I just said.

Note: I wasn't that student!

Speaking of law students being nerds, this actual exchange went down in a class of mine.

Teacher: This example is really old and might be outdated...I don't know if GE's stock still sells for 45 dollars.

Student: 45 bucks? Ha! Not with their corporate structure..

People then started laughing for some reason, and I couldn't help but think to myself: "I pay for this?!"

Back for the first time..

2006-04-06T23:22:00.000-05:00

And I'm back. With a new template. And I'm not sure if I like it. But it was time for a change, and this was the best I could find. As I'm sure many of you have noticed, my comments were erased in the great template transition of '06. Blah. What could be worse? Losing 100+ text messages perhaps. I also noticed that my blog roll has been erased, so look for a new and updated list of blogs to check out. And to encourage comments, I will now be taking requests for blogposts. Want me to write a poem? Just ask! Want to hear my opinion on the relation between violence in america and kids climbing trees? Just comment away!

Brazilian. Wax. Poetic.

It's all about Fed. Jur.

2006-03-01T14:19:00.000-06:00

So Anna Nicole Smith is appearing before the Supreme Court. That's about as crazy as..... waaaait a minute.. Anna Nicole appearing before the Supreme Court should be the punchline, not what actually happens.

WInter Olympics

2006-02-26T21:11:00.000-06:00

How to fool people into thinking you watch the winter olympics:

"Hey, that 14 year old figure skater with the hard to pronounce name, from that even harder to pronounce country - she's really kickin' ass in the figure skating competition!"

Birthday Message gone awry: Ma Neeshma?

2006-02-19T23:36:00.000-06:00

Growing up, one of my best buds had a younger brother named Avi, who I was also friends with. Two years ago, Avi left the US and went to Israel to serve in the Israeli Army.

Sometime this summer, his brother informed me that Avi's girlfriend (in Israel) was trying to put together a nice birthday surprise for him. One of the gifts was going to be an audio CD comprised of messages from Avi's friends and relatives from all over the world. I was told to record, on my computer, a silly message for Avi and send it to his girlfriend's email, and then she'd take care of the rest.

So I recorded a message for him, and it started out like this: I tell him in Hebrew, and in a deep manly voice (uh... i mean my natural voice), "Avi, this is your Commanding Officer. What are you up to?" Then I switched to English and said something like "What up, its Homer, hope you have a happy birthday and that you're having a good time" etc. etc.

Done and done.

In the end, I heard the CD contained something like 20 or so audio tracks from various friends and family members. His girlfriend left a message herself, and I imagine it was a nice lovey type of message. So naturally, when she gave him the CD, she wanted him to listen to the track she recorded, first. She tells him: "Avi, listen to number 16 first." Being a good soldier, and an even better boyfriend (that was gay hah), Avi complies and puts on track 16.

The girlfriend was mistaken, however, and track 16 wasn't her own message, but was mine! So Avi, expecting to hear some sort of heartfelt message, instead hears my stupid ass voice talking in a stereotypical Hebrew/Soldierish accent. He started laughing and couldn't help but wonder why his girlfriend wanted him to listen to that one first!

Dunk Off!!

2006-02-18T21:45:00.000-06:00

Oh shit, blogging live for the second year in a row for the NBA All- Star dunk contest, and once again, I'm up screaming and clapping like a little kid. Nate Robinson, the 5'9 mini man, brought some crazy shit and had the crowd going insane. Word's can't really describe some of the dunks this dude did.

Anyhow, for the first time ever, the dunk contest ended in a tie.. enter.... the DUNK OFF. Oh shit! Nate Robinson stepped up and delivered after a few misses with an amazing between the legs off the backboard dunk. Next up was Andre Igudala (the other finalist)who needed a 47 or so to beat Nate. He goes up and dunks. It's decent.

The scores come up and it looks like Andre has enough points for the victory. But then a judge changed his score from a 10 to an 8, thereby giving the Dunk Title to Nate Robinson. Scandal! Iverson goes "We got robbed". Andre is seen mouthing "That's fucked up". Either way, good ass dunks.

Everyone likes to see little guys get up and jam. Woot Woot!

Homer Gets Punked

2006-02-18T14:37:00.000-06:00

Homer Gets Punked: A novella of sorts...

It all went down last winter. Gold Nugget was crashing at my place one night. I was on my computer while the nugget was sitting on my couch behind me, presumably typing away at some assignment that was due the next day. An IM pops up.

It says "Hello Homer, this is Nugget's wife, is he there now?" Sometimes G. Nugget's wife would sign on under his name, so I thought nothing of it.

I responded "Yes, he's right here".

Wife: "Can you please tell him to come to the computer, I have to tell him something."

I tell Nugget, "your wife is on the computer, she wants you for something." He responds: "Hold on one second, I'm just finishing up this assignment"

I send the Nuggets wife an instant message: "He said he'll come in a second, he's just finishing something up"

Then shit gets hectic..

I get a message from her saying: "Homer, you know me right?" I respond "Yes". She goes "And I know you, and I like you a lot, and I want to ask you a question, and I want you to be honest with me". I'm sorta confused but say "shoot".

She then asks "Homer, does Nugget really crash at your place sometimes? Sometimes he doesn't call and I think he may be staying somewhere else". I respond "No no, he stays here". She goes, "Are you being honest with me Homer, I really want to trust you, I know you're a nice guy".

At this point I go to Nugget "Dude, just come over here, its getting really awkward. Your wife is asking if you crash here. I told her yes, but she doesn't seem to believe me." He responds "Oh jeez, tell her one second! I'm almost done here... Well fine, just have her call me then."

So I tell Nuggets "wife" on the computer -- "He says to call him". She says "Okay". 2 minutes later she goes "What is going on, he didn't pick up, are you sure he's there?" I relay the info to nugget, who is still seemingly engrossed in his homework and he goes "Dude, what do you want me to do, she said she'd call but my phone didn't ring, tell her to hold on. I mean you didn't hear my phone ring either, right?!".

I tell Nuggets wife: "He says to hold on.." She replies, "I just called, he didn't pick up.. please stop covering for him, or if he's there, please put him on the chat line so I can talk to him."

At this point I feel like I'm in the most awkward of situations. Nuggets wife thinks he may be cheating on her, and wants the scoop from me. But there is no scoop, Nuggets just being a bitch sitting on my couch, lost in stupid law school homework.

I say "Nugget, this is getting pretty awkward, just come and chat with your wife, she thinks you might be cheating on her!"

He says "Stop B.S'ing, I'm almost done anyhow"

Meanwhile, the Im's from Nuggets "wife" keep getting more and more awkward. She's getting sad and emotional and hurt, and I don't know what to say to make her feel better, or alleviate her concerns. I start getting nervous that there is some deep seated husband/wife friction going on, and I'm stuck in the middle of it!

After 2 more minutes of me pleading with Nugget to stop being a nerd, I get this IM from his wife:

"Homer, it seems that G. Nugget isn't there, and I appreciate that you are trying to cover for him, but I want the truth, no matter how bad it hurts... But can I tell you one more thing before I sign off?"

Homer: "Sure, but I swear he's right here! what do you want to tell me?"

Nugget's Wife: "Look behind you BITCH!!!!"

I turn around and see Nugget laughing his ass off like no other. "Dude, you were freaking out!!! hahahahhahahah" He was crackin up forever. Turns out it was Nugget on the computer the whole time!

I told him "You fucker!" but I couldn't help but laugh as well. I had been punked. Badly. G. Nugget, King of the Pranks, had struck again.

Believe it or not...

2006-02-12T21:40:00.000-06:00

At my undergrad, you had to complete 7 credits worth of Science courses in order to graduate, and by my Senior year I had accumulated 6. Since I had already met my math requirements, I sucessfully calculated that I only needed 1 more science credit.

1 credit science courses are an interesting breed in that they're usually blowoffs, and my undergrad was no exception. Some of the 1 credit science classes I had to choose from included: Coral Reefs, Climate and Mankind, Volcanoes and Earthquakes, and Water and Society.

I chose to take Coral Reefs.

A few weeks after the semester ended, my grades started to roll in. Having slacked off my first 2 years of college, I was now tryin to do as well as I possibly could to boost up my lackluster GPA. My grades started to come in one at a time, and things were looking up -- that is until I saw a big fat F on my transcript. An F! What the F (pun intended) was going on?! I examined my grade more closely and saw that I received an F in "Volcanoes and Earthquakes", but I wasn't even registered for that.

Or was I?

Panicking, I checked my schedule and it turned out that I really was registered for Volcanoes and Earthques, yet I had been "attending" Coral Reefs all semester long. I had been going to a class I wasn't registered for all semester, while not going to what was really on my schedule. Yikes. So I had to contact the administration and tell them what was up. Then, the professor from Coral Reefs had to write something verifying that I really attended his class. Then, I had to petition for a "late drop" to drop the 'F' from my transcript, resulting in an awe-inspiring "W". Finally,I had to petition for a "late add" in order to get my Coral Reefs grade on my transcript. The whole thing was so idiotic it was almost funny. I survived unscathed.

On a side note, that same semester I saw my Coral Reefs professor at a party. What he was doing at an undergrad party is beyond me, but rumor had it that he was sleeping with a student. Anyhoo, I got a little tipsy, and before I knew it, I was talking to my Prof. asking if he could give me a good grade. In hindsight, I should have hit up the party where the "Volcanoes and Earthquakes" professor was at.

Better posts on the way loyal readers.

Charlotte's Web: A Fairytale

2006-02-12T18:57:00.000-06:00

There i was--making my way through my favorite local bar--when what should brush my cheek?

A strand.
Silvery.
Silky.
I looked up. Peeled away the strand.

Continuing ahead, I walk into a mass group of what appeared to be friends. But friends they weren't.

Spiders.
A mass of spiders.

They looked at me as if I had just made the biggest mistake of my soon to be short lived life. I tried to turn around, but was entangled in those silky strands. Try as I might, my struggling only made it worse. What appeared to be the mayor of the web made me turn around. I relinquished myself to my fate.

Out from the shadows she came.
My eyes followed the black line of her spindly legs up to her huge eyes. For a moment I froze. All time stopped.

But then I realized.
I have nothing to lose.
It was now. or never.

So I filled my lungs. And I straightened my shirt.
I was going to face the widow head on.

I decided a pre-emptive attack was the way to go. With lightening speed I broke free of the entanglement, broke free of the spiders that tried to wrap me in that silky web. And came up from behind.

"Well...hello there. How are you?" I queried.

The response was to be expected.
Inarticulate and dull.
Nothing more than simple stuttering.
Her eyes were filled with fear.
She couldn't look at me directly.

I continued with the rapid fire. She was not going to make it out this time.
Two options existed:
It was her. Or it was me.

I continued. "So how is your latest prey? Catch anything more in this luxurious web of yours?"

Stumbling through her words like a methadone junkie. Stringing together what was audible from her sounds, I realized there really was no point. Sensing the impending awkard silence. She was on her heels, and quickly asked,

"How is school?"

That's all she could muster. I had to savor the moment. A grin grew gradually across my face. I couldn't help it. I steadied myself.

"Great." I replied ever so confidently not realizing I was still trapped in the web. "Couldn't be better."

Just then her webmate tried to intervene. He could sense that she was losing ground. It was too late.

I turned to around to leave. But decided. NO MERCY.

I spun my heel. Tapping her just above her black widow red hourglass marking, I replied, "It was really nice to see you Widow."

The only venom to fly that night would be mine.

And the widow, what did she get you ask? Banished. From the web. Forever.

Moral of the story. Even the widow can be prey.

Randomness

2006-02-07T21:10:00.000-06:00

So apparently an international team of scientists have found a "lost world" of newly discovered plants and animals. New kinds of birds, frogs, butterflies, and even a new kind of kangaroo! For some reason I find this find to be pretty cool. Usually when scientists discover a new sort of species, it's something boring like a beetle with a slightly shorter lifespan than a regular beetle, or a grasshopper that doesn't quite hop, but frolicks instead. But a new Kangaroo? Interesting shit. For a day at least.

I never got why people were so obsessed with the Olson twins. Sure they were cute kids, but that's about it. I never got why people were counting down the days until they turned 18, as if they were any different from other child stars. In related news, I just found out that Steffanie from full house was addicted to Meth and had to go to rehab. Add that to that Olson chicks eating disorder and it makes you wonder exactly what kind of house of ill repute this "Full House" really was. And in the midst of all this madness, the question must be asked: Where was Uncle Jesse?

Whenever you go to a restaurant you are immediately told what the special is. I've never in my life actually seen someone order the special. As Seinfeld once said, if the special was so good, why isn't it on the regular menu? Touche`.

I've always wondered this: Men like the smell of a woman's perfume, and women like the smell of a man's cologne. People like to smell good. Why wouldn't a man wear a woman's perfume if he thought it smelled so good. Some women are addicted to the smell of cologne, so why don't they buy it for themselves? I've actually wondered bout this for years. Maybe it's psychological. Guess nugget was right, I'm a PCG afterall ;-)

This post has been lame, but I'm just getting back into the game. I'll have some good shit comin up soon. Any requests?

Funny shit...

2005-12-22T00:55:00.000-06:00

One of the funniest things I've seen on the net in a while... originally from SNL. Enjoy

http://gorillamask.net/snlnarnia.shtml

Unprepared Exam Taker: Law School Style...

2005-12-19T23:48:00.000-06:00

If you're an unprepared law school exam taker, then something funny happens to you around finals time - you start to appear homeless. Everyone knows what I'm talking about. One day you realize that you've been wearing the same clothes for the past 4 days and haven't showered in 3. If you're a guy, your once clean shaven face is now the proud owner of a beard, and with no classes to attend, you lose all conceptions of time. It may be a Wednesday morning or a Sunday night, you have no idea -- all you know is that you have a semesters worth of studying to do in 3 days.

If you're an unprepared exam taker, it's probably the result of laziness. Sadly, laziness doesn't go away during finals, and if anything, it only becomes worse. During finals time, an unprepared exam taker will find himself embedded in all sorts of new hobbies and interests he didn't even know he had. Before finals you hated animals, but during finals, you can't help but browse the web perusing websites about the nursing habits of baby goats. You become a facebook fiend, poking your friends like an epileptic with a sword. You take up new musical interests. You take in an orphan, build a harp from scratch, and catch up on some old episodes of Fresh Prince. Me and g.nugget spent a lot of time playing stupid video games online. Didn't start till finals came, and never played again once finals ended. Funny how that works...

If you're an unprepared exam taker, then the following has happened to you. You walk into an exam with 4 outlines, tabbed with all the colors of the rainbow. 1 outline is from a gunner in the class above of you that you obtained by.. well, lets just say you're now in possession of it; 2 of your outlines are ones you found online at some website where some loser posts all his outlines and grades and papers for you to gank; the last outline is one you made yourself. Well, you didn't really make it, you just sorta copied and pasted shit from those other outlines and occasionally added some original content from your notes Well, they're not really your notes -- their your friends notes that you had to copy because you were skipping that day.

So you walk into the exam with a cache of outlines, but the funny thing is that you don't really know any of the material. At best, all you remember is a bunch of random crap you tried to cram in the last 24 hours. In the most likely scenario, all you know is where to find the info you need on your outlines. In a way, its kind of like going on a road trip - you don't really need to know how to get from NYC to Cali off the top off your head when you have a trusty map in the glove compartment.

So there you are in the middle of an exam, rustling through your notes, your book, and a bunch of outlines trying to find what you need. You look to your right and see a gunner writing intently and passionately, and all he has by his side is a short mini outline he probably wrote himself. While he seemingly has the answer flowing freely from his brain onto the bluebook, you're wasting valuable writing time by flipping through all your papers, all the while thinking "Damn, I know I just read about this issue on one of my outlines... but what outline was it?? Why isn't there a tab for it? Did I read it in my notes?" Then you go through your notes and are like "Damn, I sure doodled a lot". In the midst of all this hullabaloo, you're throwing papers around left and right, making markings, crossing stuff out, checking tabs, and you probably look like some crazy mad scientist trying to find a hidden variable in a mysterious equation. After 4 minutes of this, you forget what the damn question was in the first place and what you're looking for. So you try and read the question once more only to discover that in the disaster zone that would otherwise be known as your "desk", you can't find the exam! If you're an unprepared exam taker, this has undoubtedly happened to you many times. It just happened to me the other day.

An unprepared exam taker always is writing until time is called. Since he doesn't know what exactly to say, he just says it all. Taking an Evidence exam? Why not throw in some shit about murder in the first degree. If you know it, why not write it! Hey, why not just make stuff up while you're at it. Promissory Negligence? Sure, why not! Cardozo bright line gunner sba theory -- what's that? Who cares! If it pops into your head, write it. Because if you knew your shit to begin with, you'd probably be out of there with an hour to spare.

An unprepared exam taker loves talking with his fellow slackers after the exam about all the b.s they just wrote. "Dude, I was writing all this shit about how the law was egregious, and how the treatment of the plaintiff shocked the conscience. I even threw in the word "estoppel"! I'm a 3L and I still don't even know what it means, but I'll be damned if I didn't put that in there." An unprepared exam taker will always take a few seconds in the exam to laugh at some of the b.s he's writing.

Lastly, if you're a unprepared exam taker, you spend more time figuring out how many pages you haven't read during the semester than you actually spend reading the assignments. If you're an unprepared exam taker, you only go into the exam knowing one thing -- your exam number (and you probably had to go to the office to get it since you most likely lost the piece of paper it originaly came on).

Anyone out there have some memorable B.S they've spouted on an exam? Or any other profiles of unprepared exam takers?

Back again

2005-12-13T00:38:00.000-06:00

My friend just started up a blog, and has a hilarious post up about what it's like being a single guy living with 2 cats. Is there a correlation between the 2? The jury is still out...

More to come later this week. I'd post more now, but I just gotta call from the Nugget.
That fool is always up to no good....

As J.Lo's booty once told me, it's good to be back.

The best part of waking up (insert foldgers jingle here)

2005-11-06T19:26:00.000-06:00

is reading a new post up at Island Music.

Coffee Shops: The refuge of hipsters, debutantes, academics, and socialites alike. If you know me, you know that I've never been big on studying, let alone at coffee shops. I was never anti-coffee shops, I just never ventured out to chill there since I don't like coffee. But lately, I've been to quite a few of them, despite my non-coffee drinking ways. In the process, I've made a few observations for your reading enjoyment. So sit back, relax, shut the T.V off, and grab a cup of coffee as my hands attempt to keep up with the influx of coffee-related thoughts that are pouring out of my mind like milk from the teet of a cow.

1. Everytime I go to a coffee shop, I always think that coffee shops are unique and strange in the sense that people will go and pay 3 bucks for a drink, and then proceed to just camp out there for hours and hours on end. It's kind of strange when you think about it, really. I mean, everyday people go out to eat at nice restaurants with loved ones. They order food. They laugh. They tell stories, and in the end, they'll spend, at most, a few hours enjoying a nice dinner. On the other hand, people will go to coffee shops by themselves, pay 3 bucks for a drink (sometimes sandwich?) and will just chill there for the whole fucking day! What other business operates like this?! Gotta give props to the coffee shops, though, for creating nice and inviting environments that people are willing to hibernate in over warm beverages. I guess when it comes down to it, coffee shops are a function of their ambiance, and people will decide what shop to go to by what environment most suits them, and always remember that Wi-Fi is a must.

2. Scarf Man. In my limited coffe shop experience, I always seem to spot a dude with black rimmed glasses on a laptop. I call him scarf man for he is always wearing a tshirt whilst wearing a scarf -- over his t-shirt and indoors. Fascinating!

3. Maybe this is related to number 1, but it seems that it takes people forever to finish their drinks in coffee shops. Perhaps they need an excuse to hang out there for 8 plus hours?? Do people, outside of coffee shops, drink their coffee so slowly?

4. Studying. Seems like peeps go to coffee shops to study. This begs the question: Where is a better environment to study if you're in college? A locally owned (of course) coffee shop, or the undergrad library. Here is a breakdown, chock full of generalizations and stereotypes.

Girls: Hot, yet annoying, undergrads vs. girls who hate undergrads. Girls at coffee shops can be really hot, or really hairy. It's a jungle out there, remember.

Noise Level: If you need a lot of background noise, then hit up the library. If not, go for the beans. Coffee shops provide low-level chatter, and perhaps, some light music playing in the background.

Taste in Music: People in undergrad libraries enjoy popular music. People in coffee shops proably liked that same music until it became popular.

Food: Libraries have vending machines, and maybe, if you're lucky, a little bit more. Coffee shops usually have a vast array of beverages and sandwiches. Advantage, coffee shops.

Clothing: People wearing Abercrombie vs. people organizing boycotts of Abercrombie.

Politican Awareness: Social Justice minded coffee shoppers vs. girls discussing last weeks Greek social.

Blog Reading: Patrons at coffee shops and undergrad libraries always enjoy a new blogpost from Homer. Tie.

Ugg Boots: Undergrad libraries are saturated with girls discussing the latest in Ugg fashions. Go to a coffee shop and you can overhear girls saying "I'm gonna kill the next bitch I see wearing Uggs."

Bathroom writing: Coffee Shop bathrooms are clean with nothing amusing on the walls. Undergrad library bathrooms, however, are a nest of creativity. Clever poems. Tasteless jokes. Shocking drawings. Hey, who doesn't want some entertainment on the John?

Sports: Undergrad libraries have guys and girls talking about college football etc. Go to a coffee shop, and you'll hear guys deriding how sports are given too much of an emphasis in our male dominated society. Why, they ask, does everything have to be competitive? Can't everybody be a winner? Hey, where's my scarf? Ironically, the best athletes in a coffee shop are the women. (and dont give me flack for saying 'ironically", suckas)

Voting: People asking "What time is Nader speaking at?" vs. people asking "What's an election?"

The winner? That's for ya'll to decide in the comment section haha.

Video Games (NES Style!)

2005-10-27T21:28:00.000-05:00

Every guy has had an infatuation with video games at some point in their lives. All the fools my age probably grew up on the old school Nintendo, so let's take a trip down memory lane.

Super Mario Brothers 1: Ah, a classic! Adored by guys and girls alike, this game started it all. This is one of those games that is challenging at first, but soon becomes beatable in like 10 minutes. Warp to level 4 through the tunnel, then again to level 8. Fight a pesky dragon, save the princesses, rejoice. Gotta give this game 5 stars as you can play it over and over, and still have a good time, even after you've beaten it a billion times.

Duck Hunt: Remember playing this game while jumping over beds, doing somersaults, all while shooting at ducks with a trusty ole' Nintendo firearm? Basically, it's 10 year old kids pretending they're Rambo. Gotta love it.

Tecmo Bowl: Oh shit!! This game was off the CHAIN, and if you don't know, then you go better pick up a copy. What kid didn't love playing this f'in game? The graphics weren't great, but I think it's one of the funnest games of all time. Every guy had their favorite team they always played and stuck with. And this was back in the 80's, before expansion, so the league talent wasn't as diluted as it is today. I always went with the Raiders. I'd kick ass with Bo Jackson and Marcus Allen. Throw in Tim Brown and Howie Long, and you're in for a beating. Other notable teams were the Bears and the 49'ers, but I'd still take on anyone with my trusty Raiders.

Playing this game was fun as hell. Who can forget having the QB run back 50 yards, only to launch a bomb down the field for a touch down. Who can forget running the ball and makin people miss by running around in a quick circle. Who can forget getting right near the end-zone and just chillin there, taunting the defense, even running up and down the 1 yard line. Who can forget scoring a touchdown and seein the graphic of 2 players givin high-fives? Who can forget the cheerleaders? This game was dope on all levels.

Super Mario 3: definitely the best from the Mario trifecta. So many cool things: Flying. Frog Suits. Whistles. Big World. The list could go on and on. I always thought the most frustrating way to die was to be eaten by a giant fish. Level 8 on this was a bitch. An all time classic, though.

Punch Out: Classic game with an assortment of stereotypical characters. Piston Honda. Glass Joe. Can't remember any of the other names, but there was an Indian that put a spell on you (great tiger), some fat hippo dude that would lose his shorts. And who can forget about the star of the game, Lil Mac!! He'd train like a bitch, running while his trainer rode along on a 10 speed. Dedication. What were the other characters names? I could look it up online, but im whoring myself for comments.

Ice Hockey: Who to pick? Fat dudes with power, skinny dudes with speed? Game theory for kids, sort of.

Zelda: I used to hate Zelda. Then one summer day I popped it in and got addicted big time.

How often did this happen to people? You're playing a game and you finally get to the last level. You then decide to take a break and think things over as you've been waiting for this moment for weeks. So you get up and start pacing back and forth, trying to stay cool. But remember, you can't pace for too long. After all, you're in the zone and you gotta pick the controller back up and get down to business. Someone then pops in the room and asks what you're doing. You respond like a drill sergeant layin down the law, "Quiet! I just got to level 8 and I need to think". You think to yourself, "I can do this, I can do this". If you beat the level, you rejoice like a King with a harem of 3 biters. If you fail, you throw the remote and swear like a sailor. Good times. It's also great when your playing a game, lets say Super Mario Brothers for example, and your making a big important jump, and you'll stand up and tilt the controller as if that has some effect on what's going to happen.

And how can we talk about Nintendo without talking about getting the games to work. Remember how games would get dusty, and you'd blow into them trying to get it to work. Everyone thought they had the best method. "Dude, you have to blow on it 3 times and tap it once". "No way man, my way always works. You blow on it softly, then hit it once hard, and quickly put it in (we still talkin about video games? ha!)"

Old School Nintendo. Childhood fun to the max.

Anyone have any Nintendo stories of their own? Favorite games? Favorite stories?

And if ya don't know....

2005-10-18T01:15:00.000-05:00

Nothing beats wearing a pair of new socks for the first time.

Living with a Freak

2005-10-16T19:52:00.000-05:00

One college summer, a roommate of mine moved back home and found a lovely subletter named "Troy" to take his place. Now Troy was quite an interesting character. Before moving in with me and my other roommates, he had spent the previous year traveling around the US following Phish. In addition to traveling, Troy enjoyed partaking in many drugs. A different kind of trip I suppose. Now why did I first put the name Troy in quotes? Well you see, "Troy" wasn't even his real name. I can't remember what his real name was, but how he came to be called "Troy" is a classic "Troy" story. One weekend, while still in the midst of following Phish around the country, he found himself crashing in the woods with some fellow Phish heads. As the story goes, him and a friend were tripping on some shrooms, or something, and his friend goes to him all serious "Yo man, YOU'RE TROY". Troy then responded "Yeah, I AM TROY!". Weird, huh? What's funny is that he thought this little story was completely normal, and he explained it as matter of factly as if he were telling a story about where he bought his shoes.

Not surprisingly, and at his parents behest, Troy used to see a Psychiatrist. Being a cunning fellow, Troy would go into the Psychiatrists office and take notes himself. What did he take notes of? As I recall, he told me this:

"It was so funny, I'd walk in there and the Psychiatrist would be taking notes of our session. Meanwhile, I'd take out my little notebook and take notes about the Psychiatrist. He thought he was analyzing me, but I was really analyzing him."

Troy was so proud when he told this story, it was as if he was describing how he discovered the cure for polio or something. Troy also enjoyed saying the phrase "Right on, right on" like every fucking second. Interesting guy this Troy fellow was.

Sometimes Troy would get all deep and say stuff like: "Dude, when you think about it, life is almost like a house of ... its almost like a house of popsicle sticks, you know what I mean?" Sorry bro, I don't. Troy would sometimes try and explain his "deep" thoughts, and sometimes they'd actually make sense, in a weird sorta way. Maybe if I was into existentialism I'd appreciate his unique take on life, but before that, I'd need to look up "existentialism" in the dictionary, and we all know that ain't happening.

Contrary to public opinion, living with Troy wasn't all fun and games and popsicle sticks. For you see, while Troy enjoyed paying his dues, he didn't really enjoy paying rent so much. Long story short, he left town without paying a months rent. My roommate, who he was subletting from, tried to track him down and get shit settled out. First step: Call Troy's lovely parents. Bad move. Turns out they want nothing to do with Troy and his money problems anymore. Step 2: Call his girlfriend's parents and see what's up. Apparently they didn't care for Troy much and wanted him out of their daughter's life from the get go. This Troy fellow is getting shadier by the minute.

Next, Troy gets pissed that my roomie contacted his parents and sends him some email, with the subject as "War", saying how we are to contact him ONLY at some voicemailbox number, and how my roomie should think twice about contacting his parents again.

Then, his girlfriend sent my roomie an email saying how she's in lawschool (yeah right!) and how she knows lawyers in the area and how she might consider filing a restraining order and pressing charges against my roommate. Freak!

Long story short, turns out Troy and his girl moved down to Tennessee. SUPPOSEDLY, Troy became violent, broke some windows on his girlfriends car and became homeless after they broke up. Not to worry, she explained, Troy just had some mental problems and wasn't violent at all (never mind breaking some car windows??) In any event, Troy had a free months stay in our apt.

Anyone out there have some crazy roommate/subletter stories?

Randomness Part V

2005-10-03T22:01:00.000-05:00

You know how some stores have cash registers that say "If you do not receive a receipt, your purchase is free"? What, exactly, is the idea behind that? If someone doesn't get their receipt, will they really try and get out of paying? I just picture the person at the register being like "Dude, come on, I've been standing here for 8 straight hours, are you serious with this? It's a fucking receipt"

You ever talk to someone and at some point in the conversation you can't help but think to yourself, "I have no idea what this person has been talking about for the last 15 minutes." Then, you start to wonder what the hell you have been thinking about for the last 15 minutes, since you obviously weren't paying attention to the person your supposedly "talking" to.

A few days ago, I met a young couple that had a 4 year old son. A friend that was with me goes to the child: "Hi! How old are you?!" It was then my turn to say "Hi" to the lad. Now I haven't been around little kids in the longest time, so without thinking, I just look at the kid and go "What up?" I'm surprised I didn't ask him what his major was. Maybe next time I'll ask him about his career plans.

Handicap Stall

2005-09-29T10:48:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago I had to get dressed up for court. After that little ordeal, I had to make a little hike back to campus whereupon I went into a library bathroom to change out of my dress clothes into my normal clothes. I was staying in town for the weekend so I had a backpack with me and a travel bag as well.

So I walk into the bathroom, and seeing as the Handicap stalls are pretty spacious, I figured that would be a nice little place for me to change. I must point out, before I continue, that I've never in my life ever seen a handicap person use a handicap stall. Has anyone?? So there I am, chilling in the handicap stall, changing my clothes ever so slowly. And that's when it all went down.

Through the little crevice in the stall, I saw, to my horror, a middle aged man in a electric wheelchair rolling by. He was kind of peeping into the stall to see if anyone was in it. Oh damn, I felt like the worlds biggest dick. As fast as I could, I gathered all of my shit and opened the door and threw everything onto the floor, as I tried to scurry out of the stall ASAP -- while still in mid-change. I get out of the stall, but by that time, I see that the handicapped individual was already at a urinal doing his thing. It didn't look like it was ideal for him, so I still felt pretty shitty. But what could I do now?

So anyways, there I am. I'm still trying to get fully changed while standing in the middle of the bathroom with my shit strewn all about. Thinking the drama is over with, I once again am takin my sweet dear time. But then it happens again. I hear a noise. I look up. It's him. The handicapped fellow. He's done peeing. He wants to leave the batthroom, but he can't because all my belongings are blocking his path -- and it's not like he could just step over it. Feelin like an even bigger asshole, I quickly move my shit out of the way (took like 5 seconds but felt a lot longer). He then rolls by me as I say "Sorry".

TV: Sexual Innuendo and Old White Men

2005-09-27T22:39:00.000-05:00

The other day, while flipping through channels, I got preoccupied with something and left the TV on the Food Network.
As I was doing whatever I was doin, I heard some dirty shit comin from the tube. "Now this is extremely moist and it's almost ready. Once we put this in, it will taste really good in about 20 minutes."

That same day, the TV also got stuck on the Golf Channel. I have no idea how as I am the farthest thing from a golfer you can imagine. So anyhow, these 4 old white men are sitting around chatting and one proceeds to tell a story.

Old White Man #1: I'll be honest with you guys, I don't really like foreign food. In fact, I don't even like trying foreign food. I enjoy good ole American cuisine. But I gotta tell ya, while I was travelling abroad this past week, I had some Thai food and it was really great! Really spicy too.

Old White man #2: Ha Ha. Wow Bob, that's very interesting. You know, I don't even know how to spell "Thai"! So you say the food was spicy, huh?

First of all, why is this on the Golf Channel? Second, how stereotypical a conversation is that for old white men who golf?

Stayin Krispy

2005-09-26T20:15:00.000-05:00

The general decided to visit this weekend. He wanted to know if I could land him 6 kilos of some champagne powder.

"Sorry man, I can only get 3 Kilos for the weekend. Oh, and by the way, parking up here is a bitch."

"You motherfucker, 3 fucking Kilos won't do the trick. I have clientelle to look after. And just for the record, there are 2 things I never pay for --
Women, and Parking".

Shit, I had to think fast so I put on my specs. There was no way I could land any powder, so maybe if I found some women to chill with, the general would be appeased.

The general arrived. Turns out that he already had some chicks lined up for us. Sweet.

Damn, these hoes were finer than I thought. I made my way to a fine mamasita named "Catalina".

Hours passed, alcohol was drunk, and fun was had.

After a few hours, it was time to say our good-byes.
"I love both of you equally, remember that"

"I only love you, my sweet"

The next morning it hit us. It hit us hard. What had we done?! For you see, as it turns out, those weren't women at all. They were statues. Damn you berkley!

Pointless stories...

2005-09-22T00:19:00.000-05:00

About 2 months ago, a friend from home came up to visit for a weekend of debauchery. One night, a group of us had quite a bit to drink, traveling like nomads (some on foot, others on horseback) from bar to bar.

Here is an artists rendition of our intoxicated posse.

So by the time we got to the last bar, we were pretty gone. One of my lady friends then decided to buy one more round of drinks. So she gave my friend his drink and after the first sip, he realized that there was no way he could finish it. His body jsut couldn't handle another sip of alcohol.

So my friend is chillin there, chatting with the girl that just bought him a drink, while contemplating what to do. He didn't want to just hold it and not drink it after she had just bought it for him. So he decides, as he's talking to her, to deviously start pouring out his drink, ever so slowly, onto the floor. Problem solved! ... or so you would think. The floor was concrete and the girl was wearing open toed shoes. The alcohol splashed down on the ground and onto my friends foot.

Not so sly apparently. She goes to him "Are you pouring your drink on the ground?" He replies, trying not to laugh, "No!". Then she starts laughing cuz he obviously was.

Just recently, I was talking to the same friend about his recent trip abroad. He goes to me "It turns out that I can't speak Italian as well as I assumed I could".
I go to him "What in the world ever made you assume that you could speak Italian?" He goes "uh.... I don't really know". Too funny.

Fugitives...

2005-09-19T02:19:00.000-05:00

2:45 Saturday
I get a call from comrade. Our funds were running low and she said she had something big cooking. "Easy money, real quick" she said. She told me to meet her at a local eatery.

3:23 Saturday
I arrive to find comrade deep in thought. She begins to tell me the plan. It's bigger and more risky than I first thought. What did she have in mind?
She tells me, "I have a heist in mind...let's rob a bank".

Whoa. Rob a bank?! Me?! This was a bit much. I wanted to know more. Nay, I needed to know more. She proceeded to give me the details.

"Wow, now that's a good plan, comrade!"
The plan seemed easy... almost too easy. With little to no cash flow, I had no choice, so I jumped at the opportunity. A plan, devious in design and poetic by default was launched. It was on. But this was a big op.
We needed some help. We decided to enlist the services of a devious little dink named "Cole".

"Bank Robbery, huh? Keep talkin..." We explained the plan, and she was on board. Lastly, we needed a getaway driver. Who else to call but Cali's most notorious playa. Fredo.

He may look like a sweet kitten, but don't be fooled. If you get in his way, he'll run you the F over. He was just the man for the job.

So there we were: Me, Comrade, Cole, and Fredo. Four young tuffs 'bout to do some dirt. The mission was planned for Tuesday. We needed some rest, and some liquid courage.

DAY 2: The Heist.

1:24 Tuesday
Comrade calls and tells me there's a change of plan. "Forget the bank, lets hit this Brinks armored truck". Sho 'nuff.

2:24 Tuesday
The plan was a disaster. Comrade, Cole, and I had to flee with blood gushing from our many wounds. We had to find our getaway driver, Fredo. But where the fuck was he?! This was not going according to plan...

Turns out the bastard had too many cervezas and was busy having a drunk make-out session with some floozy he met at the bar. You'll pay for this Fredo!! Cole had been detained. Last I heard she was charged with being Dink-a-Stink in the 1st degree.

Comrade and I called up a backup getaway driver, an old Cuban friend of ours. But he showed up in this piece of shit ride. F that. Comrade and I had to escape by foot. Once again, we were left to our own devices.

We were fugitives. We had to disguise ourselves quick. So comrade, being quick on her feet (and quicker off her feet) put on a fake pair of glasses. Pure genius, Comrade, pure genius!

Following comrade's lead, I decided to disguise myself as well. I quickly turned my hat around. Instead of wearing it backwards, I was now wearing it forward. If we were gonna get caught, we sure as hell weren't gonna make it easy for em. Now we needed a hideout...

Surely, no one would think to look for us here.

The Aftermath:

After 2 days hiding out in a tree, we made our way on foot. Destination unknown. Odor unrecognizable. Cops still on our ass. Right when we thought all was lost, I notice something in the distance. But is it what I think it is?! No, it can't be... can it?! It's almost too good to be true.

It is!! In addition to blogging, my good friend Gold Nugget owns a chain of crappy restaurants. He fed us and gave us a place to hide out for a few days. All hail the nugget!

The next day, we broke Cole out of prison and somehow met up with Fredo. Nevermind the deatils. Where are we all now?
I can't tell you that, but just know this: Thank god for wi-fi on the high seas...

Road Tripping

2005-09-13T12:59:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, me and a comrade in arms decided to road trip it.
Where were we going? How were we getting there?
After much debate, we decided to go by car: so we left our tandem bike in the garage and went on our way.

Hour 1 of our journey: I am focused on the road ahead, while my comrade can't help but ponder, "Did I turn the stove off before I left?"
Poetry in motion.

The open road. America. Freedom. Clowns. Dirty Feet. Our journey was well under way.

Hour 3 of our journey: We are weary, and I have lost my patience with the photographer we hired to document our trip. In a fit of anger, I decide to flip him off while my comrade fires up a cancer stick.

Hour 5: We are lost in small town America. I can't recall which state exactly, but one of those annoying Southern states where pie will cost you a nickel, and swearing will cost you your freedom.
My comrade hates pie and I love to swear, so we got the f outta there.

Twelve hours in: My comrade in arms has grown weary. I, on the other hand, am alert and ready for anything after doing 2 lines of coke. It was at this moment that we decided to trek down to Puerto Rico to visit an old amigo.
I tell my comrade/driver to make a left.
She ignores me and makes a right.

Where the fuck are we?! Why, oh why, did she take that right turn?! We run into 2 tribesman who appear to be high on peyote and bear a strong resemblance to don Quijote and Sancho Panza. We know not the language they speak, and the cars they drive look freakishly similar to what we in the states call "Horses". After much back and forth, we realize that we are in Cuba. Using a midget interpreter we had stowed away in the trunk (precisely for emergencies like this), we were able to get directions to Puerto Rico. They also hook us up with some grade-A peyote. Muy bien.
Thank you noble triblesman, wherever you are, the peyote should prove most useful.

Blame it on the peyote if you must (I blame my stubborn comrade), but we get lost once more. After deciding the foul odor in the car was coming from her, my comrade changes shirts and asks a stranger for directions.
He is of no help.
We are lost, hungry, and alone.

I start to hear voices. Is it the drugs? No wait, I hear it coming from the fountain. The noble tribesman have sensed our troubles and are communicating with me via these statues.
I tilt my head ever so slightly and the answer is clear.
We must venture on.

The sun is going down, but we are reaching ever so closely to our destination. Puerto Rico. I can hear the salsa music and J-Lo saying "I do" once more. I can smell the beans and rice.
I am alive. We are alive.

At approximately 6:30 A.M., we see our amigo. Alas! We have arrived.

Comrade wastes no time and goes right for the sauce.
So typical of her.

I follow comrade's lead and we raid the liqour cabinet.
You know, smuggled booze goes down easy in early September.

Have You Seen this Con??

2005-09-11T23:43:00.000-05:00

On Sept. 11, 2005, at approximately 3:47 P.M., the above individual was seen putting stolen diapers into a U-Haul truck of indeterminable origin. Using high tech surveillance equipment, local authorities were able to zoom in on the aforementioned suspect. He was last seen wearing purple shorts and a gold chain. The chain may have been stolen as well, investigation pending. Eye witnesses are said to have heard the old-school song "Ditty" blaring from stolen stero euipment in back of the U-Haul.

Girls and Booze: Friends to the end

2005-09-10T13:00:00.000-05:00

Summer 05 and I'm chillin at a bar with some peeps. Little did I know that on that brisk June night, I would be privy to an episode of drama that only women can cook up. The story:

One of the girls I'm with is waiting in line to use the bathroom. Another girl rolls up and apparently tries to cut in front of her. Being a nice gal (for the time being at least), my friend responded in a congenial manner "I've actually been waiting in line here for a bit". The other girl then responded curtly "Oh, whatever, then just go". Oh shit... girl drama is bouts to go down. My friend starts talkin back and before I know it, it seems like there is going to be a full scale rumble. The shit talking escalated quickly, and it wasn't long before they were all up in each others faces, pointing, hooting, yelling, and head bobbing. Before anything serious went down, though, the girl that was in the bathroom at the time left, at which point my friend went in to use the facilities. She comes out of the bathroom a few minutes later with a huge ass smile on her face. She then proceeds to empty out from her purse 3 rolls of toilet paper and goes "Let's see what that bitch will wipe herself with now.... I got all that bitches toilet paper!!" The fact that girls can be so devious and clever had me in stitches, but the best exchcange was yet to come. When the girl came out of the bathroom, my friend goes "So bitch, what did you wipe yourself with?" The chick responds "Fuck you bitch". Again they're right back in each others faces. Once more, my friend goes "That's fucking nasty bitch, what the hell did you wipe urself with?!" Then the chick puts her hand right up to my friends face and goes "Your looking at it bitch!! Can you smell it?!!" Jesus Christ, where the fuck am I!?! Eventually the 2 parted ways without any one throwin down, and oddly enough, the 2 of them became friends by the end of the night. As another man named Homer once said: "To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems".

Hit Me

2005-09-10T11:14:00.000-05:00

Rican, you're holding all the cards in this little game.

Either Shit or Get Off the Pot

2005-09-07T20:39:00.000-05:00

Here's your favorite nerd again with one sound piece of advice:

you need to make a move and have it go the distance.

Socially Akward Weatherman

2005-09-07T15:56:00.000-05:00

I used to be really shy, so here's a funny story of me trying to break out of my shell:

Freshman year of college, I'm sitting in the cafeteria with some people I don't really know cuz my friend had already left. The peeps are talking about tv channels they like. I had just read a magazine article talking about weather buffs who enjoy watching the weather channel for fun, much like a regular person would watch ESPN or MTV. I figure I'd try and speak up and participate in the conversation, so I gather up all my courage and say in a monotone robotic voice: "Did ... you .... know ... that some people watch the weather channel for fun?" [insert crickets chirping here] And that was it. I didn't expand on what I had said or anything like that. "people watch the weather channel for fun" -- lord have mercy :)

People you meet a dance club

2005-09-06T13:00:00.000-05:00

If you ever go to a dance club, or a bar with a dance floor, you will inevitably run into a fair number of characters. Here's a rundown:

The Dancer:
The dancer is the girl that goes out to a club to dance, and only dance. She's not interested in hooking up, and the odds are that she has a serious boy friend chilling at home. The dancer usually goes out with a group of female friends. They usually dance together in a circle, forming a protective barrier from unwelcome advances from sleezy men.

The Male Dancer:
This is the male version of the above. This dude goes to a club to get his dance on, but if you watch closely, he's not interested in dancing with any ladies, he's more concerned with trying out his new moves. Techno music will usually get this guy going, and he can often be seen dancing as if he were alone in his room. For some reason, these types of dudes tend to be Asian or white dudes from the burbs. Usually, these guys can be seen popping, c-walkin, break dancing, or doing all sorts of cool interesting moves. For these guys, it truly is all about the music.

The Tease & The Chump:
I put these 2 together because they go hand in hand. Common scenerio: The tease (a female) will be bumpin and grinding with a guy (the chump). The dancing gets pretty hot and heavy and the guy thinks he'll be gettin some play -- after all, this chick is all over him. Many times, the tease and the chump may even start making out on the dance floor, or by the bar perhaps. This only reinforces, in the chumps mind, that he'll be gettin some poontang later on. But then, suddenly, the girl say something like "I'm going to go find my friends now". To the girl, the encounter was just some random fun -- a little dancing, a smooch, but nothing more. The chump, however, is so caught up in getting some play, that he'll spend the entire night looking for that same girl in the hopes that he'll get some hanky panky action. The Chump can very quickly turn into a sleeze.

The Sleeze:
The Sleeze is like a scavenger, stomping around the club in search of a drunk girl to dance with and take home. The sleeze is often drunk and cannot be reasoned with. Telling him to go away will do nothing, and a bouncer may sometimes be necessary to get a sleeze away from a group of girls.

Don Juan:
Don Juan is the dude in the club with a hairy ass chest and a button up shirt that, ironically, isn't quite fully buttoned. If you see this guy, make sure to have some bird food handy as the birds living in his chest hair will greatly appreciate it.

The regular guy:
The regular guy will go to a dance club but won't really shake his thang on the dance floor. He may be shy, nervous, or maybe he just isn't into dancing that much. Either way, his friends will constantly beg him to get on the dance floor and bust a move. Usually, their pleas fall on deaf ears -- but fill up the regular guy with some booze and a packed dance floor, and you may be lucky enough to see some bad dance moves! The plus to being a regular guy is that when you finally get the courage to get out and dance, people will rejoice and celebrate as if you're a cripple who miraculously just learned to walk.

The Fat Trashy Girl:
This girl is usually straight trailer trash. She'll probably have a few tatooes on her arms and neck, including one of her 6 yr old child named 'mookie'. She goes to the club and dances like shes dancing for a doughnut. After years of observing the fat trashy girl in her natural habitat, I still can't figure out what their deal is. Maybe they just like dancing, or maybe they're looking for a baby daddy. Maybe they just are what they are, and shouldn't be labeled as fat or trashy. Too late.

The Short Muscle Man:
These are the dudes that are under 5'7 and are built like fucking tanks. They often wear super tight shirts to accentuate their muscles. These guys apparently are over-compensating for what they perceive to be their lack of height, but what they don't realize is that 215 pounds of muscle on a 5'5 frame looks ridiculous, and if anything, turns women off. These guys are like little square blocks wandering around, and can often be seen drinking water. After all, alcohol isn't good fuel for these men who might as well be called "machines".

The Bartender:
This girl/guy can often be seen hanging out behind the bar, handing out drinks to customers for money.

The dude behind the bar who isn't allowed to serve drinks:
I guess this person is a cup cleaner, or errand boy or something?? He'll often be behind the bar washing glasses. He's not a bartender and isn't legally allowed to get anyone a drink, but drunkards will nonetheless try and get a drink from him. The dude behind the bar, who usually has a towl hanging from his belt, never says a word, but will instead raise his hands up in the air and shake his head, as if to say "Sorry bro, I just clean shit up, I can't serve you booze, sorry".

There are many more types of peeps u see at a dance club, but this is long enough as it is... so loyal readers (including you Mrs. Wiksta!), fill up the comments with ur own observations, generalizations and stereotypes.

High School High

2005-08-31T11:10:00.001-05:00

My International Law escapade - Nerd on the Run: This time it's personal.

So I had this one class where every week a certain group of students were required to write a short 1 page response paper regarding the weeks reading. Now, first things first, let me say that the class was a 2 hour a week waste of time. Actually, I enjoyed it as I spent a full 2 hours writing notes back and forth between me and the 2 people that sat beside me, one of which was the infamous Gold Nugget. In any event, I had a busy weekend prior to when my response paper was due. Also, I did not remember that my week was coming up until a day before my paper was due. I guess I'll blame that one on the fact that I had yet to print out the syllabus from the class -- im such a rebel.

So the day of the class rolls around and I figure it's not such a big deal. Right before the break in the class (it's 2 hours so we get a break in the middle) the Professor calls me out and says he'd like to speak to me during the break. A fellow student a few seats down yells out 'busted!', while some students to my right, seemingly in unison and well rehearsed and choreographed chanted "someone's in trouble, someone's in trouble". Just some friendly jeers I thought, still assuming that I was in the clear.

So I go and speak to the professor, he is clearly irritated and seems to be taking it as an insult that I didn't write the paper. I mention to him that I was under the impression that my week was the next weeks readings (looks like im learning to lie like lawyers do already, eh?) He is surprised and pulls out the syllabus which clearly states in bold big font everyone's assigned dates for the papers. "How could it have been any more clearer?" I mention something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I was going by another system." 'Another System'??!!!! What the hell does that mean? Ha ha, not I, but I said it.. I think it actually threw him off and confused him. Back to the story. He then goes "Alright, u can do the paper for next weeks readings" (I'm in the clear!!... or am i?)

He then asks me "But you did do the readings, right?" "Sure! I did, I just didn't realize it was my week to write a response paper" (sounds of impending doom and danger are now playing in the background) "Great, I'll call on you then" (eeeep).

So we have 5 mins left before the break is over and I'm contemplating what to do! Do I try to do the reading before class? Lemme investigate. Again, I have no syllabus (lord have mercy!) so I ask someone real quick to check theirs out - 30 some pages of reading assigned. I try to tell myself that I will put my hyped up reading skills to the test and see if I can skim the hell out of this mofo of an assignment in 5-15 mins. (we had a guest lecturer the first half who was running behind.. so she still had a few more points to make before my professor would take over) Hmm.. 2 seconds into the first sentence and I'm like "screw this." There was no way I was even gonna attempt to read this stuff... Too much pressure, too much reading, too risky, and of course, I'm too lazy :-)

I ask some classmates for some advice. No one has any ideas. Do you? Let's see if you can figure out my maneuver, I thought it was pretty clever, and very High School - esque (Hence the name of the post). So I come up with a plan, and the plan is this: I stick around for the second part of the break, but only for a bit before I conveniently have to go to the bathroom. I leave all my stuff in my seat, my book wide open, notebook out, pens out etc. To the naked eye, I'm out for a quick break. To the keen observer, I am now guilty of fleeing the scene of a crime. Prior to the end of the break, I tell G. Nugget I am just going to leave and never come back. I'll leave my stuff and ask him to just pick it up for me when class is over and meet me somewhere in the lawschool after class is done. He agrees. It's on. 15 minutes into the second half of the class, I make a break for it. I look straight ahead, think of a warm beach and the pacific ocean where I hope to work on a boat (Oh wait, that was Shawshank Redemption). In reality, I walk out quickly and quietly, nervous as hell. I'm out the door! "Celebrate good times come on!" I go down and see some friends, tell them my ordeal, seems to be a good story all around. So I just hang out and enjoy life for the next 45 minutes or so, though I must mention that I still had some lingering feelings of worry and stress for some reason. So class eventually ends and my friends hands me my bag. Turns out the professor calls on me and mentioned "oh it looks that 'so and so' hasn't returned yet'. I survived. Afterwards, a few people approached me and were like "bold move." Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. I guess, in hindsight, what I gotta do is print out the damn syllabus and do my work! Oh well, I have no regrets.. was a fun experience and makes for a story.

Socratic Method

2005-08-31T11:10:00.000-05:00

As Labor Day approaches, thousands of students will enter a funny high-school-esque world otherwise known as "Law School". As an incoming 1L, one of the biggest fears is being called on in class and getting grilled in front of your classmates, confidant's, and lovers. My experiences with respect to getting called are quite charmed; so without further adieu, here is a rundown of ALL of the times I got called on in class during my 3 year law school career and got fucked. Some will make you laugh, others will make you cry. Others will make you feel as if you just lost your puppy. Enjoy.

1L Year
Contracts: Here we go. Finally, a story to tell. It was during the first month of law school when this story takes place. I had contracts from 3:30-4:30 everyday. On the day in question, I hadn't done the assigned reading, and moreover, I got to school a tad late since I had to wait for the cable guy to finish setting my shit up. I get to school at 3:35 and see Gold Nugget, who I happened to sit next to for that class. I tell him that we should just skip since I didn't do the reading and didn't want to get called on. He's like "whatever dude, he won't call on you'. I say "I don't know if I want to risk it, I haven't done the reading at all so I can't even B.S my way out of it" The Gold Nugget says "Just go to class, you won't get called on, trust me".

Word to the wise: Whenever the Gold Nugget says "Trust me", don't. So anywhoo, per the Nugget's suggestion, I decide to go to class. 5 minutes in I hear the professor go "Homer....". Eeep. What the fuck do I say?! I mention that I'm not prepared to answer any questions about the assigned
case, so the Prof. goes on to someone else. Turns out it was no big deal. He asked a question, I couldn't answer it, life goes on, and my cable got hooked up. I got called on again later in the semester, and was able to answer it. Holla back.

2L Year
Con Law 2: Oddly enough, the Gold Nugget re-appears as a villain in this little story. Long story short, during a class about freedom of speech, the teacher goes into some really long hypothetical. I stop paying attention and start writing notes to the 2 peeps next to me. The hypothetical was pretty long and drawn out as I was able to write a few notes while the Prof. kept talking. Right as I was finishing up a note to Gold Nugget (something about a video game, or vids as some like to call it), she calls on me. "Homer, how would you handle a question like that?"

My brain is thinking "A hypothetical like what? Oh great, gotta think of an excuse, I don't even know what this Prof. has been talking about for the last 5 mins!" Since the hypothetical was so long, it's not like I could have asked her to repeat it. I had to bite the bullet. I tell her "Oh, I was busy reading the assignment for today's class so I didn't hear the question, sorry." How dumb is that?! It was as if I was trying to act all noble and the only reason I didn't hear the question was because I was busy reading some con law material. Heaven forbid it was because I was goofing off. Now that is rich! On to the next story.

International Law: This baby deserves a post of its own!! Read the previous post below to get the scoop.

Tax 1: I get called on and I'm not even in class to come up with an excuse. I either slept in or was hung over. Probably both. Farger.

Trusts and Estates: This class had a seating chart, but somehow I ended up sitting in a seat that wasn't mine. One day the Professor decides to call on someone. He looks at the seating chart and goes "Mr. Palal, do you think this is a will or a trust?" I go "Oh, I'm not Mr. Palal, I'm actually in the wrong seat today". The professor, being a charming fellow, goes "haha, no problem, so let me ask you anyways, is this a will or a trust?" You can't get an easier question than this in TNE. It's akin to asking someone "Is this math problem an addition or subtraction problem". But, there's a problem. I was busy chatting with the person next to me and didn't hear the question. I mention that I'm not sure and off he went to call on someone else. Str8 Pimpin.

3L Year
Taxation of Real Estate Transactions: The Rican guest stars in this story. I do the reading for class and am all ready to answer the assigned questions. There were a few, though, that I just couldn't figure out. The Prof. calls on me. Some questions I answer fine,
but then he gets to the ones I had trouble with and asks me what I think. I'm blanking, so the Rican whispers an answer to me. I tell the teacher what the Rican just whispered to me and the Prof goes "No, that's incorrect, turns out that this question doesn't really have an answer". Blast! I was tricked by a trick question! What are the odds?!

A class that shall remain nameless: In this story I wasn't so much called on as I was called out. The Gold Nugget guest star's, once more, as a villain. I think I'm starting to notice a pattern? Aywhoo, I sat next to Gold Nugget for this class and we spent a lot of time goofing off and laughing in class. Not a smart move since we sat right in front of the teacher, a few rows back.

One day, the prof. decided that she had had enough of our antics and she goes,'What's so funny back there guys? I see you 2 laughing, so if something is so funny, maybe you'd like to share it with the class??"

I say "Sorry" and think that the saga is over. Dead wrong.

She goes "No, what's on that laptop back there?" The Gold Nugget goes "Nothing, just my notes". The teacher goes "Is that right? Then what's so funny?"

Then, the Gold Nugget grew a pair of balls and goes to the teacher in a very confrontational tone "If you don't believe me, you can come back here and check". I can't convey the tone of the statement via text, but trust me, he might as well have said something like "Make your move bitch, let's see what you got". Naturally, the prof. responds with "Oh, that's okay, I believe you." Hmm... maybe we're homefree now. Wrong again!

Then the teacher starts ripping into us: "We're talking about serious stuff here, about prison, about peoples lives, and you 2 are in the back of the class everyday laughing like a bunch of idiots!!" Whoa!! This is insane. I didn't know how to react, so I just sat there with a smug grin on my face, which probably only made her more mad. She kept on going on and on about how the lawschool was looking into canceling wireless in the classrooms precisely because of people like us. Then she goes to me "Maybe if you can't control yourself from looking at your friend's computer, you should come up to the front of the class and have a seat right next to me. I mean, if you can't control yourself, then I can't control myself!!"

She goes on for a bit more then turns around and goes back to the blackboard. But the fire is burning to bright and she turns right back around and continues ".... and another thing...." THen she talks about how we're disrupting the other students etc. - which is funny in hindsight because a few people, including people that sat right next to me and the Nugget, came up and asked "What did you 2 even do?" It was def. a crazy experience. I felt like I was back in 5th grade or something. The scolding went on for at least a good FOUR minutes. No exaggeration.

I forgot to mention a funny tidbit. As the teacher was asking "WHat is on your computer?", Gold Nugget was deviously closing all the browser windows on his computer as he retorted "Nothing". Classic. Another little tidbit: Prior to getting called out, I was planning on skipping the next day of class, but after getting yelled at, I had to show up and make an appearance to show that I wasn't afraid or intimidated. HaHa. One last tidbit: During the next class, the Professor made a joke and the class started laughing. The Gold Nugget turned to me and said,"Are we allowed to laugh now?".

So there you have it my friends. A brief run down, sort of, of my experiences with the Socratic method. Don't think I'm all slacker though, as there were plenty of times where I was called on and handled my bizness, but those stories aren't too exciting.

So some unsolicited advice for all you 1L's out there: Don't sweat it. Not knowing an answer to a question is no big deal and no one will give a fuck if you say "I don't know". School is school, and law school shouldn't be any more intimidating than high school was. People get intimidated, though, because of all the hype surrounding law school and evil teachers who grill students to the max, yo. Just relax, and worst come to worst, if you don't know the answer to a question, you may have blog material to write about 3 years later :-) Good luck fargers.

P.S I always thought it was funny when someone was called on and they didn't know the answer and they go "Can I take a pass please?" hahahha 'can i take a pass?' - how formal and strange!! Peeps would be better off if they just took Chris Rock's advice and said "Sheeeiit, I don't know that shit... I'm keeping it reeeeall!!". Keeping it real indeed.

Long story short, there's shit on my face

2005-08-19T14:51:00.000-05:00

I met some person in my apt. complex the other day, only to find out later that I had a huge blotch of mustard on my face from a sandwich I had eaten earlier. This blotch was so big that if I was walkin down the street, cars would slow down thinking a yellow light was up ahead.

A few weeks ago I was walking back to my apartment and the resident manager of my building happened to be walking out as I was walking in. I gave him a head nod, but instead of getting one back like usual, I could have sworn that he was straight up laughing at me. When I got into my apartment, I understood what was going on. I noticed that I had a significant blotch of tartar sauce on the side of my lip from a sandwich I had just eaten. Maybe I should just stop eating sandwiches. Or, if I may think outside of the box for a moment, maybe I should just start wiping my face after eating??

Ever notice that when people say "Long story short" it really means that they're going to keep talking for a long time? Whenever I say "long story short", I always end up talking for at least another 20 mins. I suppose that "long story short" really means "Hey, I have a long story to tell, I'll try to shorten it up a bit, but beware, it's still going to be a long ass story."

What's my name?

2005-08-19T14:35:00.000-05:00

For the first time in 8 years, I find myself living outside of a college town. Since I have no college gym to go exercise at, I figured I might as well look into joining a gym. As a sidenote, I must say that when the dude at the gym was giving me a tour of the place, I felt like some chump ass yuppie -- perhaps a topic for another post.

Anywhoo, this dude is showing me around the gym and he keeps mispronouncing my name. No big deal, though, as my name isn't exactly one you hear everyday and people have been saying it wrong ever since I was a wee lad. After getting my name wrong for the billionth time, the dude says to me "Hey, I'm really sorry about getting your name wrong. I'm really bad with names and I feel awful because I always hate when people mispronounce my name." I looked at his name tag expecting to see something weird like "Zimbabwe" or "Shii`ncey~goo". But no - his name was as simple as they come. His nametag read "Jeff". Hmm... how the hell would anyone ever pronounce that name wrong?!

That reminds me: In high school, I always used to dread the first day of class when they took attendance for the first time as the teachers would inevitably mess up my name. The class would then laugh and throw darts at me.

Conversation #2

2005-08-10T23:50:00.000-05:00

This post is dedicated to the Rican and Gold Nugget, you'll soon see why! While talking to a friend today, the following exchange took place:

Friend: did you know albinos really exist?
Me: of course fool
Friend: I thought they were made up
Me: hahhaha
Friend: like unicorns
Me: hahahhahahah

Conversation #1

2005-08-10T23:48:00.000-05:00

While talking to my sister online today, the following exchange took place:

Me: Hey, did you hear that Peter Jennings died?
Her: Yeah, that happened a few days ago.
Me: Wow, I'm really out of the loop
Her: Loop? What loop, there's no loop. It's not like there was some big secret where people purposefully tried to hide something from you.

Touche` sister, touche`.

How does that song go?

2005-08-10T23:02:00.000-05:00

Have any of you out there ever thought you knew the lyrics to a song you like, only to find out later that you're way off base. This happened to me the other day, so I thought I'd give a quick run down of some songs where I thought I knew what the lyrics were, but it turned out that I didn't.

Song 1: "White men in black suits" by Everclear
Initially, I thought there was a verse that went like this

"All I want to do is lose myself in your room
All I want is just to smoke up in the afternoon"

The song really goes like this, however:

"All I want to do is lose myself in your room
All you want is just a slowfuck in the afternoon"

I thought the song was talking about smoking some weed in the afternoon, when it really was talking about a "slow fuck" in the afternoon. Hmm... both are legitimate gentlemanly pursuits I suppose. On to the next song.

Song 2: "Fake palindromes" by Andrew Baird
I really like this song and listened to it a lot this summer. I thought there was a verse that went like so:

"Sooner or now we can get together
and we'll talk about the weather"

The song really goes like this:

"Some lonely night we can get together
and I�m gonna tie your wrists with leather "

Whoa. I was way off here! Tying wrists up with leather?? Hmm... not my thing really. I'm a tad more innocent than the Rican and Gold Nugget after all.

The last song I'll mention is called "Diamonds and Guns" by a sweet ass band called "The Transplants"
I thought there was a verse that said "Im shootin up on illin out". I thought that that sounded pretty cool. The song really says "Im shootin up, I'm illin out" The first implies that one is high on life -- sort of like "Hey, im shooting up... but dont worry, I'm not shooting up on drugs.. but rather, on "illin out" The real verse, however, is not so innocent.

Do any of my loyal readers have any songs they like but were way off on what the lyrics were? Hit me up and comment away bitches.

Guess who's back? You're favorite nerd, that's who

2005-08-02T10:15:00.000-05:00

Back in High School I was really shy and quite the big nerd. Did I talk to girls? Sure, when I didn't catch what the math homework was. I never went to a school dance or to a party, or did anything "cool" for that matter. I was a geek. I knew it, and so did our family friends. But no worries, I actually think it's best to go through high school as a nerd, for reasons I may share in a later post. But for now, that is the background you need for this upcoming post.

I was home this past weekend and some family friends happened to come over. I hadn't seen these people in at least 5 years or so, probably more. In their eyes, I'm still the shy little nerd they knew back when I was in High School. So anyways, we're all chatting and I tell them I'm going to Chicago next year, and that I'm trying to find a place to live in Chitown this week. The dad asks, "Do you know Chicago well?" I say that I don't. He then asks me how I'm gonna be able to find a place in Chicago if I don't know the city. I say "Oh, I'm meeting a friend from undergrad there, and she's gonna show me around and help me out." He replies "Oohhhh!!! Whoa whoa whoa!!! Did you hear that? A GIRRRRRRLllll is gonna help show him around?!!! Nice!" I couldn't help but laugh to myself and think "Jeez, I'm 25 now, not 16!!" Too funny.

A little bit of the bubbly, and standardized testing

2005-07-28T13:40:00.000-05:00

I took the Illinois Bar Exam this week and survived with my sanity, luckily. The proctors made it abundantly clear that we were not allowed to have any sort of device emitting any sort of noise, inluding cell phones, watches, beeping machines etc.

So I left my EKG machine at home and wandered, innocently, into the murky world of standardized testing. Note: One unlucky sap's cell phone went off during the exam. No one would claim the bag in which the cell phone was ringing, so the proctor went through the bag until she found some identifying papers. The kid had to leave the exam and automatically fails as well. No joke.

Filling out bubbles, how exciting. I don't know why, but apparently I'm quite slow at filling in the bubbles with my trust ole' #2. I'd still be filling in my name while the people all around me were seemingly finished. Maybe the lead in my penci was too thin or something?? Oh snap, get ur mindz out the gutter people. To help poor saps like me, who take forever to fill in the bubbles, I must take the time now to humbly offer a suggestion. While not revolutionary, it will revolutionize standardized testing as we know it. Hey, I guess that it is revolutionary after all. Instead of having us fill in bubbles slowly and meticulously, how bout just provide us with some sort of pencil stamp. The stamp would obviously be the size of a bubble, and we could just press it down on whatever answer we wanted. Think about all the extra time people would have on exams. It boggles the mind. Or, should I say, it bubbles the mind? Please take the next 10 seconds to think 'Wow, that was a really lame joke, this blog really is a waste of time'.

Welcome back. Maybe I'm alone here, but I've never been able to effectively erase out a filled-in bubble on a standardized exam. I always happen to have a defective eraser, or perhaps standardized testing paper isn't conducive to erasing, in general. Either way, in my attempts to erase a bubble, I always mange to smudge the job, and spend the next 30 seconds wondering if the testing machine will be able to decipher what my true answer is. The worst is when you unknowingly have an eraser with pencil smudges already on it, and every sweep of the pencil just spreads the smudgines around like an STD.

During the bar exam, I am proud to say that I filled in what can only be described as the "perfect bubble". The bubble was filled to the brim with #2 lead, yet no marks went outside the bubble itself. Furthermore, the density of the pencil markings inside the bubble were uniform. No parts of the bubble were darker than the other. In fact, may I be so bold as to say that the bubble was so perfectly filled out, that one might even assume that it was done with a pencil stamp(tm).

Back in High School, there was a mini-scandal because apparently you could score perfect on a scantron by simply putting chapstick over all the bubbles. Supposedly, this would make it impossible for the machine to deduce what bubble was filled out, and it would therefore spit out a scantron with a "perfect score". I assure you, though, that my 1600 on the SAT is completely legit, and that my impressive portfolio of chapstick stock is purely coincidental.

Musical T-shirts

2005-07-21T10:18:00.000-05:00

Aerosmith is a good band and all, but do not, I repeat, DO NOT, ever trust a guy wearing an Aerosmith t-shirt. Are such guys un-trustworthy or sneaky? Not neccessarily. Actually, on second thought, I'm not sure. There is just something unsettling about a guy wearing an Aerosmith t-shirt.

If you see a person wearing a Marilyn Manson t-shirt, you better pray that they're still in high school. Otherwise, proceed with caution.

If you see someone wearing a Phish t-shirt, you can probably throw your wallet at them, and they'd pick it up and give it back to you saying "Hey man, I think you dropped this.." When you say "thank you", they'll probably say "for what?" - Be understanding though, they're probably still recovering from a night of tripping off acid while bathing in a tub filled with melted ben and jerry's ice cream.

If you see a guy wearing a Dave Matthews t-shirt, you can play a fun little game. Ask them what Frat they're in and act like you're in the same one. Then, ask if they saw "that Dave show in that city where they did a killer jam session for 20 mins straight". Hijinks, and possibly more (sic), will ensue. *

If you see a guy wearing a Sublime t-shirt, think to yourself that Sublime rules and is a great band. Watch for a bevy of tattoos and wallet chains. If you do not like Sublime, proceed with caution.

If you see a guy wearing a John Mayer t-shirt, approach and say, "Dude, are you serious?"

Speaking of Aerosmith, back in high school, every guy was in love with Alicia Silverstone on account of her riveting performances in those Aerosmith videos.

* I do not know what the term "(sic)" is used for, but it seems cool so I thought I'd throw it in there.

Phone Sex

2005-07-20T16:38:00.000-05:00

Now that I've got your attention, here are some of my random thoughts regarding talking on the phone.

Isn't it annoying when you call someone up and get their machine, but you have to wait 15 seconds before you can leave a message. "If you'd like to leave a numeric page, please press 5. If you'd like to page this person, please press 7". What the hell is a numeric page anyways?! Paging a person? I'm calling a cell phone, not a beeper. Unless I'm mistaken, most people leave messages via voicemail, so why not make that the first option? (Note: Some providers let you press '1' right away to bypass that other shit, but others don't.)

Has anyone else out there noticed that when you call customer service nowadays, they keep you on the line for 3 minutes to make sure that they did a good job. I recently called up my cable provider with a problem, and the lady quickly helped me out. I said "Thanks" and thought I was home free, but then it was a non-stop barrage of questions such as: "Is there anything else I can do for you today?.... Was I helpfull in assisting you this afternoon?....If you have any more problems, please don't hesitate to call...You do realize this call was monitored for quality assurance, don't you?...Thanks again for calling Charter Communications...Did you catch The Real World last night?"

There are some people with whom your close enough with so that moments of silence on the phone aren't akward at all. Othertimes, silence on the phone is so akward its not even funny. Once I was talking to a girl on the phone, and when I asked her a question, I didn't get a response back. 20 seconds pass by and I'm thinking that this is this most akward silence in the history of mankind. Turns out she got disconnected -- I suppose, in hindsight, I could have said something witty such as "hello? are you there?" but I was very caught up in the whole akwardness of it all.

Funny Story: I have a friend who is bad at remembering names, and often times,he'll exchange phone numbers with people whose names he can't remember. He doesn't want to be rude and say "What was your name again?" so he just enters the number into his phone with random letters as the name, or under amusing headings such as "guy with blue shirt".

Anyone out there have phone stories etc. to divulge?

P.S Studying for the bar exam is no joke.

Girls liking asshole guys

2005-07-15T14:06:00.000-05:00

I hear girls all the time complaining that they can't find a "nice guy" to date, or that all the "good guys" are taken. Many of these girls, however, don't give "nice guys" the time of day, and instead, pursue assholes. Some speculate that the pursuit of asshole guys by women is so pervasive as to constitute an epidemic.

Girls will try and get with a guy when they KNOW he has a reputation for being an asshole. Has he cheated on past girlfriends? Who cares! Does he treat people, in general, like shit? Who cares! Why girls go for guys like that is a question I'm not quite sure I can answer. Perhaps girls get a boost to their self-esteem if they land a guy that plays by his own rules. Perhaps they view asshole guys as a challenge. They might think "If I can only get rid of his asshole aspects, he would be the perfect guy!" Fair enough. Everyone has different things they're looking for in a mate,and I'm not one to pass judgment. But I do get annoyed when these same girls COMPLAIN that they can't find a "nice guy". Sometimes I feel like saying, "Well no shit bitch, you keep dating assholes!" - and with the way some girls are, saying that mean statement would probably get that same girl on my jock. Of course some girls don't realize guys are assholes till much later on, but this is directed at those girls who go after guys they KNOW are assholes. Again, if that's your perogative, cool -- just don't complain about it, bitch. (The number of female blog groupies I have will increase in direct proportion to the number of times I say the word 'bitch')

What's also annoying is that girls act surprised when a known asshole acts like an asshole towards them. "I can't believe he cheated on me, things were going so great. I thought I was different." Sorry bitch, but in the mind of an asshole, the only thing different about you from the last girl is your cupsize. Guys, on the other hand, know what they are getting into when they start shit up with a bitchy girl. Guys, in a similar hypothetical, would say "Oh well, I knew she was a bitch from the start. I should have known better." Girls act like they've been victims in an elaborate conspiracy set up in order to hurt them, when in reality they're just ignoring the fact that they made a bad choice from the start.

Personally, I think the majority of girls DON'T want to date asshole guys, but sometimes it seems that way cuz the girls that do are the ones who are always complaining. That reminds me: Once I asked a girl I know what her type of guy was. She responded, matter of factly, "Assholes". Hey, at least she's honest!

Song Translation

2005-07-10T12:10:00.000-05:00

Today is the first installment in a series of blog posts where I analyze the lyrics to well-known songs. First up, "Wonder why they call you Bitch" by 2pac.

"Look here Miss Thang, hate to salt your game
but yous a money hungry woman, and you need to change
In tha locker room, all the homies do is laugh.
High five's cuz anotha homey played your ass."

Translation: Hello dear, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I get the strong impression that the emphasis you place on money in your life is misplaced. Furthermore, gentelman in the neighborhood have taken notice of this, and have been known to exchange celebratory gestures with each other every time you make love with one of them

"It was said you were sleeezy,even easy
sleepin around for what you need
See it's your thang and you can shake it how you wanna.
Give it up free or make your money on the corner."

Translation: Your morals are questionable, at best. Moreover, while it is your body and you can do with it what you please, may I be so bold as to suggest that you read up on some Economic theory. For you see, if the demand for, how shall I say this, your "Booty"?, is high, then perhaps you should start selling said "booty" in exchange for cash on the street corner of your choice.

"Keep your mind on your money, enroll in school.
And as the years pass by you can show them fools.
But you ain't tryin' to hear me cuz your stuck,
you're headin' for the bathroom 'bout to get tossed up."

Translation: Perhaps starting studies at a local University would do you some good. Yet you do not seem to take my suggestions seriously, and apparently you are more interested in having sexual intercourse in a bathroom, of all places. Ho, you make me sick.

Haters

2005-06-30T15:17:00.000-05:00

Ever notice how some girls are haters? Do you find it extremely annoying? If so, you are not alone.

Girls will hate on other girls and not think twice about it. I've never understood why girls tend to do this, but its a very big turn off. Guys are never like "Yo man, check out that dudes shirt, its so tacky... and check out that guys hair, you know he gets it highlighted." Guys don't give a shit. Some common phrases one might hear around a female hater:

"Oh my gosh, look at what that girl's wearing, is she trying to be a ho?"

"Her boobs are so fake"

"I bet that girl looks ugly without makeup on"

"I hate her"

I don't know why girls are haters, but I do know this: It's very refreshing to be out with a girl who can compliment other girls instead of making fun of them.

Did you know that there are many different kinds of haters out there? Yes, its true!

THE CLEVER HATER: This type of girl will hate on other girls in a roundabout way. She will pick out a girl in a bar who is mildly attractive, and build her up with amazing compliments. "That girl in the red is like a super model!" In turn, whoever she is with will respond with "what? she's not that pretty". For you see, the clever hater fiendishly attempts to turn you into the hater! Clever? Indeed. Reprehnsible? No doubt!

THE JEALOUS HATER: This type of girl is jealous of, and will therefore hate on, any girl that gets a lot of attention at a bar. Jealous haters have been known to remark "You know hes just talking to her cuz shes a slut". A Jealous Hater will see a Nun talking to a hot guy and say "You know he's only talking to her cuz she puts out." Harsh, but some girls are that jealous. It's true. I've seen the documentation.

THE DEVIOUS HATER: This type of girl focuses most of her hating energies on her own friends. Yes, such girls do exist! Girls will be mad if one of their friends are having more luck in the man department than they are, so they start hating! Why? I have no fucking clue! Guys, on the other hand, are the complete opposites. If a guy is having no luck with the ladies, and his friends are out there mackin it up, the guy will be like "yo man, what's your secret!? What am I doing wrong? Gimme some pointers bro!" A guy will see his friends on the mountain top and says "Give me a hand!" A Devious Hater sees one of her friends on the mountain top and starts spreading gossip like the plague, and praying that her friend falls down from the mountain.

THE SELF HATER a.ka. THE FISHER: This type girl makes fun of herself only to hear reassurances from other people that she is, in fact, pretty etc. This type of hater is also known as THE FISHER - as fishing for compliments is how they get down and boogie. A Self Hater might say something like, "I'm really just not that pretty." First of all, who says that out of the blue?! Second of all, its obvious that its only being said so that whoever she is with can say "What are you talking about, you're gorgeous!", to which The Self Hater would respond "No I'm not". This little exchange can go on for hours, days even. Sadly, these girls require constant reassurance from others to maintain their self esteem.

Pickin up Chicks

2005-06-25T13:10:00.000-05:00

In undergrad, a friend of mine liked some girl who was in his statistics class. Once, she was telling him how she lost her stats book, and he goes "wow, what are the odds of that?!" The chick didn't really get that it was a joke and goes "Um... I don't know"

100 G'z in my pocket

2005-06-23T13:19:00.000-05:00

Check this out. I promise to give you 100 grand for winning a radio contest. Instead I give you a candy bar called 100 grand. You bitch and moan and take me to court. What happens next? Please limit your answer to 3 bluebooks.

What other similar offers/tricks can you think of? Here are two to get the ball rolling:

Saying you'll give someone a car, but instead just give them a matchbox car.

Saying you'll give someone a blowjob, but instead, you just give them a job where they get paid to blow bubbles.

Walking around town...

2005-06-23T11:33:00.000-05:00

Walking around with headphones on always changes the rules of social protocol when it comes to seeing people you know on the street. With your headphones on, you are sort of in your own little world, free from distractions, impervious to those odd men on the street who claim to have no home and supposedly need money for food and shelter. So anyways, you're walking down the street listening to your tunes and you see someone you know -- what do you do? If you would normally stop and chat, do you stop and take off your headphones? Is it rude to just nod and keep on walking? For it seems that wearing headphones gives you a license to just ignore everything, as if your music takes precedence over all.

Cop: Hey pal, a bank robber is on the loose, can you look out for a guy wearing a blue t-shirt?!!
Headphones Man: Whats that? Oh, sorry, but I'm wearing headphones at the moment and I'm really into this song... sorry.
Cop: Oh, my mistake, I didn't notice that. Carry on good sir.
Headphnes Man: Good day....... pig

Ever see those guys with HUGE ass headphones that are twice the size of an average apple? I have nothing to say about them, really. The people that wear them just seem 'interesting'.

Batman Begins and Snobby Movie Critics

2005-06-19T11:46:00.000-05:00

So I saw Batman yesterday, and it definitely lived up the hype. Notorious critic and infamous Hollywood 'it' girl, Mariam Mokri, wrote that it was "Fucking Awesome" -- and I'd definitely have to agree. The action was great, the dialogue worked, and it had a great balance of drama, action, and even humor. The audience even started clapping when it ended! I've never seen that before, has anyone?!

But the reason for this post is to discuss something that I've disliked for ages... snobby movie critics. Via Althouse, I came across a review of Batman Begins from the New Yorker, by one David Denby. Everything I hate about uppity movie critics can be captured in the first sentence alone: "This is an overly methodical and heavy-spirited movie—pop without rapture." Umm.. pardon me, but what the fuck does that even mean?! It's standard fare, however, for these - dare I say- snobby movie critics. With writing like this - "and I miss Anton Furst’s urban-grotesque production design from the first movie—the curious, malign details pulled out of the night" - I can't help but wonder if Denby really saw the movie, or is trying to write poetry. It's annoying that so many movie critics don't really review a movie as much as they engage in a pathetic attempt at psuedo-intellectual babble, writing movie reviews with a thesaurus in one hand, when all they really need is a dictionary opened up to the page containing the word 'pretentious'.

Now you may be thinking, "Homer, well aren't you being pretentious yourself? Does everyone have to like every movie that you do?" Not at all my friends. My beef is not with those who don't share my taste in movies, but with movie critics who are seemingly failed writers, and thus attempt to live out their dreams via their movie reviews. They write nonsense with no substance, and presumably, go into movies like Batman wanting to hate it, lest they think they have something in common with 'common folk'. Writing like a snobby movie critic is actually sort of easy -- all you have to do is write a lot, and say nothing.

Here is an example:

"This movie fails in its attempt to create a heroine worthy of admiration, while disregarding the necessary social constructs the audience would need to understand the heroine's fight against society's apathy vis a vis equality. This begs the question, are we but pawns in the Director's vision of an unjust world, or are we supposed to believe dreams really can come true?" I just made that up and have no idea what it means, but sadly, I can imagine it being a real review for a movie.

And can you imagine going to a movie with one of these uppity critics?

Me: So, did you like the movie?

Critic: Well, I've never laughed so much in my life, but the exploration of the Father's motives seemed at odds with the elegancies of what would have been appropriate in 20th century England.

Me: Umm, the movie was about a kid going away to summer camp in the 1980s. They only show the father for 10 seconds when the kid leaves England to come to America.

Critic: Yes, of course, but why did the Father let him go?

Me: Um, well the kid wanted to go to summer camp, that's about all there is to it. Didn't you say you laughed like you've never laughed before?

Critic: Yes, but this movie creates a new subtext for the genre, one that ultimately fails. That being the case, I didn't like it.

Lastly, I guess it's not surprising that the Batman review is from the New Yorker. Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine is on a quest to prove that a comic in the New Yorker isn't funny and doesn't even make sense. When the executive attempts to explain it, the following conversation ensues:

Mr. Elinoff: Well Miss Benes . Cartoons are like gossamer and one doesn't dissect gossamer. heh..hemm..

Elaine; Well you don't have to dissect if you can just tell me. Why this is cartoon supposed to be funny?

Mr. Elinoff: Ha! It's merely a commentary on contemporary mores.

Elaine: But, what is the comment.

Mr. Elinoff: It's a slice of life.

Elaine: No it isn't.

Mr. Elinoff: Pun?

Elaine: I don,t think so.

Mr Elinoff: Vorshtein?

Elaine: That's not a word.....You have no idea what this means do you?

Mr Elinoff: No.

Amen.

Michael Jackson v. Mike Tyson:

2005-06-15T12:41:00.000-05:00

Who would you rather trust your children with, Michael Jackson or Mike Tyson? I personally would have to go with Mike Tyson, hands down. On the flip side, you can't really type 'Michael Jackson' without the phrase 'hands down.... little boys pants' coming to mind.

If you leave your kid with Michael Jackson for a few hours and he tells you they played video games, the first question that comes to mind is "Did ya'll play naked? What do you mean when you say you played video games?" If Mike Tyson is in charge of your kid for a few hours and tells you they played video games, the first question that would pop into your head would be "Did you guys play punch out?" or "Who won?".

On the other hand, Mike Tyson is a convicted rapist, so I would never decide to leave my *girlfriend* with him for even a few minutes. But Michael Jackson, on the other hand, could hang out with my hypothetical girlfriend while she was completely naked and horny -- and I wouldn't worry for a second. And keep in mind, my hypothetical girlfriend is extremely hot!

Can you imagine what the Jackson dinner table is like?

The Parents: So kids, what's new with you this year?
MJ: Well, I'm on trial for molesting little boys...
JJ: My boob popped out in front of millions of Americans.
MJ: Shit, I gotta go. I'm late for a basketball game.
The Parents: Are you going to watch the Spurs play the Pistons?
MJ: Nope, Lakeview Elementary is playing Abbot Elementary today, and I got front row seats. Shit, I've said too much..

Revenge of the sixth

2005-06-13T14:19:00.000-05:00

While watching the Tyson fight this past Saturday, a clever drinking game was devised. Now this game was a bit more complex than my personal favorite game, "Let's drink a lot of alcohol in a short period of time!" The rules were as follows: Each person predicted what round they thought the fight would finish, and the winner had to consume five shots. This is Wisconsin, we don't play around. Round 1 passes. Tyson is still standing, and the person who picked round 1 breathes a sigh of relief. This scenerio repeats itself for rounds 2-5 (I had round 5 if anyone's curious). Round 6 comes along, and Tyson decides to quit before round 7 commences. The person who had round 6 begs for mercy saying "The fight didn't end in round 6! Whoever had round 7 has to take 5 shots, not me!" Interesting point. Debates ensue. Who is to take the 5 shots? Mr. Round 6? Or Mrs. Round 7? Technically, the sixth round FINISHED with both fighters still in the mix. There was no seventh round, really, so it could also be argued that the fight couldn't have ended in the seventh round. Both sides weren't gonna give in, so a compromise was reached. The 6th and 7th round people would split the shots (2+3). Everyone wins. Everyone gets drunk. Hallelujah.

Judgement Day

2005-06-06T23:16:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I will be in court defending my first client, a man of unquestioned moral character. Who is my client, you ask? He is man who can run for miles on end and not break a sweat. My client has been known to help old ladies cross busy intersections while also curing their arthritis in the process. He has beat Kasparov in a game of chess while sitting atop Mt. Everest, wearing only a pair of shorts and a T-Shirt. He has been nominated for Nobel Prizes in 5 diverse categories, taking home trophies in 3. His papers on differential equations have been praised both for their mathematical ingenuity and strikingly beautiful prose. He has won numerous purple hearts for time served in Iraq, yet continues to be adored by the anti-War movement as the "leading pacifist of our time". To many, he is an American hero, but to me, he is simply my client. His accolades mean nothing to me. My only goal - nay, my only duty - is to do all I can to make sure he walks out of court tomorrow a free man.

How shall I persuade the judge that this man stands wrongfully accused? Simple. I have prepared a laundry list of persuasive legal theories -- and numerous arguments carved out of all applicable legal areas will be presented to the judge. The interstate commerce clause, equal protection, the rule against perpetuities. UCC section 201, and self defense are just a few topics I plan on using in my clients defense. Something is cooking in the kitchen.... and it smells like fuckin justice.

I'll keep ya'll posted.

Sports and the Law collide

2005-06-06T14:05:00.000-05:00

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2005/football/nfl/06/06/bc.fbn.numbergate.ap/index.html?cnn=yes

more on this later

Randomness Part IV: Smelling things with no odor

2005-06-05T15:35:00.000-05:00

I had a dream the other night that I called 911 and ended up dating the 911 operator. We communicated via the 911 line and on the internet, so I don't know what she looked like.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese

I saw a commercial for genital herpes the other day and it turns out that people with genital herpes have all sorts of fun They ride horses in pristine countrysides, they go canoeing in parts of the world that resemble the garden of eden, they laugh on swings that somehow exist in the middle of rolling green hills, they fly kites on sandy white beaches, and then they laugh some more. Are people with genital herpes so shunned by society that they must escape to far away lands, travelling on horseback to avoid detection? Or are they so happy that there is a 'cure' for genital herpes that they decide to celebrate by going horseback riding and canoeing? The coin is up in the air.

Maybe he just farted??

2005-06-03T22:26:00.000-05:00

Check out this crazy story. Here is a brief run down of what happened.

A guy goes into a portable toilet to take a dump. While sitting down, he proceeded to light a cigarette which then ignited methane gas leaking "from a pipe underneath the toilet unit." Boom! Explosion! Man goes flying. Shit is falling from the sky like chocolate was during Homer's (no relation) "Land of Chocolate" dream in that classic Simpsons episode.

John Jenkins, the victim in this freak accident, claims to have suffered severe burns all over his body. He is now suing the general contractor and a coal company for negligence to the tune of 10 million dollars. From the article: "Eastern Associated owns the Blacksville property where the explosion occurred. Jenkins alleges that heavy equipment from Chisler Inc. ran over the pipelines before the explosion, causing the methane gas leak."

Do we have a case here my friends? If I were the defense, my whole case would simply rest upon the title of this post!

Cool Shit

2005-06-03T22:10:00.000-05:00

Check out this amazing video clip of an incredibly well-trained dog!

Livin' by a lake

2005-05-30T23:10:00.000-05:00

Did you ever notice that people use the presence of a lake to explain any and every type of weather related pheonmenon? Some examples:

Me: Why is it so fuckin cold out?
Person: Oh, it's cuz we're right by the lake.
Me: Oh, makes sense.

Me: Why is it so damn hot out?
Person: It's the lake effect. The wind from Chicago runs over the lake, and you know how hot air always rises, right?
Me: Um.. sure.. why not.

Me: Why is it snowing? It's June!
Person: Don't you know we live right by a lake?
Me: Yeah, so?
Person: Well the lake has water in it, and when water freezes it becomes ice, and what happens when you break up ice into tiny tiny pieces? You get snow!
Me: What the fuck?!
Person: Exactly.

Me: Why do I have leprosy?
Person: Because you played a game of checkers with that Hobo who lives, surprise surprise, right by the lake.
Me: Damn tempting game of checkers.

Why the Pistons will win the series

2005-05-30T13:44:00.000-05:00

The Pistons are down 2-1 and people are jumping on the Miami Heat bandwagon in droves. As great as Dwane Wade is, and as dominating a force as Shaq can be, the Heat will inevitably lose to the Pistons in what is quickly looking like a 7 game series.

Above all, keep in mind that the Miami Heat have had to play damn near perfect basketball to stay with the Pistons. Dwane Wade has been unstoppable and Miami's bench has been performing extremely well. At the same time, the Pistons overall play has been lackluster, and yet they have had opportunities to win both of the games they lost. If the Miami Heat play perfect ball and can only squeak out indecisive victories against a team playing at 3/4 of their potential, what does that say about the two teams? So the question becomes: Will the Pistons turn it up a notch? I think the answer is 'yes'. For one thing, the Pistons play better when their backs are against the wall. But more than that, they have at least 5 players who can explode for 30 plus points on any given night. I think they'll tighten the screws on the defensive end and choke Miami the rest of the series. Dwane Wade has been unbelievable as of late, and I'm sure he'll get his, but again, the Heat will have to play perfect basketball in order to win. Is it possible? I suppose it is. But is it probable? Not really. The Pistons are gonna rev up the engines and handily beat the Heat in game 4, and I predict the game will be in the bag by the end of the 3rd quarter. Game 5 will also go to the Pistons, perhaps in overtime. Who else has the cahones to predict not only a victory, but an overtime game as well?! Your main man Homer! The Heat will win game 6 and the Pistons will close out the series in Detroit with a victory that will remind everyone why they are the defending Champs. Props to D. Wade, though, for playin big time in a big time series.

Final thoughts:
Pistons play better under pressure than the Heat
C. Billiups will get 30+ in one of the next 2 games

Wed - Fri recap

2005-05-29T21:32:00.000-05:00

I had to get all the partying out of my system before bar exam studying begins this week -- so with this in mind, me and some peeps hit the town. A quick recap:

Times gone out: 3
Alcoholic Beverages consumed: Too many
Slices of Pizzza eaten: 13
Movies watched while intoxicated: 3
Prank Calls I observed: Over 20
Prank Calls I made: Only 1
Last time I made a prank call: When I was 18
Something I forgot: Prank calls are fun
Minutes I spent dancing the robot: 15
Earliest i went to bed: 4:30 a.m
Latest I went to bed: 5:30 a.m

Also, the first official "What bar has the hottest lady bartenders/servers" in Madison ended in a tie. It came down to "The State" vs. "Brothers".

Another pointless post is in the bag!

Pluggin' my shit

2005-05-26T15:34:00.000-05:00

Check out this video I made last fall, available for the first time online!!

It's a comedic (hopefully) profile about a young man with a medical disorder who loves playing basketball.

Smokin' Trees

2005-05-24T23:05:00.000-05:00

I was walking down the street today -- I came up behind two guys, and as I walked past them, one says to the other ".. needless to say, the tree fell right on my head!". I can only imagine what story must have preceded that statement such that a tree falling on someones head is so expected that it's worthy of a "needless to say". Any ideas?

Pistons will win the Detroit-Miami series

2005-05-23T18:19:00.000-05:00

You heard it here first.

Desperate Housewives

2005-05-22T21:08:00.000-05:00

I never saw an episode of Desperate Housewives up till today when I caught the last five minutes of the season finale. Here is my review of those 5 minutes.

Okay, there is some fighting going on and I don't know who any of these people are. I think the show needs to develop the characters more. I mean, I'm a smart guy, and if I can't figure out who is who within the first 10 seconds, something is amiss. Next thing I know some chick stabs another chick and kills her. DRAMA! The murderess is next seen talking to a man, presumably her husband?, as they try to figure out how to get rid of the body. She suggests putting the body in concrete or something?? Then, without warning, a child appears out of nowhere and sees the man and woman hovering over the dead body. DRAMA! I couldn't tell, but I think what just happened was all a flashback?? Next up some guy is going to kill another guy but decides not to. DRAMA!! The show ends with a nararator talking about what each woman is desperate for. Hey! I recognize that woman right there! She was on an episode of Seinfeld! Whoa! I recognize that girl as well! She was the devious Kimberly on Melrose Place! Oh my gosh! I know who that girl is too! I don't know her name (Eva Longoria?), but she's been on every magazine in the last year. She was also voted #1 in Maxim's hot 100. She's nice, but not #1. Then some other chicks I don't recognize. Show ends.

Wow. This show has it all! Stabbing, kids, nararration, recognizable characters from other television shows, and, of course, hot desperate housewives. I'll be tuning in for sure next season!

I've only heard great things about the show and maybe I'll watch it straight through if they have reruns during the summer.

Hip Hop Show and 5 Dollar CD's

2005-05-22T13:39:00.000-05:00

Let me preface everything by saying that any CD sold for $5 is bound to suck. I'm not talking about buying used CD's for 5 dollars, I'm talkin about buying CD's sold independently by the artists themselves. For example, in college, this guy on my hall made everyone buy his bands cd for 5 bucks. The band played punk rock, and he was supposed to be a talented bassist, so I figured I might as well check it out. It was probably one of the worst CD"s ever, and needless to say, the band didn't go anywhere. Another example: I recently bought a 5 dollar CD of a boy/girl duo that sings and plays here in Madison. I've seen them play live a few times and they're amazing. I'd buy a live CD of their performances in a hearbeat, so when they started selling CDs of their stuff, I thought it was a can't miss. So I shell out 5 bones for a CD with 5 songs, and only one of them is any good. What the fuck!? I know they have good songs, so why did they put their 'experimental' shit on here!! These are but 2 examples of how a CD sold for 5 bucks is bound to suck balls.

This last friday I was walking around town and stumbled upon a hip hop concert at library mall. Usually, most people observe concerts at library mall for a few mins before they move on, but oh no, this was no ordinary concert my friends! I was there for well over an hour and enjoyed every minute of it. The concert was officially called "Hip Hop for Peace" and featured a ton of local hip hop artists. The first act I saw was a girl and a guy rapping with a little big of country harmonica thrown in. The beat was dope and original, and overall, I was really impressed. Next up was a solo rapper who straight tore it up! The lyrics were clever and witty as hell, the crowd was going banannas, and to my right was a 7 year old kid who was perpetually doing backflips, much to the delight of a 4 year old kid watching on. Again, the beat was original and bangin -- which is hard to find nowadays with a lot of mainstream artists (I'm callin you out Snoop!)

A man soon approached me selling CD's. "Does the CD have all the songs being performed here today?", I asked. "Oh no doubt my man! And it's only 5 dollars!" Based on the first song alone I would have bought the CD, so this was a no brainer. I put the CD in my pocket, pumped as hell to listen to it, and watched the rest of the show.

Next up was some dude who looked like a wannabe Eminem. I thought he'd be good for a laugh, but like the others, he had mad talent. After him came a group of beer bellied white guys who looked like they were born and bred in hicksville Wisconsin. The MC said "Don't let their look fool you, my boys got skillz!" -- and sure enough, they did.

Next up, AND I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!!, was an artist known as the "Blind Thug". As the name implies, he's a rapper who can't see. He gets up on stage and tells the crowd "Yo fellas, this here is a song to sing to your girl when she's mad at you". I shout out to the stage "I feel you Blind Thug, sing it!"-- well not really. Well it turns out that the Blind Thug has a silky smooth voice, and he was just as impressive as the others. At one point he started turning sideways towards a tree and wasn't really facing the crowd so much, so someone on stage went behind him and sort of maneuvered him back so that he was looking at the audience. At least 4 or 5 other artists performed that day at Library Mall and ALL of them were unbelievable. The crowd that stopped to watch kept growing as time went on, and again, I was there for well over an hour.

Anywhoo, the concert ends and I go back to my apartment to listen to my newly purchased CD. Turns out it sucks balls. None of the songs that I heard at the concert were on the CD. More than that, most of the songs on the CD are horrible! Turns out that my 5 dollar CD theory is still in full effect.

Oh well, at least I saw a really cool show with some original beats and some original rappers, so I can't really complain So much rap nowadays is formulaic and it was really cool to hear something fresh for a change. Why the raido is filled with a bunch of similar sounding, and often crappy, rap songs is beyond me - especially when there is plenty of good original shit being made. Sometimes right in your backyard ;-)

What Big Ten school fits you?

2005-05-19T15:55:00.000-05:00

Having spent the last 8 years living in big 10 towns, I thought I would give this quiz a whirl...

The first time around, I got Penn State. Uch, what is that all about?

I took it a second time, though, and got Wisconsin ("Who cares about anything else? Where's the freakin' beer?!?!?") Hey, this thing is pretty accurate.

My friend from U of M (the M stands for Michigan, not Minnesota!... got that Mariam?!) was happy to see he got Michigan ("People think you're arrogant, but it's just a result of years and years of success.") Too funny!!

Update:
Indiana's tagline: "Your IQ is just above that of a carrot. But you dress nicely and enjoy decent scenery"

Minnesota's tagline: "Your best years were a long time ago, and most people nowadays think you're a joke. You don't really fit in with the rest of the group"

Quote of the Day

2005-05-18T03:20:00.000-05:00

Something to ponder...

"A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong, gives it a superficial appearance of being right and raises at first a formidable outcry in defence of custom. But the tumult soon subsides. Time makes more converts than reason."

- Thomas Paine

Gradiation

2005-05-16T15:14:00.000-05:00

So I've graduated. Everything is the same. I don't feel any different. If anything, I feel like a con artist. I have a degree that seems to impress people, yet I know nothing, and feel as if I've done nothing to merit wearing a funky ass robe with a purple hood. People paying me money to give them legal advice? Yikes, that's a scary thought. I'm probably better equipped to give them advice regarding their fantasy basketball team.

My dad picked up a program from the honors ceremony (oddly enough, I wasn't invited!) and started asking me "Do you know so and so?" I say 'nope' "how about so and so?" 'nope' -- this goes on for about 10 names before I say "yeah, I guess I didn't really hang out with the scholarly crowd". So the graduation ceremony was a lot cooler than I expected. The speeches were pretty good and everyone seemed to enjoy it.

I ended up going to the graduation at the Kohl Center pretty much because I had to. It was boring as fuck, but my parents really loved it, so not all is lost. A few weeks ago there was a profile on CNN about a blind medical student at UW - Madison who was graduating at the top of his class. He walked accross the stage to get his diploma with his seeing eye dog -- pretty incredible. I remember that the profile on him from cnn.com was really long, and I got lazy and didn't finish it all. Then I felt even lazier. I mean, this guy is blind and is graduating medical school, and I can't even get through an entire article! Anyways, after the big boring graduation, me and the fam went to get some grub. Then we returned to my apartment for crumpets. At 11 or so, the fam went to their hotel for some sleep... but the night was just beginning for me!

Headed over to Fridas for a grand ole time. Even the Rican got permission to come out and party! ("Hey, I don't need permission to go out!" is what he's probably thinking right now) It was def. a fun time. Much alcohol was consumed, many kind words were exchanged, and the after parties didn't stop till 430 am. I got to see smokey dance, and one young dame was really impressed that I knew ALL the words to Salt-n-Pepa's song "Whatta man!". I guess watching T.V for at least 7 hours a day in High School is starting to pay off.

So after three years of lawschool, here are a few random thoughts; I feel like I should know a lot more. I didn't study much at all. I probably wrote as many notes to friends during class as I took in class from lectures. Law school is made out to be a lot worse than it is. If you don't care about being at the top of your class, and aren't on any journals or anything like that, law school is actually a breeze, if not a joke. Going to law school in a party town is the way to do it. I came to law school because I had nothing else to do. Coming to law school was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Oral Advocacy is fun, I can't wait till it comes out on DVD. Tax Law is fun. Yes, I'm a nerd. Next year will be the first time in 8 years that I won't be in a big time party college town. Not looking forward to that. Not looking forward to that at all! Too nice outside to be blogging... off I go!! Next up: "Cleaning out my locker... triumph and tragedy"

Feminists Unite!!

2005-05-16T13:21:00.000-05:00

A commercial I saw earlier today:

A woman is speaking and the commercial goes something like this: "So I had this really big interview this week, but then it happened, ZITS!!! So I got some oxy pads which said it would clear up my face within 3 days... and it did!! No more Zits!!! And how did the interview go? Who cares, my face looked beautiful!"

I wonder if any girls find this offensive -- i.e implying that girls care more about their skin than an important job interview... or implying that girls main focus should be on their appearance. This almost seems like a commercial that would air in the 1950's.

Do I find it offensive? I don't really care, really. All I know is that the girl in the commercial was wearing a really nice shirt ;-)

Nice Shirt

2005-05-11T13:20:00.000-05:00

When a guy tells a girl "I like your shirt", it's usually code for: I like the fact that your shirt shows off your cleavage.

For example, check out this lovely girl. A guy might say this to her: "Hey, I really like your shirt, it's cool how it ties in the front. And your skirt is really nice too, very summery. It's very risque, but you definitely can pull it off" This, of course, is all code for: You are hot and I want to sleep with you

Back To The Future

2005-05-06T16:15:00.000-05:00

So the kids at MIT are at it again. Amidst all their studying and calculations, these gems of society still find time to party. But when you're a student at MIT, you don't just throw a regular old party, you throw a party for time travelers. This is the deal, and I can't stress this enough, I can't make this shit up!

The party is this Saturday at MIT, and people were advised to write deatils of the party on pieces of paper and slip them into "obscure books in academic libraries" in the weeks preceeding. Now comes the rub. Time will pass on, as time tends to do (nice, eh? I think it's from a movie though) and people in the future will eventually find the notes and decide to travel back in time to attend this party that is being thrown in their honor. There is a caveat: If you are from the future and wish to attend the party, you must bring some sort of proof, such as a cure for AIDS or something. People from the present are allowed to attend, but "due to the overwhelming response" you can't attend unless you have already RSVP'd. But never fear. After all, "If time travel is invented in your lifetime, you can always come later" -- so says the ad.

Now let me enter into the fray. First off, I must say, 'What the Fuck!!!?!

I remember Stephen Hawkings once said (read: typed) that time travel to the past will never be possible because if it were, we'd constantly be visited by tourists from the future. But isn't there some law of Physics that says you would travel back in time if you travel faster than the speed of light. Who knows, but let's assume for the sake of argument that time travel is possible:

If you could travel back in time, why would you ever choose to travel to a party at MIT. Who cares if it's being thrown in your honor. There are so many more fun places to travel to. You could, for example, go to a party at UW Madison, or a party at the Playboy mansion. And while you're traveling back in time, why not bring an almanac with you a'la Biff in Back to the Future and make some money by betting on sporting events that you already know the outcomes of. Why not go way back in time to visit Socrates or Plato. Hell, why not go back in time and catch the Apple that fell on Newton's head and eat the fucker! There are so many things a time traveler could do and so many places he/she could go, so why on earth would they want to go to a party at MIT. Then again, since we're assuming time travel is possible, maybe time isn't such a valued commodity anymore. After all, you can always go back.

There are many fun things time travelers can do. For instance, imagine a time traveler from the year 3343 decides to travel to Madison, Wisconsin circa 2005. I think it would be really funny if he dressed up like a Pilgrim, or someone from the early 1800's or 1920's. People would look at him all wierd and he would just say "What? This is how people dress in the future".

While discussing this with some people yesterday, 2 friends mentioned that it would be cool to skydive into the party while proclaiming "We are from the future!". That brings me to my next point: Are people really expecting people from the future to show up? I sure hope not. This is MIT after all. Can you picture some hapless fool constantly monitoring the door waiting to see if someone from the future is gonna walk in. Are any girls gonna be at this party? Will there be booze? From what I've read, there is going to be music (futuristic/electronic perhaps?) and speakers. Would be funny if the music they play is shit like 50 cent and stuff on the top of the charts. Then everyone would laugh when the time travellers would say "Hey, I love oldies!".

Another thing: if time travel is possible, is there really a need to advertise this. Wouldn't people in the future already know about it? They probably knew this was going to happen before the idea ever popped into the head of the guy that thought it up.

All in all, this party sounds pretty nerdy. But maybe I'm the biggest nerd of all for writing this little blog post about time travel? Maybe I should just stop writing.

And to prove that I'm not crazy, here is a link with deatils about the event.

If you could travel back in time, where would you go and what would you do? Would you attend the MIT party?

Sideburns

2005-05-01T18:31:00.000-05:00

I wish I had a friend with really big sideburns, if only to have a friend that I could nickname 'sideburns'. Just think of all the fun things you could say to him:

Hey sideburns, you getting wasted tonight?
Hey sideburns, what ever happened with you and that chick?
Hey sideburns, why do they call you 'sideburns'?
Ready to go sideburns?

Sideburns has lost all meaning at this point.

Madison is pretty sweet

2005-04-29T14:03:00.000-05:00

Here is part of an email I sent to a friend in October 2002 when I first came to Madison:

".... there are more hot girls here than I've ever seen in my life..... I think I've drank more in the last 4-5 weeks than I did all of last year!"

So I'm finally done with lawschool in Madison, and it's been a great 3 years. The girls kept on getting hotter, and the drinking only increased.

I wonder if there is a connection between the 2 ;-)

Behind the Music, True Hollywood Story

2005-04-29T13:37:00.000-05:00

Everytime I see one of these shows, they have something like this:

"Coming up next, so and so faces her toughest challenge yet (short pause) MOTHERHOOD"

Makes me laugh for some reason.

Reminds me of a great Simpsons episode where they did a parody of 'Behind the Music'.

Homer goes "Fame was like a drug. But was even more like a drug, were the drugs."